Q. Please explain how to diagram a sentence.
A. First spread the sentence out on a clean, flat surface, such as an ironing board. Then, using a sharp pencil or X-Acto knife, locate the "predicate," which indicates where the action has taken place and is usually located directly behind the gills. For example, in the sentence: "LaMont never would of bit a forest ranger," the action probably took place in a forest. Thus your diagram would be shaped like a little tree with branches sticking out of it to indicate the locations of the various particles of speech, such as your gerunds, proverbs, adjutants, etc.
Q. Please explain the correct usage of the word "neither."
A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."
Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon?"
A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons."
Q. Please tell me which is correct: ``Bud, you should never of fed them taffies to the dog,'' or ``Bud, you never should of fed them taffies to the dog.''
A. According to Strunk & White, it depends on the context.
Q. The context was a brand-new Barcalounger.
A. Whoa.
Q. What is the purpose of the semicolon? A. It can be used to either (1) separate two independent clauses, or (2) indicate an insect attack.
EXAMPLES:
(1) ``Well, I'm a clause that certainly doesn't need any help!''; ``Me either!''
(2) ``Be careful not to bump into that ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; AIEEEEEEE!''
Q. In the song ``The Joker,'' what is the mystery word that Steve Miller sings in the following verse: "Some people call me the space cowboy Some people call me the gangster of love Some people call me Maurice 'cause I speak of the (SOMETHING) of love.''
A. According to the Broward County Public Library, the word is "pompatus.''
Q. What does "pompatus'' mean?
A. Nothing. Steve made it up. That's why some people call him ``the space cowboy.''
Q. How come we say "tuna fish''? I mean, tuna IS a kind of fish, right? We don't say "tomato vegetable'' or "milk dairy product'' or "beef meat,'' do we? And how come we call it "beef''? How come we don't say, "I'll have a piece of cow, rare''? And how come we say "rare''? And how come the waiter always says, "DID you want some dessert,'' instead of, "DO you want some dessert?'' Does he mean, "DID you want some dessert, before you found those hairs in your lasagna?'' And how come everybody says "sher-BERT,'' when the word is "sher- BET''? And how come broadcast news reporters end their reports by saying, "This is Edward M. Stuntgoat, reporting.'' What ELSE would we think he's doing? Hemorrhaging? And how come some people call Steve Miller "Maurice''?
A. Those particular people call EVERYBODY "Maurice.''
Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase ``all things being equal.''
A. It is used to make sentences longer.
WRONG: ``Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''
RIGHT: ``All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''
Q. Is there any difference between ``happen'' and ``transpire''? A. Grammatically, ``happen'' is a collaborating inductive that should be used in predatory conjunctions such as: ``Me and Norm here would like to buy you two happening mommas a drink.'' Whereas ``transpire'' is a suppository verb that should always be used to indicate that an event of some kind has transpired.
WRONG: ``Lester got one of them electric worm stunners.''
RIGHT: ``What transpired was, Lester got one of them electric worm stunners.''
Q. Please explain the expression: ``This does not bode well.''
A. It means that something is not boding the way it should. It could be boding better.
Q. Like most people, I would like to use the words ''parameters'' and ''behoove'' in the same sentence, but I am not sure how.
A. According to the Oxford English Cambridge Dictionary Of Big Words, the proper usage is: ''Darlene, it frankly does not behoove a woman of your parameters to wear them stretch pants.''
WRITING TIP FOR PROFESSIONALS: To make your writing more appealing to the reader, avoid ``writing negatively.'' Use positive expressions instead.
WRONG: ``Do not use this appliance in the bathtub.''
RIGHT: ``Go ahead and use this appliance in the bathtub.''
TODAY'S BUSINESS WRITING TIP: In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive:
WRONG: "I sincerely believe that it is to your advantage to accept this proposal."
RIGHT: "I have photographs of you naked with a squirrel."
GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? That is not our problem.
A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."
OMG, B, I think I just tinked a tad.
And I'm certainly not going to ask Ski or Fierce. ;-)