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Breakup Blues: Romantic rejection a rite of passage for those who are looking for love
South Bend Trib ^ | February 8, 2005 | CHRISTINE COX

Posted on 02/08/2005 6:53:55 PM PST by rface

You're trying to ignore it, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner. And instead of stuffing your face with chocolates, you're licking your wounds from a breakup.

Worse yet, there's no escaping the glut of exuberant couples who seem to take over the world this time of year with their shiny faces and springy steps, rubbing your nose in their happiness by hoarding tables at your favorite restaurants and clogging the store aisles to buy candy and trinkets. The worst ones have you seeing red, literally, by shamelessly draping themselves in the color of love and decorating themselves with things heart-shaped.

But cheer up, friend. The next time you're walking behind a hands-clasped couple with rapture in their eyes, remember this: Odds are it's not gonna last.

Most romantic relationships die within 18 months to three years, says author Rosanne Rosen in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handling a Breakup." And statistics and common sense say rejection by a love interest happens to everyone at some point or other.

That's right -- we've all felt the anger, pain, depression, rejection, fear and worry you're probably experiencing right now.

And -- you're going to love this -- even though experts say breakups are good because they end unhealthy relationships, they also say the pain might not go away entirely.

"You can expect 10 percent of the pain to remain forever. And the longer you were in a relationship, the deeper it will go and the longer the pain will remain," says popular clinical psychologist "Dr. Judy" Kuriansky, known for her radio advice show and author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Healthy Relationships" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating."

Dr. Judy says it can take half the time of the relationship to get over a breakup -- for example, if you've been with someone for 10 years, it could take five years to heal from the relationship.

So right about now, what you need is some company, someone who understands what you're feeling. And a good laugh never hurts. So here are people sharing stories of romantic rejection (though the last one has a happy ending) to warm your heart this Valentine's Day.

Grab some chocolate and enjoy.

I had been dating a guy, who was a teacher's assistant in one of my college classes, for a couple months before he left for Europe. He was studying abroad in London during the spring semester and asked me to come and visit him during my spring break.

After traveling 2,000 miles, fighting with my family about taking the trip and convincing two of my girlfriends to go along with me, he said, "You know, this just isn't working out" as soon as I arrived in London.

-- Kathryn Reynolds, 20, a Louisville, Ky., native and University of Notre Dame junior studying history and sociology

I'd met up with Kate, an outstandingly nice person, through http://eHarmony.com in early November. We'd communicated extensively through e-mail for about a month, and I'd been down to visit her in Chicago twice in early December. I really liked her.

When it came close to Christmas, I bought a computer part I knew she needed as an early gift. A few days later, she called me as she was driving home from visiting friends in Milwaukee and said although she'd be happy for me to come down and visit, she just didn't think "the spark" was there.

I appreciated her honesty and thought we could remain friends.

So even knowing this was a dating dead-end, I still drove down to see her that evening -- and fixed her computer.

Then, the last week of December, I started communicating with Lisa from Indiana, who I'd met through http://Cupid.com.

We'd spent a few hours talking on the phone and seemed to have really hit it off. She invited me to have dinner and see a movie, and so I went down to see her.

Although I figured out quickly that I wasn't interested in her, I'd made a two-hour trip and didn't want to be the kind of guy who just walks in, meets his date and turns around to go home. We had dinner, went to the movie, then back to her apartment -- where I fixed her computer before I left to drive back home again.

So, if there are any women out there interested in dating me long enough to fix their computer, I guess I'm game ...

-- Computer technician Chris Bailey, 37, of Benton Harbor

After a string of a few Internet blind dates in grad school, I went out with a guy who proved to be the worst date I had ever been on.

Conversation was labored, he showed no interest in making small talk, and, after a couple drinks, it was obvious that he had more chemistry with the waitress than with me. It was the first and only date that I had ever been on where I seriously considered having a friend phone in an "emergency" to get me out.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, though, I did stick it out long enough to finish our drinks and even agreed to grab dessert at a restaurant across town.

On the drive back from the restaurant (I had been kind enough to offer him a ride back to his car, though I had thought seriously about leaving him at the restaurant), he mentioned that I was the first woman he'd met online that he had actually gone out with in person. I told him that he was the fourth for me.

"So, what happened to bachelors one through three?" he inquired snidely. I told him briefly about the three others I had met online and why none of them had worked out in the end.

"Phew," he replied, sarcastically. "I was afraid that you were going to tell me that you had gotten mad at them and dumped their bodies in some river."

"I usually wait until the third or fourth date before I decide to dump someone in a river," I shot back, matching his sarcasm. "You know, just to make sure that I really don't like them."

"Well, in that case, let's make sure that we don't get past date two," he said.

"Let's make sure we don't get past date one," I replied.

With that, we rolled up toward his vehicle that had been parked near campus. I was amazed that he actually let the car come to a complete stop before bolting out the door.

-- Sara Ulius, 26, of St. Joseph, who is engaged to be married in October to "someone far, far better than Bachelor #4!"

I was 22 in 1969, when I got drafted into the Army. I had gotten married a month before I got my draft notice.

I had met her at a college party and went up to visit a couple times. She lived about an hour away -- I was in Chicago studying art, and she was in Milwaukee.

We lived together for a month before we did one of those classic get-married-in-the-park things. We were hippies.

Then I got drafted, and we had to move to Colorado, where I went to basic training. We got a house there.

She was against the war adamantly, and she wanted me to go to Canada. I wouldn't do it. My dad served in World War II and Korea, and my brother served in-country during Korea.

One day I came home, and she was gone. Neighbors said she left with a couple of long-haired guys. She called me a couple days later from Lake Tahoe and said it was over unless I went AWOL.

I told her 'no way.' I believe in the price of freedom, and I had very strong convictions about that.

So it was over. We had been married almost six months.

It was pretty upsetting on the heart part. I didn't see it coming. I didn't know her political convictions were that strong and that our relationship was that weak, because she had wanted to get married so bad.

But I had a lot of support from a lot of new buddies and my family and shook it off pretty quick.

Of course, I went out that night with five of my guys and got really drunk.

Then I got some friends to move in with me.

I had to go on with my life. Time heals everything.

The uplifting part of this is, on my first job out of the service in 1971, I met my second wife, Kathy, and we've been happily married now going on 34 years.

She is the love of my life and my true soul mate.

-- John Morse, 57, of South Bend

I was dating a man, Randy, who I really liked and who I thought really liked me. My birthday is the day after Valentine's Day, so he planned on taking me out and we went to a really nice restaurant. He brought me a present and everything. And then afterwards he said, "We're not going to see each other any more. That's it."

I said, "Are you serious? I've never been dumped by someone after they'd taken me to dinner and given me a birthday present."

He said he was serious and kissed me goodbye. He said, "I can't handle seeing someone right now and we're breaking up." He'd just gone through a really bad relationship.

I was devastated.

He'd be gone a week or more, and then he came back. Then he'd break up, come back, break up, come back. This happened for about a year and a half.

I stuck it out because I had something in my heart, something in my history through my church, that just made me believe that we were meant to be.

Finally, I was going into the Air Force. He took me to the base in Kokomo to meet my taxi to basic training and then to technical school. When I was leaving, he said he just wanted to be friends and asked me if he could write me a postcard while I was gone.

I told him he couldn't send me anything less than a one-page letter. It turned out he never wrote less than eight-page letters every week when I was gone for three months.

And two weeks after I left, he wrote and asked me to marry him. He said he didn't realize what he had until I was gone.

-- Wanda Schmidt, 48, and her husband, Randy, 46, of Sawyer will celebrate their 22nd anniversary June 25.

Staff writer Christine Cox:


TOPICS: Culture/Society; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: love; valentinesday
love stinks
1 posted on 02/08/2005 6:53:56 PM PST by rface
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To: rface

tell me about it.


2 posted on 02/08/2005 6:55:11 PM PST by Perdogg (Rumsfeld for President - 2008)
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something different:

Just in time for Valentine's Day, I give you redneckandsingle.com

In the name of science, I decided to take a jog through the site to figure out what sort of things a redneck would be searching for in a significant other. Turns out rednecks are pretty much like the rest of us until it comes time to list their hobbies and tastes, which run the gamut from raisin' critters to raisin' crops to fixin' stuff.

For sport, those who will employ this site can choose favorites from the following: fishin', four-wheelin', muddin' and shootin' pool. And after a long day partaking of these activities, your potential redneck mate likes to dine on fried catfish, biscuits `n' gravy or meat `n' taters........

3 posted on 02/08/2005 7:01:25 PM PST by rface ("...the most schizoid freeper I've ever seen")
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To: rface

I used to think I knew what true love was,
then I got a Blue Heeler.


4 posted on 02/08/2005 7:04:42 PM PST by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: rface; Perdogg
"Unforgettable"
5 posted on 02/08/2005 7:04:44 PM PST by mdittmar (May God watch over those who serve to keep us free)
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To: rface; Lazamataz

eHARMONY? MORE LIKE TONE DEAF.

6 posted on 02/08/2005 7:06:15 PM PST by martin_fierro (Fierro-san)
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To: martin_fierro

2 years ago I met my girlfriend on Match.com.. We are to be wed on Aug 6,2005.


7 posted on 02/08/2005 7:19:54 PM PST by scab4faa (Holy crap! I didn't sign on for this!)
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To: rface

Too right it stinks.


8 posted on 02/08/2005 7:21:27 PM PST by Utilizer
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To: rface
My ex has appeared on an eHarmony television ad during the last few weeks. It is really unnerving. Divorced over 5 years ago, and he is admitting on national television that he still can't maintain a relationship. I would LOVE to read the junk he put in his profile. Buyer beware.....
9 posted on 02/08/2005 7:29:53 PM PST by myprecious
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To: myprecious
Ha!

Sorry,couldn't resist.

10 posted on 02/08/2005 7:34:27 PM PST by mdittmar (May God watch over those who serve to keep us free)
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To: rface

11 posted on 02/08/2005 7:37:20 PM PST by Rakkasan1 (no government program is ever a failure-it's just 'underfunded'...)
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To: rface
Valentine's Day is a poor excuse to pick a man's pockets every February 14th. Humbug I say.
12 posted on 02/08/2005 7:40:14 PM PST by CzarNicky (The problem with bad ideas is that they seemed like good ideas at the time.)
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To: mdittmar
LOL. No,it wasn't like that at all. I have built a meaningful marriage and life since then, but he is still full of the same stuff.

It was just a shock for my kids who saw it first and TIVO'd it. He was their stepdad for 4 years and then just left. Probably didn't mention that in his profile....

13 posted on 02/08/2005 7:44:30 PM PST by myprecious
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To: scab4faa

wow! that picture of your girlfriend (on your profile page) is nice. You're marrying Anna Kournikova?


14 posted on 02/08/2005 7:46:26 PM PST by rface ("...the most schizoid freeper I've ever seen")
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To: CzarNicky
Does Freep have a personal??
15 posted on 02/08/2005 7:49:38 PM PST by Perdogg (Rumsfeld for President - 2008)
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To: rface

Damn my secret is out!


16 posted on 02/08/2005 7:53:21 PM PST by scab4faa (Holy crap! I didn't sign on for this!)
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To: rface

Timing is everything: When you're both desparate, you'll get engaged.


17 posted on 02/08/2005 7:53:40 PM PST by popdonnelly
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To: myprecious
I gotta agree with rface, love stinks.
18 posted on 02/08/2005 7:57:02 PM PST by mdittmar (May God watch over those who serve to keep us free)
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To: rface

I refer to this as "practicing for divorce."


19 posted on 02/08/2005 8:00:12 PM PST by savedbygrace ("No Monday morning quarterback has never led a team to victory" GW Bush)
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To: rface

NO S**T!


20 posted on 02/08/2005 8:04:27 PM PST by az wildkitten
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To: mdittmar

sure, give me a big glass of whiskey and some Willie Nelson and I'll sing along.


21 posted on 02/08/2005 8:05:24 PM PST by rface ("...the most schizoid freeper I've ever seen")
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Comment #22 Removed by Moderator

To: rface

23 posted on 02/08/2005 8:08:39 PM PST by Libertarian444
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To: mdittmar
Thank you. Your selection caught me by surprize and yet brought me peace over this.

Love doesn't stink. Dating stinks. Fake relationships stink. Real love is a warm, beautiful, and comforting fragrance that fills a home and lingers. I pray you are able to find it. Good night.

24 posted on 02/08/2005 8:08:40 PM PST by myprecious
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To: rface

maybe his fiancee put a pic of Annak on her Match.com page


25 posted on 02/08/2005 8:25:13 PM PST by BurbankKarl
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To: myprecious

I agree. My first boyfriend was abusive, but somewhere along the line, you can choose to cling to your past and dwell in cynicism and self-despair, or you can give your burdens to to God and move on with life. Love really exists out there...


26 posted on 02/08/2005 8:34:17 PM PST by Nataku X (Food for Thought: http://web2.airmail.net/scsr/)
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To: martin_fierro

eHarmony sucks. That guy in the commercials is creepy, too.


27 posted on 02/08/2005 8:35:53 PM PST by Petronski (Lately I haven't been all that cranky. I'll tell you about it someday.)
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To: rface

Whiskey river take my mind!


heh heh heh


28 posted on 02/08/2005 8:37:11 PM PST by Petronski (Lately I haven't been all that cranky. I'll tell you about it someday.)
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To: rface
...thought we could remain friends...yeah, right.....
29 posted on 02/08/2005 8:44:46 PM PST by Intolerant in NJ
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To: scab4faa
I wrote a Match.com profile for my brother a few years ago, containing all the things I thought another woman would like to hear and know about. He met his girlfriend on Match.com shortly afterward--the most wonderful woman, I can't say which of them deserves this joy more. They will be married on June 25, 2005.

Now if I can just figure out how to do this for myself--!

30 posted on 02/08/2005 9:13:00 PM PST by Capriole (the Luddite hypocritically clicking away on her computer)
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To: rface

Nice of you to post this.


31 posted on 02/09/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by SavageRepublican (waiting around for the other shoe to drop...)
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To: rface
I am very sorry to say that the practicing part is over. It is truely a heartwrentching ordeal

Abandoning the sweetest wife anyone could have after TEN years just because you want to sow your wild oats with another woman is WRONG!!!!

You promised "in sickness and in health", "'til death do us part", "forsaking all others"

What happened to all of that?

And you're always posting about "the sanctity of marriage". What a hypocrite!!!!!!

32 posted on 02/09/2005 8:41:54 AM PST by SavageRepublican (waiting around for the other shoe to drop...)
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