Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
How so?
Replacement rate is a nice theory, but it doesn't work in practice. How many "free will" replacement rate societies exist around the world? Societies are either expansive and limited by their environment/conditions/emigration or they are collapsing and supported by immigration.
Neither should my husband's parents. I thank God for him, but his mother especially was never prepared for what it took to have kids. She was already a bad mother while he was still in the womb.
What a beautiful post. I'll remember it.
And you're right: you don't know love until you have a child.
Population isn't really exponential excepted in limited conditions, such as the remarkable medical advances of the past 100 years. When the average lifespan was 45 and the possible lifespan was, say 100, then an exponential jump was possible. With the possible lifespan pretty well reached, population isn't growing quite so fast.
Nor is there any real shortage of arable land. I live next to one of the largest cities in the world and arable land is being gobbled up for development simply because it is nearly worthless as arable land. By the population gloom and doomers' own numbers, we could support at least ten times the planetary population we have.
It bothers you to get a Christmas card with someone's kid on it? Seriously? I have 3 kids and sometimes send out pics, sometimes not (and usually depending on the audience) but it would never offend me if someone sent me a card with their dog or boat or even their favorite potted plant on it. I did work with someone once who gave her coworkers pictures of her kid to put on their desks. That to me was irritating.
8-) That would just make the marriage doubly anullable. Usually one party is bringing the annulment. I've never heard of two people petitioning at the same time.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Geez!
Look, Wanker, er... Wenker
The Moon orbits the Earth, which in turn revolves around the Sun.
The Sun and the planets are part of a Solar System that revolves around the center of the Milky Way galaxy.
The Milky Way is part of a cluster of galaxies called the "Local Group" that revolve around a central point in the universe.
That central point is not you.
Get over it.
There are various organizations, as well as studies done by our own government which say fishing stocks have markedly declined because of population growth. More people means more pollution - live in any large city to witness this. And I don't want to live on a planet that is wall to wall people.
My husband and I are 40 and 42, DINKS, and proudly conservative!
We both have nieces and nephews and realize that we don't want kids.
What irritates me the most about friends who have kids is that they think it is OK to bring their SPOILED child along on the rare event that we get together for dinner at a nice restaurant. The evening is always spent cleaning up the overturned drink, constantly shushing the child who insists on yelling to his mom every time she tries to hold a conversation, taking him to the bathroom 3 or 4 times during dinner, pulling him off the top of the table or out from underneath the table and chasing him around the restaurant whenever he escapes and takes off running. And we KNOW if we suggest they get a sitter, it will sound offensive to them.
The instruction manual is given to you by your parents over the course of your childhood. Unfortunately, many of them are filled with misprints, typos and random pages from other books. And today, there only seem to be abridged versions available. Apparently the people who produce television shows and video games have been given responsibility for raising children. So you have to see them about obtaining a copy.
Really? What about couples who decide to have only one child, or two? These people are of the same mindset, and their numbers are not statistically insignificant. We are now below replacement level, excluding immigrants.
Hello Superiorslots/
My husband and I do not have any children, also by choice. We prayed about it a great deal before marrying, and decided (together) that being parents was just NOT God's call on our lives, nor did either of us want to have children. I do not believe that we are selfish or self-centered, and strive to be a blessing to others (and to be a great aunt and uncle to our 1 niece and 2 nephews). We also did not do it to save the environment (but, hey, we DO recycle!) We are staunch conservatives, evangelical christians, vote Republican, oppose abortion, and seek to help those less fortunate. My husband is active duty military, in his 22nd year of service to our nation.
We are not selfish, self-centered, or wackos becuase we have chosen not to have children. (And we did not make the decision for reasons based on career or money).
I agree with you that those who chastise or castigate us are just..... wrong.
God bless you and your wife.
Other than paying for welfare programs, what reason is there to grow the American population? Certainly, we should be aiming for at least replacement levels. If our native birth rate is lower than replacement level, we can make up the difference with sensible immigration policies.
However, I see no reason to grow the American population to, say, 500 million.
I have never understood people who care more about animals than they do other people. I never will, but I wished you well anyway. What more do you want?
This weekend, some friends and I went target shooting. Two guys brought their sons. One boy was an absolute pleasure-fun, responsible, good humored and tough. The other boy, who was younger, was a whiney brat who got in the way and ended up crying and annoying everyone else.
I don't have kids yet and my wife and I want a few, but sometimes, when I have to hang around brats, I strongly consider surgery.
In the brat's defense, though, his dad is a wus too and shouldn't have come with us either.
But those of the same mind are not in disagreement. Annulment grounds only speaks to those seeking out, not to whether it is intrinsically wrong for couples to happily not desire children. I think there are other rules that apply to Catholics on that, but I am far from the one to find it and quote it, I am not Catholic :~D
Responsible people who care about their childrens' future. We have way too many people in this world who get knocked up without thinking about what kind of life they can provide their child.
Better not to exist than not to be schooled?
If I had a choice between being born and being deprived of my piece of paper, I'd tell you which one I'd pick.
What do I want? For people making judgments about me or giving me advice to at least make a fair analysis of what is actually driving my decision, and it is much more complex than just some misguided affection for animals over people, which is not in anything I have said.
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