Posted on 05/16/2005 1:18:49 PM PDT by Destro
Zero Stars For Star Wars VI
May 16, 2005
This column was written by John Podhoretz.
The final Star Wars is, as writer-director George Lucas promised, a tragedy -- but it's not the tragedy Lucas thinks it is.
Ever since he began making his second set of Star Wars movies a decade ago, Lucas said that Episode III: Revenge of the Sith would be the unvarnished story of the young knight Anakin Skywalker's degeneration and conversion into the black-helmeted, black-outfitted Darth Vader, the villain of the first three films. The tale of woe it really tells is that of George Lucas himself, the final chapter in the sad degeneration of a vital, vivid, and highly amusing moviemaker into a dull, solipsistic, and humorless incompetent.
Lucas had more than a quarter of a century to figure out why Anakin Skywalker went bad. And here's what he came up with: Anakin is afraid of losing his wife Padmé in childbirth. Padmé tries to reassure him: "I promise you I won't die in childbirth," she says, offering a touching expression of her faith in the range of health-care services that were available a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. That over-deliberate line of dialogue is typical of Revenge of the Sith, which joins its immediate predecessor Attack of the Clones on a very short list of films that deserve to compete for the Worst Script Ever Written.
"Hold me, Anakin!" Padmé tells her husband. "Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo!"
No performer living or dead could pronounce the word "Naboo" without sounding like a moron, and Lucas matches that authorial infelicity with dozens of others. One of the movie's villains is named "Dooku," and it's a pity that Lucas didn't arrange for Dooku to visit Naboo, because that could have generated a truly memorable piece of dialogue, like "You should never have come to Naboo, Dooku!"
Later in the film, Vader's mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Padmé that her hubby has murdered some children: "He killed younglings at the Jedi temple!" She storms off and confronts him: "Obi-Wan says you killed younglings!"
Padmé's anger and shock seem a mite surprising, since in Attack of the Clones her then-boyfriend Anakin had told her about another occasion on which he had killed some kids. This is spoken in a soliloquy that suggests what Macbeth might have been like if it had been written by George Lucas: "I killed them! I killed them all! They're dead, every single one of them! And not just the men, but the women and the children, too!! I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!"
But I digress, because that speech isn't in the film under review -- and there are plenty of other hilarious examples of bad writing on display in Revenge of the Sith.
For example: Obi-Wan uncovers the killing of the younglings by checking out some hidden video at the Jedi Temple. The wise old creature Yoda, who may be the most intelligent person in the universe, but seems to have learned English by reading old Time magazines, warns him: "Obi-Wan, watch the surveillance tapes you should not!"
Yoda has just returned from a diplomatic mission to a planet inhabited by bipedal gorillas because, as he explains in the rounded tones of an opponent of the John Bolton nomination, "Good relations with the Wookiees I have." Later, a defeated Yoda sighs: "Into exile I must go." You half-expect him to be followed by six other dwarves chanting, "Hi ho, hi ho / Into exile we will go . . . "
Anakin is invited to attend the theater as a guest of the president of the republic (a scene that allows Lucas to let us know that the favored form of entertainment in the highly advanced Star Wars galaxy is a Cirque du Soleil show performed inside a blob of translucent Jell-O). The president tells him about the Dark Side of the Force, and how it can be used to bring people back from the dead. Anakin decides he wants in. To which the only possible response is: That's it? The entire universe is thrown out of balance and evil defeats good all because one petulant and whiny guy doesn't want Natalie Portman to buy the farm?
"Dialogue is not my thing," Lucas has said. "I don't like writing, and I don't like scripts." But there is a whole lot more to a script than just the dialogue. There are also small matters such as plot, motivation, and character development. How is it possible that Lucas could have satisfied himself with the notion that the destruction of the galactic democracy and the triumph of evil over good could all have sprung from a single lousy pregnancy? Granted, Mrs. Darth Vader wears some very fetching beaded outfits -- plus, she's a senator just like Hillary Clinton, only decades younger and way better looking. Even so, this is astoundingly thin gruel on which to hang six movies made over a period of 28 years.
Back in 1977, we were told in the original Star Wars that Darth Vader "was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force" -- that Vader had become a villain because he had been consumed by a lust for power, so that he could boss people around, blow up planets, and, generally speaking, control the universe. Like all great villains, the Darth Vader we saw in the first Star Wars actually loved being a bad guy. He enjoyed being able to choke annoying underlings by pinching his thumb and forefinger together. He relished his swordfight with his old mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. He didn't even mind slicing his own son's hand off (in the second film) just to prove a point.
But the Darth Vader we see at the end of Revenge of the Sith hasn't been seduced. He's been tricked. He's not a villain. He's a schmuck.
And what of George Lucas? He is, by leagues, the most commercially successful moviemaker in history. Forget the billion-plus dollars he has earned from the Star Wars movies. Industrial Light & Magic, the special-effects firm he began with his Star Wars profits, grosses $1 billion per year.
But what happened to the director who made the thrilling mood piece American Graffiti, that deceptively casual account of a bunch of teenagers in a California town in 1962 hanging out on the last summer night before the school year begins? What happened to the guy who revolutionized science fiction by making an outer-space adventure that managed to be cheerful, exciting, and lighthearted?
The tragedy of George Lucas is that he made billions of dollars, and all it did was turn him into a drag.
John Podhoretz is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard.
I'd have to agree. Some of the stuff Luke says in Episode IV are just embarrasing. "But I wanted to go the academy this season!"
I sure wouldn't call my wookie a "fuzzball" either. Might make him go Ewok on me.
Just got back from a midnight show.
Episode 3 is pretty darn good. Fast, lots of action. Story flows but is not very strong in parts.
I'm just taking it as entertainment, all politics aside from the movie stuff is just that, politics.
This one is redemption for Lucas for serving up bantha poodoo in the first two prequels.
Probably not. We just saw it, and I have a 9yob who is a huge fan of the other five... but I am very hesitant, and my wife adamantly opposed, to Josiah seeing it. To sum it up in two words, "Too dark." And a pair of pretty gruesome scenes ice the cake.
BTW... haven't seen ANY of them? Under what rock do you live?!
Dan
We are watching them right now. LOL I was just never interested in seeing them and the way my children were spaced I've never had to get into it.
Unfortunately my 9 year old is pumped over this new release so my journey begins. ;-)
So far we've watched 3 of them and I don't see that I missed anything for not seeing them all these years.
I can't imagine star wars is darker than LOTR and my son loved those and could handle them. Besides I don't think I'd be able to get away with NOT letting him see this since lots of his friends are going. Thanks for the input.
You're very welcome, and it is totally your decision, of course -- but I've let my 9yo and 5yo see the LOTR movies, yet we still do fast-forward some scenes in 2 and 3.
This is different. There are a couple of visuals that are disturbing, but there are also some very dark plot developments that are not at all "over their heads," and that might connect hurtfully with a child.
My strongest advice to you, offered precisely for what it's worth, is that you see it first. A friend from church went with his daughter, and said he regretted it, wished he'd previewed. I've never yet regretted being cautious. It's a very righteous PG-13.
Dan
Thanks, I will probably preview it then. I just figured if he could handle LOTR which was very dark and violent then he could handle anything. lol
I understand Lucas didn't want to write a kid's movie.. but in the process of being an "artist"- he lost his way. Perhaps he never understood the attraction we all had to the characters,the fun,the campyness and the plain old Good vrs. Evil STORYLINE in the first place.
Too bad.
It goes to show that the cast and crew and set designers and all the other hundreds of people who worked on the originals were the real stars!
I spoke with him at length about what was going to happen in the movie with the violence and I told him his eyes were going to be covered at the part I didn't want him to see and he had no choice about it.
He agreed.
It may sound super silly- but that is how I rationalized letting him go. Beside I wanted him to be able to see one StarWars on the Big screen.
He was fine.
He was disappointed in the movie- but he came out of it unharmed. (and he is pretty sensitive to begin with- he is a cries when cartoon dogs get killed kinda guy)
Ooops... wrong galaxy.
-PJ
Ping for later
I saw the movie - it was not bad. Lucas is a brilliant man behind the camera. This last chapter did kind of tie up some ends which made me go - 'oh, I see now' - but I do think the reason Aniken chose to be Darth was a little forced and thin. It was rushed. We needed the forst two movies to show a long decline of Aniken to Darth to make it work well in the third.
It is a great movie. Is Lucas going to give all the proceeds to the GOP? so what?
May the Force be with you all.
*clap*clap*clap*!
We think alike. And there are more like us.
Isn't it a shame? It didn't have to be this way.
Ah well- SW is part of the culture now, and people like us
remember when it was the myth we needed it to be.
I saw the movie - I gave it 3 out of 4 stars.
and families could go- single people could go on dates, friends could go together and we all went to be awe inspired by ships on strings. IT was campy and silly and Darth Vador scared the pants off me! And as my 7 year old chases his younger brother in his Darth Vador Mask, to this day I am a bit frightened of seeing Darth Vador.
Technological advances do not replace Han Solo and his goofy, charming character or the youth and innocence of Luke Sywalker believing Vador was still good deep down inside..None of the current characters displayed any of those themes that I could see.
So it seems that Lucas switched mid stream-and plenty of people will still love this one. A new type of Star Wars is his choice-and the movie will be successful no matter what I say,but I wouldn't say that Lucas is brilliant. The ends could have been tied up better and we could have still walked away loving Starwars.
I wouldn't say Lucas is brilliant at all.. he is cashing in on the original three and everyone who was a part of those movies,IMO.
Of course I need to add that I am not a big fan of hollywood to begin with and I see about two movies a year in the theater. But it is what it is.
I certainly do not want my comments here to take enjoyment away from anyone-but I do want to warn people to be prepared. Getting geeked about seeing a good "old fashioned" Star wars and coming home thinking I would have rather done the laundry -stinks.
There was politics - but the first 3 movies had black and white hat politics so it seems that there was not. In the last 3 politics are grey so you notice it.
Definitely a botched job. Vader was supposed to be intelligent . . . a master engineer. He designed the TIE fighter. Did you ever get any sense that this was the case? The only inkling you had of it was when he was a little kid on Tatooine. They pretty much abandoned that whole aspect of his persona.
I was hoping to see a character who was truly power mad and truly evil. What I got was a punk who was pissed because he didn't get his way. His whole conversion to the dark side was pathetic and weak.
I was very disappointed.
"No performer living or dead could pronounce the word "Naboo" without sounding like a moron"
Interestingly enough, "Naboo" in Burmese means, loosely, "Perv" or "horndog"
"What I got was a punk who was pissed because he didn't get his way"
Lucas really did bring this trilogy down to teenage-level emotional content.
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