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Jingle Bell Schlock (Dowd hates Christmas)
The New York Times ^ | 12/05/04 | Maureen Dowd

Posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:20 PM PST by Pokey78

If I hear "Frosty the Snowman" one more time, I'll rip his frozen face off.

It's a scientific fact, or should be, that Christmas music can turn you into a fruitcake. It either sends you into a Pavlovian shopping trance, buying stupid things like the Robosapien, or, if you hear repeated Clockwork-Orange choruses of "Ring, Christmas Bells" drilling into your brain with that slasher-movie staccato, makes you feel as possessed with Christmas spirit as Norman Bates.

I've never said this out loud before, but I can't stand Christmas.

Everyone in my family loves it except me, and they can't fathom why I get the mullygrubs, as a Southern friend of mine used to call a low-level depression, from Thanksgiving straight through New Year.

"You're weird," my mom says. This from a woman who once left up our Christmas tree until April 3, and who listens to a radio station that plays carols 24/7 all month.

My equally demonic sister has a whole collection of rodents dressed in holiday clothes that she puts up around her house. There's a mouse Santa Claus and mouse Mrs. Claus and mice elves and a miniature Christmas village with mice, and some rat Cinderella coachmen in pink waistcoats and rats in red velvet vests and more rats, wearing frilly red-and-white nightshirts and nightcaps and holding little candles, leading you up the steps to bed. It's beyond creepy. I keep fretting that it's going to be like "Willard" meets "The Nutcracker," where they come alive and eat her like a Christmas pudding.

My mom and sister both blissfully sat through "It's a Wonderful Life" again on Thanksgiving weekend, while even hearing a mere snatch of that movie makes me want to scarf down a fistful of antidepressants - and join all the other women in America who are on a holiday high - except our family doctor is a Scrooge about designer drugs, leaving me to self-medicate as Clarence gets his wings with extra brandy in the eggnog.

I've given a lot of thought to why others' season of joy is my season of doom - besides the obvious fact that yuppies have drenched the holidays in ever more absurd levels of consumerism.

I think it has to do with how stressed out my mom and sister would get on Christmas Day when I was little. I remember them snapping at me; they seemed tense because of all the aprons to be sashed and potatoes to be mashed. (In our traditional Irish household, women slaved and men were waited on.)

It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges.

I was embracing my Christmas black dog the other day when I read a Times article so scary it made my hair - and my genes - curl.

It was about how severe stress can make a woman age very rapidly and prematurely, looking years older than her chronological age, because the stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink, and sort of curl down on itself, until the cells can no longer replicate. "When people are under stress they look haggard, it's like they age before your eyes, and here's something going on at a molecular level" that reflects that impression, said one of the researchers, Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn of the University of California at San Francisco.

So now, on top of all the stress related to having a president and vice president who scared us to death about terrorists to get re-elected, I have to be stressed about the fact that my holiday stress might cause me to turn into an old bat - instantly, just like it happened in Grimm's fairy tales, when a girl would be cursed and suddenly become a crone. Or just like this Christmas doll my sister brought home once that had an apple for a head; her face looked all juicy and white at the start of the week and then by the end of the week, it was all discolored and puckered.

I flipped through the hot new self-help book by Gordon Livingston, a psychiatrist from Columbia, Md., "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now."

One of them is the cardinal rule of anxiety: Avoidance makes it worse; confrontation gradually improves it.

Yep. I definitely need to rip Frosty's face off.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: antichristian; antichristmas; barfalert; barrenwitch; bigot; birthofjesus; bitterness; catherinezetajones; christ; christians; christmas; dowdalert; dustywomb; grinchstolechristmas; hatefuloldhag; liberalbigot; lonelyfeminist; mediabias; merrychristmas; prayforher; queenoftheharpies; reasonfortheseason; religion; religiousintolerance; scrooge; shrew; spinster
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It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges.


1 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:20 PM PST by Pokey78
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To: Pokey78

Why am I not surprised?


2 posted on 12/04/2004 2:11:57 PM PST by mhx
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To: Pokey78

Since this thread will no doubt get a lot of replies..for a much lighter side of Christmas , does anyone have a copy of the classic Russell Baker column on the Fruitcake? As I write this, I can't believe that the Times, who used to have Baker, now has Dowd and Krugman..


3 posted on 12/04/2004 2:14:19 PM PST by ken5050
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To: Pokey78

MoDo gives ME the mullygrubs all the time.


4 posted on 12/04/2004 2:15:43 PM PST by EggsAckley (...............stop unnecessary excerpting.................)
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To: Pokey78

Perhaps she needs to reflect on the Nativity Creche?


5 posted on 12/04/2004 2:15:46 PM PST by mlmr (Rubbing it in Leftist faces since 1994)
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To: Pokey78

6 posted on 12/04/2004 2:16:53 PM PST by JohnBDay
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To: Pokey78

I think this article was done tongue-in-cheek and she isn't serious.


7 posted on 12/04/2004 2:17:01 PM PST by Ticonderoga34
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To: Pokey78

Yep, Mo the crone just couldn't resist that dig.

Michael, you are so way better off now.


8 posted on 12/04/2004 2:17:22 PM PST by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: Pokey78

9 posted on 12/04/2004 2:18:06 PM PST by MisterRepublican ("I must go. I must be elusive.")
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To: Pokey78

It is rather perverse to my mind, that the NYT would continue to exhibit this obviously emotionally disturbed woman. What are they waiting for her to do, put a bullet through her head. This women needs help, not exhibition.

I suppose for Liberals, misery loves company.

Happy Holidays Maureen.


10 posted on 12/04/2004 2:18:21 PM PST by Search4Truth (When a man lies he murders some part of the world.)
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To: Pokey78

My equally demonic sister has a whole collection of rodents dressed in holiday clothes that she puts up around her house. There's a mouse Santa Claus and mouse Mrs. Claus and mice elves and a miniature Christmas village with mice, and some rat Cinderella coachmen in pink waistcoats and rats in red velvet vests and more rats, wearing frilly red-and-white nightshirts and nightcaps and holding little candles, leading you up the steps to bed.

Her whole family sounds kewl, what happened to her?


11 posted on 12/04/2004 2:19:25 PM PST by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: Pokey78
"I get the mullygrubs, as a Southern friend of mine used to call a low-level depression, from Thanksgiving straight through New Year.

Among her problems is not knowing the difference between "being unhappy" and "being depressed." It would seem that a person who believes everything is about "me" is bound to be unhappy when more mature people are thinking of someone else or something else.

12 posted on 12/04/2004 2:19:48 PM PST by shrinkermd
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To: Search4Truth

I can guess at something else she needs.....


13 posted on 12/04/2004 2:20:11 PM PST by ken5050
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To: Pokey78
It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges."""

This is an understandably unhappy woman.

14 posted on 12/04/2004 2:20:33 PM PST by churchillbuff
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To: Pokey78

Michael Douglas is not looking good.


15 posted on 12/04/2004 2:20:37 PM PST by Clara Lou (Hillary Clinton: "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.")
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To: Pokey78

Only a miserable, self-absorbed, Liberal (like her) could write such crap, and mean it.


16 posted on 12/04/2004 2:21:15 PM PST by DTogo (U.S. out of the U.N. & U.N out of the U.S.)
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To: Pokey78
I can't imagine what she's talking about.

heh heh heh

17 posted on 12/04/2004 2:21:43 PM PST by SmithL
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To: Pokey78
What a sad,miserable,pathetic little life.

I don`t get too gung ho for holidays either but this article take with others by her reveal a demented,snotty little rich girl that is very shallow.

Getting ones way politically is a very small element of living and these libs who are catatonic over the rejection of their views are just laughable.

18 posted on 12/04/2004 2:22:33 PM PST by carlr
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To: zert_28

Yeah, about as tongue-in-cheek as her last piece of "journalism", in which she ranted against white males -- or the one before that, where she basically slandered her own brother, Kevin, for being a pro-Bush moron. (Actually, Kevin sounds like the only normal one in the Dowd clan.)

I don't fault dowdy ol' Maureen one bit. It's her doctors who are derelict of duty for not prescribing a strong anti-PMS pill. Can't they see the poor woman is suffering?!


19 posted on 12/04/2004 2:23:24 PM PST by Jew4GWB (Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in.)
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To: Pokey78

Don't worry Moroon, Christmas hates you too.


20 posted on 12/04/2004 2:23:49 PM PST by Bullish
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Thaaat's better...
21 posted on 12/04/2004 2:24:17 PM PST by RandallFlagg (FReepers, Do NOT let the voter fraud stories die!!!! (Magnetic bumper stickers-click my name))
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To: JohnBDay

CZJ is simply gorgeous.

(and boy, that Maureen Dowd is a bitter pill!)


22 posted on 12/04/2004 2:24:33 PM PST by SoKatt
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To: Pokey78

This woman has some serious issues..


23 posted on 12/04/2004 2:25:02 PM PST by Dog
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To: Pokey78
Dear Mo:

Bitterness is a bitch!!!

And now, I leave you with a "present"


24 posted on 12/04/2004 2:25:23 PM PST by El Conservador ("No blood for oil!"... Then don't drive, you moron!!!)
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To: Jew4GWB

And by the way, why does the NY Times have a columnist taking up space to rant about the chilling effects of Christmas when we're engaged in a global war against a different religion altogether? I won't hold my breath for a column on you-know-what-religion from Maureen.


25 posted on 12/04/2004 2:25:48 PM PST by Jew4GWB (Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in.)
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To: Pokey78
Yup, liberalism IS a mental disease and she is terminal.

My God, I cannot imagine going through life hating EVERYTHING! I doubt Maureen Dowd has ever written anything that remotely resembles an upbeat story.

She is the perfect example of a liberal:

ALWAYS unhappy

ALWAYS mad

ALWAYS depressed

ALWAYS upset if others are happy

ALWAYS blaming others for her woes

ALWAYS blaming the USA

ALWAYS making the wicked witch of the East look good

ALWAYS wearing a frown

ALWAYS down in the dumps

ALWAYS spewing her same hatred for Christianity

ALWAYS looks in the mirror in the morning and thinks "How can I feel more miserable than usual today"

ALWAYS pissed if others are successful

Liberalism: Boy am I happy I avoided that terminal disease!! Can you imagine going through life completely miserable all the time??

26 posted on 12/04/2004 2:25:58 PM PST by technomage
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To: RandallFlagg; Miss Marple
It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges.

She is still hung up on Michael Douglas....LOL!

27 posted on 12/04/2004 2:26:51 PM PST by Dog
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To: Pokey78
Her case is straight from a psychiatrist's handbook. And the readers of NYT can't' get enough of her.
28 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:02 PM PST by TopQuark
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To: Pokey78
Dowd hates Christmas
_______________________________________________________________

I am sure Santa Claus isn't exactly enthralled with her either. Those reindeer however.......
29 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:15 PM PST by crazyhorse691 (We won. We don't need to be forgiving. Let the heads roll!!!!!!!!!)
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To: Pokey78

I think MoDo is either on the verge of a complete breakdown or a political conversion. Her recent columns (which I only see on FR) have been focused on her family to a very personal degree. I know she intends to be humorous, but she seems to be almost surreal lately, well beyond her normal Bush-bashing obsession. She is even unhappier than Ellen Goodman or Eleanor Clift, but unlike those two, I believe there is some minuscule outside chance that Dowd could switch sides. It's almost like she wants to be more attuned with the rest of her family.


30 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:40 PM PST by speedy
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To: Dog

Yeah. Isn't that cute!


31 posted on 12/04/2004 2:28:32 PM PST by RandallFlagg (FReepers, Do NOT let the voter fraud stories die!!!! (Magnetic bumper stickers-click my name))
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To: Search4Truth
Happy Holidays Maureen

Don't you mean Merry Christmas, Maureen???

32 posted on 12/04/2004 2:28:34 PM PST by E=MC<sup>2</sup> (...And on the 666th day, satan created the demonrat party.)
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To: Pokey78

She sounds like a bundle o' fun at the Christmas party. How many times do you suppose she gets the "I'm-searching-desparately-over-your-shoulder-for-someone- (anyone!)-less-psychotic-to-talk-to" looks while trying to chat?


33 posted on 12/04/2004 2:28:39 PM PST by Luddite Patent Counsel ("If you accumulate enough layers of superficiality, that's pretty much the same as having depth")
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To: RandallFlagg

Now, that's what I call "broad"band..


34 posted on 12/04/2004 2:28:41 PM PST by ken5050
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To: tet68

"Her whole family sounds kewl, what happened to her?"
Must have been dropped by a nurse...


35 posted on 12/04/2004 2:29:05 PM PST by GSlob
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To: Clara Lou
"I have to be stressed about the fact that my holiday stress might cause me to turn into an old bat

Don't look now MoDo, but......

36 posted on 12/04/2004 2:29:22 PM PST by libs_kma (USA: The land of the Free....Because of the Brave!)
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To: zert_28
I think this article was done tongue-in-cheek and she isn't serious.

You've new around here, right?

She's dead serious.

37 posted on 12/04/2004 2:29:48 PM PST by Howlin (W, Still the President)
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To: zert_28

I didn't read it as tongue-in-cheek at all. I think she is bitter and depressed. This column belongs in a woman's magazine like Glamour or Cosmoand not in the Times.

The crack she made about her ex-boyfriends who are now living with other women was the most revealing line of the piece. I am surprised that the Times allowed her to include it......maybe she feels bad because she doesn't have a date for New Years and doesn't have her own kids.

I read that she was dating Aaron Sorkin who wrote "West Wing" ( he also had problems with cocaine)but now he has been seen, according to gossip columns, with a bevy of hot young things.

Wonder what's up with Dowd ? All of a sudden she's writing about her family a lot..


38 posted on 12/04/2004 2:30:00 PM PST by somerville
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To: Pokey78
So now, on top of all the stress related to having a president and vice president who scared us to death about terrorists to get re-elected, I have to be stressed about the fact that my holiday stress might cause me to turn into an old bat...

Too late.

39 posted on 12/04/2004 2:30:09 PM PST by DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet (GO NAVY!!!)
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To: Pokey78
Holidays depress her because she is single and beyond the age of hope.

She is a bitter about herself and it is reflected in her screeds.

40 posted on 12/04/2004 2:30:15 PM PST by mcenedo (lying liberal media - our most dangerous and powerful enemy)
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To: Pokey78
It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges.

She's trying to convince herself she gave Michael something that he needs while he's living with Catherine.

She's having a major meltown; first she trashed her family about the election and now she mocks them because THEY have Christmas traditions?

41 posted on 12/04/2004 2:31:09 PM PST by Howlin (W, Still the President)
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To: zert_28
tongue in cheek
_______________________________________________________________

Pleeeze don't use that phrase and Maureen Dowd in the same paragraph. Gives me the heeby jeebies.
42 posted on 12/04/2004 2:31:36 PM PST by crazyhorse691 (We won. We don't need to be forgiving. Let the heads roll!!!!!!!!!)
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To: mcenedo

Given Mrs. Dowd's obviously cheerful rendition of Christmas spirit (cough, cough), let us sing an appropriate holiday melody in honor of her work.

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.

You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.

I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crockodile.

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.

The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.

Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.

You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce.


43 posted on 12/04/2004 2:32:16 PM PST by Galactic Overlord-In-Chief (Congratulations to Senator-elect David Vitter, the first GOP senator from LA since Reconstruction!)
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To: ken5050
Russell Baker, 1983, "Fruitcake is forever".

Excerpt:

""Thirty-four years ago, I inherited the family fruitcake. Fruitcake is the only food durable enough to become a family heirloom. It had been in my grandmother's possession since 1880, and she passed it to a niece in 1933. Surprisingly, the niece, who had always seemed to detest me, left it to me in her will....I would have renounced my inheritance except for the sentiment of the thing, for the family fruitcake was the symbol of our family's roots. When my grandmother inherited it, it was already 86 years old, having been baked by her great-grandfather in 1794 as a Christmas gift for President George Washington. Washington, with his high-flown view of ethical standards for Government workers, sent it back with thanks, explaining that he thought it unseemly for Presidents to accept gifts weighing more than 80 pounds, even though they were only eight inches in diameter...There is no doubt...about the fruitcake's great age. Sawing into it six Christmasses ago, I came across a fragment of a 1794 newspaper with an account of the lynching of a real-estate speculator in New York City."
---"Fruitcake is Forever," Russell Baker, New York Times, December 25, 1983, Section 6 (p. 10)
[NOTE: your librarian can help you find the complete article]

44 posted on 12/04/2004 2:33:06 PM PST by xJones
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To: Luddite Patent Counsel
How many times do you suppose she gets the "I'm-searching-desparately-over-your-shoulder-for-someone-(anyone!)-less-psychotic-to-talk-to" looks while trying to chat? Hee! Here's my question: Why does her family put up with the black-sheep psycho who disses them in section A of the NY Times?
45 posted on 12/04/2004 2:33:35 PM PST by Jew4GWB (Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in.)
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To: Pokey78
It is truly sad when one looks in the mirror and sees the reflection of a bitter old CRONE. Maurene Dowd reminds me of the man who walked around town with a piece of Limburger cheese tied under his nose. He loudly proclaimed to everyone that the city had a pungent, foul odor and that people should do something about it.

Maurene doesn't seem to catch that her sister, who had the same "uptight" Mother at Christmas, still seems to enjoy Christmas. She doesn't understand how her Brother and other siblings can find joy in Christmas.

Maurene myopicly sees only the commercialism in Christmas, because apparently she doesn't realize that Christmas and Christmas songs existed long before the commercialism that she "abhors." She apparently has no knowledge of the Christ in Christmas because that Christ is the bringer of joy.

Without Him there is no joy of Christmas, and Christmas is reduced to the same empty, vane commercialism that Maurene abhors, yet practices.

"It might be exacerbated by the stress I feel when I think of all the money I've spent on lavishing boyfriends with presents over the years, guys who are now living with other women who are enjoying my lovingly picked out presents which I'm no doubt still paying for in credit card interest charges."

Christmas is about presents, money, and loneliness for Maurene. It is no wonder that a person with only a bitter, lonely, and Christless existence would hate Christmas. She even reacts violently, wanting to "rip poor frosty's face off."

Pity, is what Maurene deserves. It is from this same void of bitterness that she derives the rest of her world view. This is the reason is devoid of any truth and meaning; the fact that her writing is devoid of truth and meaning is reason she is a staff writer at the NYT.

So to those who are not devoid of Truth and Meaning, Merry Christ-mas to you, and may the Christ of Christmas be your joy.

John
46 posted on 12/04/2004 2:34:28 PM PST by politicalmerc (To get Rejected Stickers http://www.tdowc.com/store/catalog)
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To: Pokey78
"You're weird," my mom says.

Maureen, that's mother-speak for "My! But, you've grown into crazy little psycho-bitch."

 

47 posted on 12/04/2004 2:34:33 PM PST by Psycho_Bunny (I know a greag deal about the Middle East because Ive been raising Arabian horses" Patrick Swazey)
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To: xJones

Bless you....may I suggest, since you dug it up..that you post it as a seprate thread...and put it in Announcements..It is a holiday classic..and everyone should get a chance to see it...IMHO, it's one of the funniest things ever written..


48 posted on 12/04/2004 2:35:42 PM PST by ken5050
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To: Pokey78

She definitely does have issues, and what's more seems to be the black sheep of a fairly normal and warm family. She seems to be trapped in her self-identification as an intellectual light. If only she knew how she is perceived by the 80% who reside outside her liberal cult's protective NYT bubble.

Mo, take it from me, the bitterness is not worth its price. Repent. Bottom line - you need Jesus, honey.


49 posted on 12/04/2004 2:36:08 PM PST by Paul_B
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To: Jew4GWB

Southern logic... "When somebody seems intent on driving over the edge, go ahead and let them. Either they'll learn the hard way or you'll get their bass boat."


50 posted on 12/04/2004 2:36:11 PM PST by nhoward14 (Freedom costs a buck-o-five.)
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