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Rebuilding the Democratic Party
Game shows | 9 November 04 | Ron Pickrell

Posted on 11/09/2004 10:04:00 PM PST by pickrell

The Democratic party has suffered what the faint of heart may regard as apparent reverses lately. Certainly some minor adjustment of the front line of progress is always necessary in order for the march towards justice to continue. And in that light, we need to examine alternative strategies in the new march towards re-capturing the White House in 2008.

One of the points made by some, is that the Democratic party has virtually ceded the law-and-order platform to the Republican party in the past. And as such, we should therefore consider moderating our views on this aspect of politics. But no one should expect that liberalism will make progress by merely pretending to becoming more conservative.

Obviously the solution is to state our case even more effectively, and win our debate in the eyes of the American voter by further accentuating the difference between us and the conservatives.

It's time to consider kidnapping.

In for a penny, in for a pound. If during the next election cycle, every Democratic activist will simply spend the time and energy to kidnap at least 2 Republican activists, we can start to see a reversal of the losses that we have experienced so far. We can use the resultant ransoms to buy saturation advertising in such mainstream publications as "The Nation" and the "Law Enforcement Weekly." Advertising that will emphasize that we understand law and order as well as the next guy.

A second critical task is to answer the redistricting that has gone on under the Republican watch. It has been pointed that the Republicans are continuing to pick up more House and Senate seats each election, and that no relief from this trend is apparent in the future. The time has certainly come then to consider borrowing a page from the book of our successful brothers in the United Kingdom.

It's time to establish a House of Lords.

In the vital task of protecting the rights of the common man, we all know the stakes are far too high to leave all of the decisions to commoners. Much then as Britain relegated their more mundane members to their House of Commons, we now need to establish a rival to the House of Representatives, in such a manner as to de-facto re-define them into the U.S. House of Commons.

In order to prevent the kind of special interests, (gun owners, business owners, parents, employees, the literate, etc.), from establishing their tendrils of corruption into this new House of Lords, the elegant solution will be to quarantine this new arm of progressive government to an untouched bastion of common cause, such as Beverly Hills, California.

There, a select group can be gathered from the celebrities who already have the name recognition and the correct attitude to form an effective counterweight to the creeping poison of Conservatism. Not all of the present institutions of government need be disgarded, however.

An idea which has excited quite a few in California is to borrow and slightly modify a tradition from the current House of Representatives- that of the minority whip. It is proposed that it should remain in the custody of the newly proposed Office of the Mistress of Discipline. One of the advantages of this proposal is that rewards and punishments can be administered, perhaps even simultaneously, in the Leather Room, in a closed caucus function.

This renewed emphasis on party discipline can further dispell any implication that the Democratic party has somehow fallen under the spell of licentiousness.

Another advantage of the new House of Lords is the chance to reconnect with average Americans. By offering a chance to the media to film the number of new jobs created in the pool-cleaning and personal valet career fields, we will re-establish the benefits of the original fealty relationship. Well groomed and dressed maids can debunk the myth that jobs are scarcer in a liberal atmosphere.

As celebrities are awarded their Oscars and Emmys, they can also begin immediately to assume permanent, tenured positions in the House of Lords. This will virtually eliminate the distractions of re-election, and greatly reduce the need to pander to the masses. Special effects technicians can transform difficult policy decisions into truly palatable marvels. And some much talent can be persuaded not to flee the country, to Ireland or wherever.

A final step in our long march towards a majority in all three of the tri-cameral centers of power, as well as the Presidency, will be to solve the Democratic funding problem once and for all. In 1992 Bill Clinton showed us all the advantages and potential of triangulation. In that same spirit, we propose to kill three birds with one stone, so to speak, by subjecting all 64 year old potential retirees to a means test.

Card carrying members of conservative organizations, as well as suspected sympathisers, will be turned into immediate multiple organ donors, reducing medical costs by expanding the supply of donor organs and eliminating the need to provide medical care for a large part of the population, reducing Social Security costs, and absorption of estates into the coffers of the Democratic party. That will provide us with means.

This aggressive employment of new ideas, as opposed to the tired old chanting of such past classics as "Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! We don't have no place to go!", will turn the Democratic party away from the continued reliance on mindless and self-destructive policies of the past to a new shining city on the Hills.

Beverly Hills.

TOPICS: Government
KEYWORDS: kerrydefeat; liberal; progressive

1 posted on 11/09/2004 10:04:00 PM PST by pickrell
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To: pickrell
"Democratic activist will simply spend the time and energy to kidnap at least 2 Republican activists..."

I wholy endorse this plan, considering which of the two "activitists" are most likely to "exercise" their second ammendment rights.

2 posted on 11/09/2004 10:06:45 PM PST by CWOJackson
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To: pickrell
The Nation, ha... Korn and Vanden Heuvel are having conniption fits. They can scream as loud as they want, I think "Republican Activists" understand what they are all about.
3 posted on 11/09/2004 10:14:12 PM PST by AJS
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To: pickrell
HAAAA! Thanks for the laugh. Note to All Democratic Activists. My brothers and I are Republican Activists. We do not own any guns. Please feel free to try and kidnap us.

Democrats, please be sure to have both your health and life insurance paid up before making the attempt. You might also want to look up the term "good with their hands" in order to mentally prepare yourself for the "kidnap"
4 posted on 11/09/2004 10:21:34 PM PST by MNJohnnie (We got the mandate, now let's GOVERN!)
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To: pickrell
Strongly reminiscent of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal.
5 posted on 11/09/2004 11:45:49 PM PST by AlienCrossfirePlayer (honest campaign + fair election process = mandate (not the margin that matters))
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