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A Nation of Wimps
Psychology Today ^ | Nov/Dec 2004 | Hanah Estroff Maranno

Posted on 12/09/2004 4:43:40 AM PST by billorites

Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bumps out of life for their children. However, parental hyperconcern has the net effect of making kids more fragile; that may be why they're breaking down in record numbers.

Maybe it's the cyclist in the park, trim under his sleek metallic blue helmet, cruising along the dirt path...at three miles an hour. On his tricycle.

Or perhaps it's today's playground, all-rubber-cushioned surface where kids used to skin their knees. And...wait a minute...those aren't little kids playing. Their mommies--and especially their daddies--are in there with them, coplaying or play-by-play coaching. Few take it half-easy on the perimeter benches, as parents used to do, letting the kids figure things out for themselves.

Then there are the sanitizing gels, with which over a third of parents now send their kids to school, according to a recent survey. Presumably, parents now worry that school bathrooms are not good enough for their children.

Consider the teacher new to an upscale suburban town. Shuffling through the sheaf of reports certifying the educational "accommodations" he was required to make for many of his history students, he was struck by the exhaustive, well-written--and obviously costly--one on behalf of a girl who was already proving among the most competent of his ninth-graders. "She's somewhat neurotic," he confides, "but she is bright, organized and conscientious--the type who'd get to school to turn in a paper on time, even if she were dying of stomach flu." He finally found the disability he was to make allowances for: difficulty with Gestalt thinking. The 13-year-old "couldn't see the big picture." That cleverly devised defect (what 13-year-old can construct the big picture?) would allow her to take all her tests untimed, especially the big one at the end of the rainbow, the college-worthy SAT.

Behold the wholly sanitized childhood, without skinned knees or the occasional C in history. "Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope."

Messing up, however, even in the playground, is wildly out of style. Although error and experimentation are the true mothers of success, parents are taking pains to remove failure from the equation.

"Life is planned out for us," says Elise Kramer, a Cornell University junior. "But we don't know what to want." As Elkind puts it, "Parents and schools are no longer geared toward child development, they're geared to academic achievement."

No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so heavily in their children's outcome from an early age. But taking all the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they're robbed of identity, meaning and a sense of accomplishment, to say nothing of a shot at real happiness. Forget, too, about perseverance, not simply a moral virtue but a necessary life skill. These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of 21st-century youth. Whether we want to or not, we're on our way to creating a nation of wimps.

The Fragility Factor

College, it seems, is where the fragility factor is now making its greatest mark. It's where intellectual and developmental tracks converge as the emotional training wheels come off. By all accounts, psychological distress is rampant on college campuses. It takes a variety of forms, including anxiety and depression--which are increasingly regarded as two faces of the same coin--binge drinking and substance abuse, self-mutilation and other forms of disconnection. The mental state of students is now so precarious for so many that, says Steven Hyman, provost of Harvard University and former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, "it is interfering with the core mission of the university."

The severity of student mental health problems has been rising since 1988, according to an annual survey of counseling center directors. Through 1996, the most common problems raised by students were relationship issues. That is developmentally appropriate, reports Sherry Benton, assistant director of counseling at Kansas State University. But in 1996, anxiety overtook relationship concerns and has remained the major problem. The University of Michigan Depression Center, the nation's first, estimates that 15 percent of college students nationwide are suffering from that disorder alone.

Relationship problems haven't gone away; their nature has dramatically shifted and the severity escalated. Colleges report ever more cases of obsessive pursuit, otherwise known as stalking, leading to violence, even death. Anorexia or bulimia in florid or subclinical form now afflict 40 percent of women at some time in their college career. Eleven weeks into a semester, reports psychologist Russ Federman, head of counseling at the University of Virginia, "all appointment slots are filled. But the students don't stop coming."

Drinking, too, has changed. Once a means of social lubrication, it has acquired a darker, more desperate nature. Campuses nationwide are reporting record increases in binge drinking over the past decade, with students often stuporous in class, if they get there at all. Psychologist Paul E. Joffe, chair of the suicide prevention team at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, contends that at bottom binge-drinking is a quest for authenticity and intensity of experience. It gives young people something all their own to talk about, and sharing stories about the path to passing out is a primary purpose. It's an inverted world in which drinking to oblivion is the way to feel connected and alive.

"There is a ritual every university administrator has come to fear," reports John Portmann, professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. "Every fall, parents drop off their well-groomed freshmen and within two or three days many have consumed a dangerous amount of alcohol and placed themselves in harm's way. These kids have been controlled for so long, they just go crazy."

Heavy drinking has also become the quickest and easiest way to gain acceptance, says psychologist Bernardo J. Carducci, professor at Indiana University Southeast and founder of its Shyness Research Institute. "Much of collegiate social activity is centered on alcohol consumption because it's an anxiety reducer and demands no social skills," he says. "Plus it provides an instant identity; it lets people know that you are willing to belong."

Welcome to the Hothouse

Talk to a college president or administrator and you're almost certainly bound to hear tales of the parents who call at 2 a.m. to protest Branden's C in economics because it's going to damage his shot at grad school.

Shortly after psychologist Robert Epstein announced to his university students that he expected them to work hard and would hold them to high standards, he heard from a parent--on official judicial stationery--asking how he could dare mistreat the young. Epstein, former editor in chief of Psychology Today, eventually filed a complaint with the California commission on judicial misconduct, and the judge was censured for abusing his office--but not before he created havoc in the psychology department at the University of California San Diego.

Enter: grade inflation. When he took over as president of Harvard in July 2001, Lawrence Summers publicly ridiculed the value of honors after discovering that 94 percent of the college's seniors were graduating with them. Safer to lower the bar than raise the discomfort level. Grade inflation is the institutional response to parental anxiety about school demands on children, contends social historian Peter Stearns of George Mason University. As such, it is a pure index of emotional overinvestment in a child's success. And it rests on a notion of juvenile frailty--"the assumption that children are easily bruised and need explicit uplift," Stearns argues in his book, Anxious Parenting: A History of Modern Childrearing in America.

Parental protectionism may reach its most comic excesses in college, but it doesn't begin there. Primary schools and high schools are arguably just as guilty of grade inflation. But if you're searching for someone to blame, consider Dr. Seuss. "Parents have told their kids from day one that there's no end to what they are capable of doing," says Virginia's Portmann. "They read them the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go! and create bumper stickers telling the world their child is an honor student. American parents today expect their children to be perfect--the smartest, fastest, most charming people in the universe. And if they can't get the children to prove it on their own, they'll turn to doctors to make their kids into the people that parents want to believe their kids are."

What they're really doing, he stresses, is "showing kids how to work the system for their own benefit."

And subjecting them to intense scrutiny. "I wish my parents had some hobby other than me," one young patient told David Anderegg, a child psychologist in Lenox, Massachusetts, and professor of psychology at Bennington College. Anderegg finds that anxious parents are hyperattentive to their kids, reactive to every blip of their child's day, eager to solve every problem for their child--and believe that's good parenting. "If you have an infant and the baby has gas, burping the baby is being a good parent. But when you have a 10-year-old who has metaphoric gas, you don't have to burp him. You have to let him sit with it, try to figure out what to do about it. He then learns to tolerate moderate amounts of difficulty, and it's not the end of the world."

Arrivederci, Playtime

In the hothouse that child raising has become, play is all but dead. Over 40,000 U.S. schools no longer have recess. And what play there is has been corrupted. The organized sports many kids participate in are managed by adults; difficulties that arise are not worked out by kids but adjudicated by adult referees.

"So many toys now are designed by and for adults," says Tufts' Elkind. When kids do engage in their own kind of play, parents become alarmed. Anderegg points to kids exercising time-honored curiosity by playing doctor. "It's normal for children to have curiosity about other children's genitals," he says. "But when they do, most parents I know are totally freaked out. They wonder what's wrong."

Kids are having a hard time even playing neighborhood pick-up games because they've never done it, observes Barbara Carlson, president and cofounder of Putting Families First. "They've been told by their coaches where on the field to stand, told by their parents what color socks to wear, told by the referees who's won and what's fair. Kids are losing leadership skills."

A lot has been written about the commercialization of children's play, but not the side effects, says Elkind. "Children aren't getting any benefits out of play as they once did." From the beginning play helps children learn how to control themselves, how to interact with others. Contrary to the widely held belief that only intellectual activities build a sharp brain, it's in play that cognitive agility really develops. Studies of children and adults around the world demonstrate that social engagement actually improves intellectual skills. It fosters decision-making, memory and thinking, speed of mental processing. This shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, the human mind is believed to have evolved to deal with social problems.

The Eternal Umbilicus

It's bad enough that today's children are raised in a psychological hothouse where they are overmonitored and oversheltered. But that hothouse no longer has geographical or temporal boundaries. For that you can thank the cell phone. Even in college--or perhaps especially at college--students are typically in contact with their parents several times a day, reporting every flicker of experience. One long-distance call overheard on a recent cross-campus walk: "Hi, Mom. I just got an ice-cream cone; can you believe they put sprinkles on the bottom as well as on top?"

"Kids are constantly talking to parents," laments Cornell student Kramer, which makes them perpetually homesick. Of course, they're not telling the folks everything, notes Portmann. "They're not calling their parents to say, 'I really went wild last Friday at the frat house and now I might have chlamydia. Should I go to the student health center?'"

The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises, "they're constantly referring to their parents for guidance," reports Kramer. They're not learning how to manage for themselves.

Think of the cell phone as the eternal umbilicus. One of the ways we grow up is by internalizing an image of Mom and Dad and the values and advice they imparted over the early years. Then, whenever we find ourselves faced with uncertainty or difficulty, we call on that internalized image. We become, in a way, all the wise adults we've had the privilege to know. "But cell phones keep kids from figuring out what to do," says Anderegg. "They've never internalized any images; all they've internalized is 'call Mom or Dad.'"

Some psychologists think we have yet to recognize the full impact of the cell phone on child development, because its use is so new. Although there are far too many variables to establish clear causes and effects, Indiana's Carducci believes that reliance on cell phones undermines the young by destroying the ability to plan ahead. "The first thing students do when they walk out the door of my classroom is flip open the cell phone. Ninety-five percent of the conversations go like this: 'I just got out of class; I'll see you in the library in five minutes.' Absent the phone, you'd have to make arrangements ahead of time; you'd have to think ahead."

Herein lies another possible pathway to depression. The ability to plan resides in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the executive branch of the brain. The PFC is a critical part of the self-regulation system, and it's deeply implicated in depression, a disorder increasingly seen as caused or maintained by unregulated thought patterns--lack of intellectual rigor, if you will. Cognitive therapy owes its very effectiveness to the systematic application of critical thinking to emotional reactions. Further, it's in the setting of goals and progress in working toward them, however mundane they are, that positive feelings are generated. From such everyday activity, resistance to depression is born.

What's more, cell phones--along with the instant availability of cash and almost any consumer good your heart desires--

promote fragility by weakening self-regulation. "You get used to things happening right away," says Carducci. You not only want the pizza now, you generalize that expectation to other domains, like friendship and intimate relationships. You become frustrated and impatient easily. You become unwilling to work out problems. And so relationships fail--perhaps the single most powerful experience leading to depression.

From Scrutiny to Anxiety...and Beyond

The 1990s witnessed a landmark reversal in the traditional patterns of psychopathology. While rates of depression rise with advancing age among people over 40, they're now increasing fastest among children, striking more children at younger and younger ages.

In his now-famous studies of how children's temperaments play out, Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences. About 20 percent of babies are born with a high-strung temperament. They can be spotted even in the womb; they have fast heartbeats. Their nervous systems are innately programmed to be overexcitable in response to stimulation, constantly sending out false alarms about what is dangerous.

As infants and children this group experiences stress in situations most kids find unthreatening, and they may go through childhood and even adulthood fearful of unfamiliar people and events, withdrawn and shy. At school age they become cautious, quiet and introverted. Left to their own devices they grow up shrinking from social encounters. They lack confidence around others. They're easily influenced by others. They are sitting ducks for bullies. And they are on the path to depression.

While their innate reactivity seems to destine all these children for later anxiety disorders, things didn't turn out that way. Between a touchy temperament in infancy and persistence of anxiety stand two highly significant things: parents. Kagan found to his surprise that the development of anxiety was scarcely inevitable despite apparent genetic programming. At age 2, none of the overexcitable infants wound up fearful if their parents backed off from hovering and allowed the children to find some comfortable level of accommodation to the world on their own. Those parents who overprotected their children--directly observed by conducting interviews in the home--brought out the worst in them.

A small percentage of children seem almost invulnerable to anxiety from the start. But the overwhelming majority of kids are somewhere in between. For them, overparenting can program the nervous system to create lifelong vulnerability to anxiety and depression.

There is in these studies a lesson for all parents. Those who allow their kids to find a way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses by themselves are helping them develop resilience and coping strategies. "Children need to be gently encouraged to take risks and learn that nothing terrible happens," says Michael Liebowitz, clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and head of the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at New York State Psychiatric Institute. "They need gradual exposure to find that the world is not dangerous. Having overprotective parents is a risk factor for anxiety disorders because children do not have opportunities to master their innate shyness and become more comfortable in the world." They never learn to dampen the pathways from perception to alarm reaction.

Hothouse parenting undermines children in other ways, too, says Anderegg. Being examined all the time makes children extremely self-conscious. As a result they get less communicative; scrutiny teaches them to bury their real feelings deeply. And most of all, self-consciousness removes the safety to be experimental and playful. "If every drawing is going to end up on your parents' refrigerator, you're not free to fool around, to goof up or make mistakes," says Anderegg.

Parental hovering is why so many teenagers are so ironic, he notes. It's a kind of detachment, "a way of hiding in plain sight. They just don't want to be exposed to any more scrutiny."

Parents are always so concerned about children having high self-esteem, he adds. "But when you cheat on their behalf to get them ahead of other children"--by pursuing accommodations and recommendations--"you just completely corrode their sense of self. They feel 'I couldn't do this on my own.' It robs them of their own sense of efficacy." A child comes to think, "if I need every advantage I can get, then perhaps there is really something wrong with me." A slam dunk for depression.

Virginia's Portmann feels the effects are even more pernicious; they weaken the whole fabric of society. He sees young people becoming weaker right before his eyes, more responsive to the herd, too eager to fit in--less assertive in the classroom, unwilling to disagree with their peers, afraid to question authority, more willing to conform to the expectations of those on the next rung of power above them.

Endless Adolescence

The end result of cheating childhood is to extend it forever. Despite all the parental pressure, and probably because of it, kids are pushing back--in their own way. They're taking longer to grow up.

Adulthood no longer begins when adolescence ends, according to a recent report by University of Pennsylvania sociologist Frank F. Furstenberg and colleagues. There is, instead, a growing no-man's-land of postadolescence from 20 to 30, which they dub "early adulthood." Those in it look like adults but "haven't become fully adult yet--traditionally defined as finishing school, landing a job with benefits, marrying and parenting--because they are not ready or perhaps not permitted to do so."

Using the classic benchmarks of adulthood, 65 percent of males had reached adulthood by the age of 30 in 1960. By contrast, in 2000, only 31 percent had. Among women, 77 percent met the benchmarks of adulthood by age 30 in 1960. By 2000, the number had fallen to 46 percent.

Boom Boom Boomerang

Take away play from the front end of development and it finds a way onto the back end. A steady march of success through regimented childhood arranged and monitored by parents creates young adults who need time to explore themselves. "They

often need a period in college or afterward to legitimately experiment--to be children," says historian Stearns. "There's decent historical evidence to suggest that societies that allow kids a few years of latitude and even moderate [rebellion] end up with healthier kids than societies that pretend such impulses don't exist."

Marriage is one benchmark of adulthood, but its antecedents extend well into childhood. "The precursor to marriage is dating, and the precursor to dating is playing," says Carducci. The less time children spend in free play, the less socially competent they'll be as adults. It's in play that we learn give and take, the fundamental rhythm of all relationships. We learn how to read the feelings of others and how to negotiate conflicts. Taking the play out of childhood, he says, is bound to create a developmental lag, and he sees it clearly in the social patterns of today's adolescents and young adults, who hang around in groups that are more typical of childhood. Not to be forgotten: The backdrop of continued high levels of divorce confuses kids already too fragile to take the huge risk of commitment.

Just Whose Shark Tank Is It Anyway?

The stressful world of cutthroat competition that parents see their kids facing may not even exist. Or it exists, but more in their mind than in reality--not quite a fiction, more like a distorting mirror. "Parents perceive the world as a terribly competitive place," observes Anderegg. "And many of them project that onto their children when they're the ones who live or work in a competitive environment. They then imagine that their children must be swimming in a big shark tank, too."

"It's hard to know what the world is going to look like 10 years from now," says Elkind. "How best do you prepare kids for that? Parents think that earlier is better. That's a natural intuition, but it happens to be wrong."

What if parents have micromanaged their kids' lives because they've hitched their measurement of success to a single event whose value to life and paycheck they have frantically overestimated? No one denies the Ivy League offers excellent learning experiences, but most educators know that some of the best programs exist at schools that don't top the U.S. News and World Report list, and that with the right attitude--a willingness to be engaged by new ideas--it's possible to get a meaningful education almost anywhere. Further, argues historian Stearns, there are ample openings for students at an array of colleges. "We have a competitive frenzy that frankly involves parents more than it involves kids themselves," he observes, both as a father of eight and teacher of many. "Kids are more ambivalent about the college race than are parents ."

Yet the very process of application to select colleges undermines both the goal of education and the inherent strengths of young people. "It makes kids sneaky," says Anderegg. Bending rules and calling in favors to give one's kid a competitive edge is morally corrosive.

Like Stearns, he is alarmed that parents, pursuing disability diagnoses so that children can take untimed SATs, actually encourage kids to think of themselves as sickly and fragile. Colleges no longer know when SATs are untimed--but the kids know. "The kids know when you're cheating on their behalf," says Anderegg, "and it makes them feel terribly guilty. Sometimes they arrange to fail to right the scales. And when you cheat on their behalf, you completely undermine their sense of self-esteem. They feel they didn't earn it on their own."

In buying their children accommodations to assuage their own anxiety, parents are actually locking their kids into fragility. Says the suburban teacher: "Exams are a fact of life. They are anxiety-producing. The kids never learn how to cope with

anxiety."

Putting Worry in its Place

Children, however, are not the only ones who are harmed by hyperconcern. Vigilance is enormously taxing--and it's taken all the fun out of parenting. "Parenting has in some measurable ways become less enjoyable than it used to be," says Stearns. "I find parents less willing to indulge their children's sense of time. So they either force-feed them or do things for them."

Parents need to abandon the idea of perfection and give up some of the invasive control they've maintained over their children. The goal of parenting, Portmann reminds, is to raise an independent human being. Sooner or later, he says, most kids will be forced to confront their own mediocrity. Parents may find it easier to give up some control if they recognize they have exaggerated many of the dangers of childhood--although they have steadfastly ignored others, namely the removal of recess from schools and the ubiquity of video games that encourage aggression.

The childhood we've introduced to our children is very different from that in past eras, Epstein stresses. Children no longer work at young ages. They stay in school for longer periods of time and spend more time exclusively in the company of peers. Children are far less integrated into adult society than they used to be at every step of the way. We've introduced laws that give children many rights and protections--although we have allowed media and marketers to have free access.

In changing the nature of childhood, Stearns argues, we've introduced a tendency to assume that children can't handle difficult situations. "Middle-class parents especially assume that if kids start getting into difficulty they need to rush in and do it for them, rather than let them flounder a bit and learn from it. I don't mean we should abandon them," he says, "but give them more credit for figuring things out." And recognize that parents themselves have created many of the stresses and anxieties children are suffering from, without giving them tools to manage them.

While the adults are at it, they need to remember that one of the goals of higher education is to help young people develop the capacity to think for themselves.

Although we're well on our way to making kids more fragile, no one thinks that kids and young adults are fundamentally more flawed than in previous generations. Maybe many will

"recover" from diagnoses too liberally slapped on to them. In his own studies of 14 skills he has identified as essential for adulthood in American culture, from love to leadership, Epstein has found that "although teens don't necessarily behave in a competent way, they have the potential to be every bit as competent and as incompetent as adults."

Parental anxiety has its place. But the way things now stand, it's not being applied wisely. We're paying too much attention to too few kids--and in the end, the wrong kids. As with the girl whose parents bought her the Gestalt-defect diagnosis, resources are being expended for kids who don't need them.

There are kids who are worth worrying about--kids in poverty, stresses Anderegg. "We focus so much on our own children," says Elkind, "It's time to begin caring about all children."


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: nannystate
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1 posted on 12/09/2004 4:43:40 AM PST by billorites
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To: billorites

Finally! Someone finally has the guts to say it!


2 posted on 12/09/2004 4:46:48 AM PST by SolutionsOnly
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To: billorites

Boy is this right on.......We have a nation ( exception being our young people serving in Iraq) of whining babies, that want every little (or big) bump in the road smoothed out by someone else. The very thought of having to sacrifice or work a problem out on their own is emotionally crippling.


3 posted on 12/09/2004 4:53:23 AM PST by marty60
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To: SolutionsOnly

There is way too much of that for me to read, but I agree with what I did read. The latest craze for "teaching" children to "read" by offering them electronic books that sound out words FOR them, and the mothers who sit with their babies encouraging them to push buttons -- rather than READING to their babies -- is a very said sight.


4 posted on 12/09/2004 4:55:07 AM PST by KateatRFM
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To: KateatRFM

Finish Later


5 posted on 12/09/2004 4:58:28 AM PST by heckler (wiskey for my men, beer for my horses, rifles for sister sarah)
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To: billorites

That's a whole lot of words to say "Kids are whiny these days." :D


6 posted on 12/09/2004 5:01:39 AM PST by Constantine XIII
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To: heckler

I have two full time jobs and work 14 hours a day. Unless I can read it on the bus, I don't have time to read anything that long.

But I'd like to print it out and read it on the plane.


7 posted on 12/09/2004 5:02:01 AM PST by KateatRFM
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To: billorites

Great read....makes me want to put a copy of this on the windshield of every car with a 'baby-on-board' sticker.


8 posted on 12/09/2004 5:04:13 AM PST by kahoutek
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To: KateatRFM
Long before I was blessed with two daughters, a friend said to me "If you want your kids to read, read to them, and keep books in the house."

Both of my girls are voracious readers, and bless me, conservative.

9 posted on 12/09/2004 5:07:33 AM PST by kahoutek
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To: billorites

read later


10 posted on 12/09/2004 5:11:31 AM PST by Sam's Army (Never trust anyone that still wears an 80's surfer cut)
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To: kahoutek
"If you want your kids to read, read to them, and keep books in the house."

That is so true. Also, parents who read a lot tend to have children who do. The children see their parents reading frequently and they're curious. Little ones like to emulate the grown-ups.

11 posted on 12/09/2004 5:12:28 AM PST by Allegra (11 days until I'm home!)
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To: billorites

this article, what I read anyway, reminds me of a conversation that I had with my favorite nun some 15 years ago. She spoke of how young people know nothing of sacrifice and problem solving and so are finding their way to antidepressants or suicide. I work in an elementary school and I constantly see parents at play and meals with their children..some would chew the food for their kids if possible..and want to know EVERYTHING their child does..what they ate, who they like, what they play..sad.


12 posted on 12/09/2004 5:13:14 AM PST by coloradomomba
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To: billorites

It gets worse than all this, actually.

Not only are kids and young adults getting wimpier, but those who had lives less sugar-coated now have the problem. We are called "insensitive", "mean-spirited", "racist", "misogynistic", "everything-o-phobic", etc etc.

In another time better appellations would have been strength, fortitude, constitution, drive to succeed and unwillingness to quit; today those traits mean we're sick in some way.

If this article truly represents a majority of American youth, can we ever have a victory won "on the playing fields of Eton"?


13 posted on 12/09/2004 5:15:53 AM PST by Gefreiter (When seconds count, the police are minutes away.)
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To: billorites

BTTT


14 posted on 12/09/2004 5:17:08 AM PST by spodefly (I've posted nothing but BTTT over 1000 times!!!)
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To: billorites

Great article.


15 posted on 12/09/2004 5:17:36 AM PST by Bahbah
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To: SolutionsOnly

The tv/movie gold standard parent does whatever it takes to be a the kids little league/ soccer game/school play.

I’m 38 and my parents only occasionally attended my little game games and it didn’t bother me a bit. In fact, I like being with my friends and away from parental authority. It was fun riding to practice with my friends and then getting candy and comic books afterward.

Countless summer Saturdays, I would say so-long to my parents to go ride bikes/ hang out/ play kick-ball with my friends and not return until afternoon.

Sadly, those days are gone. Suburban kids today live in Clorox wiped, side airbag equipped, wheat free, play date scheduled safety bubble.



16 posted on 12/09/2004 5:20:58 AM PST by ElTianti
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To: Allegra; kahoutek

So true!

I don't have children (yet) but this is how my mother raised me. I was surprised when I went to my little friends' houses and they didn't read or play word games with their moms.

Now when I buy books, I have an eye not only to what I want/need to read, but what I think I should have for young 'uns to read someday.


17 posted on 12/09/2004 5:21:59 AM PST by Gefreiter (When seconds count, the police are minutes away.)
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To: billorites

I just read the whole thing, and a great read it was. Thanks for posting. Big bump!


18 posted on 12/09/2004 5:23:25 AM PST by truthkeeper (Yeah, I have a 1998 signup date. So?)
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To: billorites

"We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences.

I must be one of the smartest people in the world.


19 posted on 12/09/2004 5:23:30 AM PST by oldbrowser (You lost the election.....................Get over it.)
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To: billorites

The guy's on the money.


20 posted on 12/09/2004 5:33:46 AM PST by Dan from Michigan ("BZZZZZT You are fined one credit for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute")
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To: Dan from Michigan

Correction. The lady's on the money.


21 posted on 12/09/2004 5:34:08 AM PST by Dan from Michigan ("BZZZZZT You are fined one credit for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute")
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To: Gefreiter
If this article truly represents a majority of American youth

Sadly, it appears to in my area.

As I drive through the neighborhood and past the playgrounds I wonder "where are the children?".

These poor hot-house kids are being robbed of their childhood.

22 posted on 12/09/2004 5:35:29 AM PST by iconoclast (Conservative, not partisan.)
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To: billorites

Very true and quite annoying. We have friends and family who obsess over having everything perfect for their kids - and their kids rule their houses. My husband and I subscribe to the school of thought "if you center your life around your kids, you'll turn them into self-centered adults". We've heaped love, affection, and support on our three - but when they fall, we let them. Had to let our oldest spend a night in jail versus going and immediately bailing him out - so he would learn his lesson and hopefully not ever want to wind up there again. They've never worn those stupid-looking helmets when riding their bikes and I've never bought a drop of that hand-sanitizer stuff (being exposed to germs gives kids a stronger immunity to illnesses I believe).

I am so proud of my three kids - they are extremely smart, stand-up, self-sufficient kind of people - and are definitely not whiners. I love them enough to want them to be as prepared as possible for the REAL WORLD. It's tough enough out there, and as parents, it's our responsibility to prepare them for the world - not protect them from it!


23 posted on 12/09/2004 5:37:37 AM PST by LibSnubber (liberal democrats are domestic terrorists)
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To: kahoutek

Better still get the cars at the soccer game.....


24 posted on 12/09/2004 5:39:55 AM PST by .45MAN ("God bless America and George W. Bush")
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To: billorites
...Left to their own devices they grow up shrinking from social encounters. They lack confidence around others. They're easily influenced by others. They are sitting ducks for bullies. And they are on the path to depression....

...As a result they get less communicative; scrutiny teaches them to bury their real feelings deeply. And most of all, self-consciousness removes the safety to be experimental and playful...

...No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so heavily in their children's outcome from an early age...

We are creating a world populated by submissive drones, and we have been given real incentives for doing it. The new world order of Global Socialism requires obedience and control.
25 posted on 12/09/2004 5:40:10 AM PST by ARCADIA (Abuse of power comes as no surprise)
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To: dansangel

ping


26 posted on 12/09/2004 5:40:11 AM PST by .45MAN ("God bless America and George W. Bush")
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To: billorites
Kids are having a hard time even playing neighborhood pick-up games because they've never done it, observes Barbara Carlson, president and cofounder of Putting Families First. "They've been told by their coaches where on the field to stand, told by their parents what color socks to wear, told by the referees who's won and what's fair. Kids are losing leadership skills."

Amen. When my youngest kids and I moved to my parents home to take care of my mom, I thought about all the pick up ball games during summer and fall on my street. Middle of a summer day, no kids. It hit me when it was the middle of the day in July, and all I could hear were birds chirping.

This article is well worth the read, and definitely right on target. I could go on about the friend of my oldest daughters and SAT tests.

27 posted on 12/09/2004 5:44:43 AM PST by TheSpottedOwl ("In the Kingdom of the Deluded, the Most Outrageous Liar is King".)
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To: All

Well ... maybe I'm not such a bad parent after all. So I have permission to yell "Turn off the TV! Go OUTSIDE! Why don't you pick up a book? Bored --? So what? Then practice your spelling words!"

How much of this coddling goes on because the dads are not around or are disengaged?

DH here is very hands on ... and he also lets the kids do stuff that would curl my hair if I knew exactly what's going on.

Ann


28 posted on 12/09/2004 5:46:18 AM PST by Cloverfarm (Red-state Natalist)
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To: billorites

Great article:)

Another thing is they are wimps physically too. Run to the doctor for every little ole bump or bruise. A boy that works for us parents ran him to the emergency room after he hit his thumb with a hammer.....Yeah, there was some blood, yeah it hurt, but the emergency room...my kids would have got peroxicde and a bandaid:)

Becky


29 posted on 12/09/2004 5:46:33 AM PST by PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
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To: ARCADIA
We are creating a world populated by submissive drones, and we have been given real incentives for doing it. The new world order of Global Socialism requires obedience and control.

Exactly. That thought occured to me while I was reading. Regarding those ridiculous bike helmets, parents will be fined, in some instances quite a bit of money, if a cop spots your child without one.

30 posted on 12/09/2004 5:51:33 AM PST by TheSpottedOwl ("In the Kingdom of the Deluded, the Most Outrageous Liar is King".)
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To: billorites; .45MAN

Amazing. This article is a viable explanation for all of the "Post Election Stress Trauma" sufferers here in Palm Beach County.

They are a classic example of spoiled, protected, self-indulged, underdeveloped, perpetual children with zero coping skills.

I hope they all go broke and their "therapists" all get rich. Serves 'em right.


31 posted on 12/09/2004 5:52:09 AM PST by dansangel (Thank you Veterans past and present!)
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To: billorites

VERY interesting! Thanks for posting.

I have bookmarked to read in detail later. I wonder if the article also mentions that so many seem to want to claim a right not to be offended by anything, anytime, anyplace, ever. Get over it!


32 posted on 12/09/2004 5:58:24 AM PST by cvq3842
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To: LibSnubber
They've never worn those stupid-looking helmets when riding their bikes and I've never bought a drop of that hand-sanitizer stuff (being exposed to germs gives kids a stronger immunity to illnesses I believe).

I started preaching self sufficiency to my twin daughters at a very young age.

Starting with the Mama Gorilla story-

A female gorilla gave birth to a baby at a very late time in her life. She did everything for it - feeding, grooming, even after it was grown. Eventually the mother gorilla died, and a short time later, so did the baby....Why? Because she never taught it to fend for itself.

People don't realize what an injustice they're doing to their children by always doing everything for them and taking all the bumps out of living.

One of my daughters got infuriated at me one day because I refused to pack her lunch for school (which they've been doing for themselves since first grade).

"But Mom! I'll STARVE!" she complained

"Well, if your so lazy you can't slap a piece of meat between two slices of bread, maybe you deserve to starve!" I replied.

Some folks might think that was kind of harsh, but I refuse to have them grow up to become teenagers that sit on their butts and expect Mom to wait on them hand and foot!

33 posted on 12/09/2004 5:58:27 AM PST by MamaTexan (I am NOT a 'legal entity')
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To: iconoclast
"As I drive through the neighborhood and past the playgrounds I wonder "where are the children?".

Very sad - many parents (ex-wife included) will never let their kids play outside by themselves. When my ex did see kids outside playing, her comment was "The parents that let their kids play outside without their parents, are the parents who wonder why their kids are kidnapped." One of several reasons she's an ex. He kids (from a previous marriage) were hovered over to the point that when they were alone, they got into much bigger tropuble than if they had been given some space earlier in life.

34 posted on 12/09/2004 6:00:24 AM PST by doc30 (Democrats are to morals what and Etch-A-Sketch is to Art.)
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To: TheSpottedOwl
Same here. When I was a kid, I rode my BMX bike everyday with my friends. Our mothers used to have to make us come inside. If my Mom thought we had watched enough TV, it was "Why don't ya'll go out and play?" There were always kids outside in the neighborhood to goof off with.

Now, I never hardy see kids outside. I know they are here, I see school busses full of 'em. They just never seem to make it outside.

35 posted on 12/09/2004 6:05:10 AM PST by L98Fiero
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To: MamaTexan

I like your style, Mama! I started teaching mine how to do laundry, dishes, and cook pretty early on - they had to stand on a chair to reach the stove when cooking with me (gasp!). It's amazing too - the more I've taught them, the more they want to do for themselves. Go figure!


36 posted on 12/09/2004 6:05:27 AM PST by LibSnubber (liberal democrats are domestic terrorists)
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To: billorites

Kids who are raised like this will be CRUSHED in real life by kids who aren't.


37 posted on 12/09/2004 6:11:04 AM PST by beef ("Blessed are the geeks, for they shall inherit the earth.")
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To: .45MAN
This is so true, but to be fair...all kids are different. My husband and I are raising three awesome kids, read constantly to them all...the whole nine yards..The oldest is an over achiever...works hard does well in college, sports, pretty much the perfect kid...middle child, laid back, doesn't read much, does ok in school, but loves working with his hands, being outdoors, kind of a loner but happy; third kid, does crappy in school as far as grades, struggles like crazy with homework, has tons of friends, sort of a guys guy, is an incredible football player (yeah, NFL is his dream)..So, I think you just do the best you can as a parent, teach them self respect and to respect others, good work ethic and the chips will fall where they may. The key; don't worry so much!
38 posted on 12/09/2004 6:18:40 AM PST by ladiesview61
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To: billorites

insurance company propaganda aimed at limiting liability: it's the Nanny State.


39 posted on 12/09/2004 6:20:50 AM PST by the invisib1e hand (if a man lives long enough, he gets to see the same thing over and over.)
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To: billorites

The public schools are working! The public schools are working!

There are now lots of damaged human resources for Big Nurse to manage!

Kids - only you can shut this ugly system down - the adults in your society are too far gone down the path of accepting socialism.


40 posted on 12/09/2004 6:21:58 AM PST by headsonpikes (Another five-fingered Canadian... ;^))
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To: billorites

Great article! I know a lot of the stuff they talked about is not prevelant with my kids' friends, because most of them are also home schooled - which may seem like an oxymoron: non-hothouse home schooled kids. However, when all the kids around your kids are also allowed to "go play" with no adults on the field; and all the kids in the group are told "make a documentary on the Revoluationary War, tell us when you're done," or "quit whining, work it out yourselves," it makes it very easy to not over-protect your kids. Our kids have much more non-peer interaction through their volunteer work (which happens during "school hours,"), so they are not pressured with the perfection level of all peers. I know home schoolers who do WAY over protect their kids, so I'm not advocating home schooling as the only way to stop this trend; I just know that - for us - because we home school, we circulate in a different social set than more people who succumb to the hot house effect.


41 posted on 12/09/2004 6:23:57 AM PST by Day Kay
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To: ladiesview61; dansangel
I think you just do the best you can as a parent, teach them self respect and to respect others, good work ethic and the chips will fall where they may. The key; don't worry so much!

Guess what! that's it in a nut shell

42 posted on 12/09/2004 6:25:07 AM PST by .45MAN ("God bless America and George W. Bush")
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To: KateatRFM
The one thing I notice is that people don't TALK to their children, they talk at them. Sometimes it's just a running commentary on the adults part and the child never gets a word in edgewise. There is no semblance of a conversation.

I hate it when I hear a mother following after a kid, nagging, especially when they are sitting there telling him not to do something that the kid is doing and not doing anything to stop them except nagging.

43 posted on 12/09/2004 6:27:14 AM PST by tiki (Won one against the Flipper)
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To: billorites

Just want to make a couple quick comments. Being a 21 year old college student, I do agree that this Lady has hit the nail right on the head. I do see alot of coddled, self-centered, insecure, (dare I say) brats. But I also see alot of overcomer's, risk-takers, achievers, self sufficient young adults. While we do need to look at this problem I am afraid that if we simply focus to much on what is wrong we will somehow convince ourself that nothing is right. I am proud of many people of my generation (especially the conservative ones), and I think that our skills and abilities will surprise the older generation someday.


44 posted on 12/09/2004 6:34:22 AM PST by Ksnavely
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To: TheSpottedOwl
Kids are having a hard time even playing neighborhood pick-up games because they've never done it, observes Barbara Carlson, president and cofounder of Putting Families First.

I agree with this contention, and it is true for alot of kids, but one of the best places in America to be a 10 year-old boy is on our cul-de-sac. There's 4 of them who live in the circle, and they usually draw in a few more. The biggest challenge is keeping them from rushing through their homework. We always know whose yard they are in because you can hear them playing. We also know they are up to no-good when it gets really quiet.

45 posted on 12/09/2004 6:39:57 AM PST by Hat-Trick (Do you trust a government that cannot trust you with guns?)
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To: ElTianti
This morning, just like every other morning during the school year, I saw many, many cars parked at school bus stops. Parents were sitting in their cars mere feet away while the children stood waiting for the bus.

I've always been disturbed by this behavior. If they're going to drive them to the bus stop, why not drive them to the school? Why have half a dozen parents-in-cars sitting there supervising them? Sheesh.

46 posted on 12/09/2004 6:57:23 AM PST by Chemist_Geek ("Drill, R&D, and conserve" should be our watchwords! Energy independence for America!)
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To: LibSnubber
they had to stand on a chair to reach the stove when cooking with me (gasp!). It's amazing too - the more I've taught them, the more they want to do for themselves.

I think most children inherently want to be helpful, they've just never been taught how to be.

My girls watched me cook via the 'chair' method when they were small as well.

One was particularly hardheaded about trying to touch the stove while I was cooking. After about the 15 millionth 'Don't touch it, it's hot', I let the stove cool off considerably. When she reached for it (looking at me the whole time, of course) I told her 'Go ahead! You want to touch it, then touch it, but it's hot!"

She did, yanked her hand back, and tears welled up in her eyes. I told her not to even think about crying, because I'd told her repeatedly NOT to touch it.

The older twin loves to cook to this day. She made a chocolate layer cake last weekend that was scrumptious!

I just can't believe they turn 11 on Monday!

47 posted on 12/09/2004 7:00:01 AM PST by MamaTexan (I am NOT a 'legal entity')
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To: MamaTexan

Well, Happy Birthday to your twins! And may they have many, many more!

And, isn't it amazing that if you don't expect much of them - they're happy to oblige. But if you teach and then challenge them - they will absolutely amaze you!


48 posted on 12/09/2004 7:14:30 AM PST by LibSnubber (liberal democrats are domestic terrorists)
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To: billorites

Great piece. Bump.


49 posted on 12/09/2004 7:22:09 AM PST by Uncledave
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To: billorites

Teach a boy to hunt and fish - he'll grow up to be a man. I firmly believe that. No guarantees he'll be a responsible human being...but it's a great way to start out.

These days, hunters and fishermen are held in more contempt by the liberal PETA-freaks and pussy pseudo-intellectuals than are the terrorists.

I was raised by my grandparents - definitely "old school". Even though Grandpa was a democrat, (Roosevelt, Depression-era democrat...not like today's nutsacs), the old guy raised me with a sense of right and wrong.

- You do right - you don't get an award...you just don't get your ass busted.

- You do wrong - you get the award of getting your ass busted.

He and Grandma loved me enough to tear my ass up when I did something I knew was wrong. I learned from that - and I can never thank them enough.

From age seven on, I played for hours with no supervision. If I wasn't home when I was supposed to be, they'd come looking for me and I'd get my ass busted for not having a damn good reason.

I have more scars on my body than I care to mention. I broke both my arms two years apart. I swung from trees, swam in dirty ponds, jumped ramps with my bike, built treehouses, hunted squirrels, rabbits, and deer (and ate what I killed), caught fish, walked for miles along railroad tracks, played soldier (which no doubt led to my current 17-year US Army profession), and made friends I still have to this day.

I drank my first beer at age 13 and have been in love ever since. I learned to drive on a Case tractor. (The two previous experiences sometimes coincided!) I learned the hard way that a mean old bull does not want you riding on his back.

Yes - I grew up in a small town in the 60s and 70s. Things have changed, or should I say "people have changed things"?

It's all esoteric, social engineering designed to make everything safe, easy, and more digestible for the wimpiest slacker pussies among us - it's just that simple.

It's a regressive mindset that gets worse with each generation. I'd hate to see young adults today have to endure something like the Great Depression.


50 posted on 12/09/2004 7:31:51 AM PST by Don Simmons (Annoy a liberal: Work hard; Prosper; Be Happy.)
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