Military spouses bear burden DEAR ABBY

Houston Chronicle/Universal Press Syndicate ^ | Feb. 26, 2005

[bayourod]

Dear Abby:

Q: I am writing to tell you about some of the bravest, strongest, most resilient people I know — military spouses. So often people write you about problems, troubles or issues. Perhaps my letter will bring a smile to someone's face.

I am in the Army, currently deployed in Iraq. Here, all I have to worry about are my soldiers and myself. They are great guys who make it easy for me, since they all act maturely and professionally.

While I am here, my wife is back home worrying about me. She does all the chores around the house, cooks, takes care of our three sons, helps them with homework, holds down a full-time job and still finds time to keep our children enrolled in whatever extra activities they can do. She is now filling the roles of both mother and father.

I'm not saying my wife walks on water — although she swims well — but a lot of people send messages over here to the soldiers saying, "Thank you for your service." I personally think the unsung heroes are the ones who fill the shoes of the soldiers when they are deployed.

I just want your readers to know that soldiers have people we look up to, too, and who we think are true American heroes.

LOVING SOLDIER in Iraq

Dear Soldier:

A: I'm printing your love letter because I know you speak for many of those serving their country far from home. I agree that it takes a special kind of person to be a military spouse, someone with strength, courage and self-reliance. Military spouses are, indeed, unsung heroes. Thank you for pointing it out.

[bayourod]

The value of good military wives is not lost on the military. A soldier should not have to worry about how his family is doing back home. They are as deserving of our support as the soldiers themselves.

[mcg1969]

Back when that helicopter went down Hugh Hewitt related the experiences of a San Diego wife whose husband wasn't (to her relief) on the copter. She and her friend cried for her fellow soldier's wives, imagining what they must be facing. Bottom line, the wives don't only support their husbands, and their families, but each other as well.

[Dubya]

The value of good military wives is not lost on the military. A soldier should not have to worry about how his family is doing back home. They are as deserving of our support as the soldiers themselves.

Very good post.

[68skylark]

Thanks for the post.

We may be at this war a long time -- years or decades.

I think it goes best when we realize we're all on the same team -- the military, military families, and U.S. citizens young and old.

Some of the heaviest burdens fall to those who aren't in a "combat zone." I'm thinking of military families, family readiness volunteers, military medical personnel, the folks who do casualty notification, etc. There are some people who take on very tough roles. They really deserve our respect.

[Capriole]

She does all the chores around the house, cooks, takes care of our three sons, helps them with homework, holds down a full-time job and still finds time to keep our children enrolled in whatever extra activities they can do. She is now filling the roles of both mother and father.

I respect some military wives, especially those who have stuck with their husbands for 20 years of service. But I would like, with delicacy, to point out that millions upon millions of women are doing what this woman does. We are widowed or unwillingly divorced mothers who also do all the major home repairs, housework, yard work, cooking, errand-running, teaching, child care, and money-earning, without being able to count on a military spouse's income to help ease the burden. And we are not waiting for a husband to come home--our husbands are never coming home. I have been doing a hundred percent of everything for ten years and sometimes I get a little exasperated when some local military wife says, "Oh, Charlie has been gone for six whole months and the burden of having to do everything by myself for this long is just more than a human being can endure!"

[Iowa Granny]

I think you have delicately stated something some of us have overlooked.

I had no idea I was being insensitive to the plight of single mothers when I praised some of the local women who's spouses are deployed. Thank you for pointing it out. Hereafter, I will acknowledge what any single parent must face, not just the spouse of someone deployed.

Thank you for stating your case elequently, without whining.

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your accomplishments before someone else comes in and starts throwing flames.

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

ping

[misty4jc]

I think you sound bitter. When my girlfriend's husbands are going away for a few days or for a week long business trip, I don't try to invalidate their feelings by saying crap like that. You weren't being delicate, you were being insensitive.

Let's not play the "who has it worse" game...it's childish. I don't see this article as having a "military wives are better than civilian wives" tone to it, or that military wives do more.

Suck it up. We do.

[speekinout]

Yes, we all have burdens to bear. But most of us have a special place in our hearts for the military families that sacrifice to keep the rest of us safe. It's not untoward to recognize that the spouses and children sacrifice as well as the military do.

I'm willing to give you some cheese to go along with that whine, but it doesn't sound like you have given me any security like the military and their families have.

[Capriole]

Suck it up. We do.

Some do. Some don't, and whine incessantly about how tough it is to be alone for a few months. The ones I have real sympathy for are the widows of military men, or the wives whose husbands are seriously wounded. I'd break my back to help those women. But I don't like whiners or grandstanders, civilian or military. And that does not convict me of bitterness.

[aaronbeth]

You are right. Widowed/divorced women and single moms take care of their families 100%. Differences for a military wife: Your husband and father of your children could be (easily)killed, and you'd never get the chance to say good-bye. But, that is eased by the fact that your military spouse is serving their country by choice, and proud to do so. Also, we usually don't choose where we are stationed, so often military spouses have to take care of a family miles and miles from extended family. If your car breaks down you can't call your sister for a ride. If your child is sick in the middle of the night and you are brand new to a community, or perhaps your trusted friend has moved due to her husband's orders, you must handle it on your own...no "lifelines" sometimes. Not complaining, just saying.

[PERKY2004]

I am proud to be the wife of a career military officer, now serving in his 21st year of service. My husband is a wonderful man of God and I am so blessed to be married to him.

God Bless America!

[getmeouttaPalmBeachCounty_FL]

Beth Raebeck-Hall
George McCorckle
Amy-Jayne McCabe

http://www.amyjayne.com/music/rockcbl.ram

The Rock

By the dawns early light my baby’s far away
Still the kids and I will start another missing him day
Only destiny knows when he’ll return
We’ll be here for him keeping the fires burning

I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock

As my day unfolds, I reach into my soul
Though I’m proud of him
I need some peace of mind to hold
And when I think about the the sacrifices he makes
I’ll do what I can do whatever it takes

I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock

It will be ok and I will not stumble,
Our love is so strong Our world will not crumble

I am the Rock, a foundation of love
Solid and true with strength from above
I keep this family going, I stand beside my man
I live without knowing
I am the Rock

Yes, I live without knowing
But I am the Rock

[bayourod]

"I am proud to be the wife of a career military officer, now serving in his 21st year of service. "

Your service is appreciated.

[getmeouttaPalmBeachCounty_FL]

Hi there, from one wife to another!

Have you heard this song?

http://www.militarywives.com/baby_come_home

Get out the tissues first...

:)

[bayourod]

Military wives find it difficult to have a career outside the home because many are transferred every two to four years, often to remote areas where it's a full time job just to try to make life more tolerable without the usual amenities that we take for granted.

[Capriole]

...often military spouses have to take care of a family miles and miles from extended family. If your car breaks down you can't call your sister for a ride. If your child is sick in the middle of the night and you are brand new to a community, or perhaps your trusted friend has moved due to her husband's orders, you must handle it on your own...no "lifelines" sometimes.

I know what you're talking about: I'm a thousand miles from my only surviving relative too, so when something bad happens I have some difficult moments as well. It isn't easy, is it?

The ones I feel for are the young wives of reservists who got unexpectedly called up. Some of these girls are suffering real economic hardship and are losing their homes, putting their babies in daycare to be raised by strangers, and generally having a bad time. If the reservist husband is wounded or killed, my heart breaks for them even more. They have my prayers and full support.

Upon further reflection, I think the trouble is that I've gotten a bad taste in my mouth from some local drama queens whose husbands are Navy physicians doing research at NIH and Navy Med. The hubbies got deployed to hospitals in Kuwait and Germany where they are clean, well-fed, air-conditioned, and in no danger, the wives are continuing to collect their six-figure incomes, and they all have family close at hand to help out--but they're screaming, gnashing their teeth, and acting like martyrs as though they were the impoverished widows of Medal of Honor winners. They spit a lot of venom at President Bush for inconveniencing them in this way. Please. I know it's tough to miss a beloved spouse, for I certainly wept over mine, but the histrionics here would not shame Bette Davis. Don't you agree that the wives who really do make a sacrifice usually act with quiet dignity and courage?

[SandRat]

The military wife is a whole different creature to behold. There's a reason why Army wives are formally recognized (each service does it a little differently) with a Certificate of Appreciation signed by Sec. Army at the service member's retirement.