I was raised with hairbrushes, yardsticks, branches, belts, whatever was handy...and indeed I smacked my children's chubby little thighs from time to time, namely when the child's disobedience presented an immediate danger (ie, trying to run away from me in a parking lot) or when the child's in-your-face defiance demanded immediate correction. I did not like to do it...and there's always a risk of harm when an angry adult reaches for a child. Even in "formal spankings" I never used anything besides my bare hand, but even so, it felt terrible to both of us and rarely resolved anything.
Once my kids reached an age of better comprehension, hitting seemed a very poor way to deal with whatever the problem was. My kids are strong-willed, and spanking was tempting...but I knew there would be a time when they would be too large and strong to punish physically. If I was ruling by fear up to that point, my arsenal would be empty when that confrontation came. I also knew that most schools don't permit corporal punishment (a discussion for another thread) and that the kids whose parents relied primarily on spanking to "control" their kids created little monsters for their teachers.
Spanking didn't make me a better-behaved child...it just made me sneakier. I also felt I could not talk to my parents about my mistakes or ask questions that might make them angry enough to hit me. I also remember that my paramount emotion while my bottom was smarting after a spanking was not "remorse" or "resolve to do better" but "rage" and, when punished unfairly, 'hate"..
By contrast, there are a LOT of teachable moments that come about because my kids know they can talk to me and even confess without fear. They know there will be discipline involved, but they don't have to be afraid of "what I might do to them". Sure, they may still "hate" me from time to time, but I hope that burning rage is never from my striking them and them desperately wanting to hit me back.
Making a choice not to spank doesn't automatically make me "permissive"...just as I would hesitate to call corporal punishment by most parents "abusive". In my own experience, however, other methods of discipline have proven more effective than spanking...and foster good communication instead of vengeful silence. As a side-note, it's interesting to me that nearly identical discussions occur on the dog training forum I read. Most agree that there are better ways to train a dog than striking the dog and most roundly criticize those who confess to hitting their dogs...And yet I can't count how many times I've seen dog owners at the park using the less effective, but "more humane" collars out of fear that they'll hurt their precious doggies who then turn to and smack their kids repeatedly for some minor infraction.
It sickens me to watch some of the things people do to their children in the name of discipline in public. I can't help but wonder if they behave with so little restraint in public, how do they behave behind closed doors? It's ugly and it doesn't really work. And I think the use of plastic rods and special paddles is obscene.
obscene: 1 : disgusting to the senses : REPULSIVE 2. a : repulsive by reason of crass disregard of moral or ethical principles b : so excessive as to be offensive
And you would be wrong. The use of plastic rods and special paddles are a means of REPRODUCIBLY providing an instrument which will hurt but not do lasting physical damage. You were actually MORE likely to injure your child by using your hand than if you would have used a paddle (paddle spreads the force of the blow over a larger area).
After we were sure that we were under control, we asked the child to come into a quiet room. We explained what the child had done to deserve discipline. We showed them how their disobedience violated one of God's commandments. The child had an opportunity to apologize. Then we administered the spanking in a very dispassionate manner. After we were finished, we would comfort and hug the child, showing that the offense was forgiven and forgotten.
It was all very sweet. The children were always happy and cheerful for the rest of the day.