"Clerks"
RANDAL
You know what I just watched?
DANTE
Me pulling a can off some moron's
fist.
RANDAL
Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
Didn't you hear me? Caitlin really
is getting married.
RANDAL
Which did you like better: Jedi or
The Empire Strikes Back.
DANTE
(exasperated)
Empire.
RANDAL
Blasphemy.
DANTE
Empire had the better ending: Luke
gets his hand cut off, and finds out
Vader's his father; Han gets frozen
and taken away by Boba Fett. It
ends on such a down note. And that's
life-a series of down endings. All
Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
RANDAL
There was something else going on in
Jedi. I never noticed it until today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE
What's that?
RANDAL
All right, Vader's boss...
DANTE
The Emperor.
RANDAL
Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE
How do you mean?
RANDAL
Well, he's like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He's a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.
DANTE
I guess.
RANDAL
Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
The Imperial government is under his
control. And the entire galaxy is
under Imperial rule.
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Then wouldn't that logically mean
that it's a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to reason that
the government is therefore one based
on religion.
DANTE
It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebel forces were
therefore battling religious
persecution.
DANTE
More or less.
RANDAL
The only problem is that at no point
in the series did I ever hear Leia
or any of the rebels declare a
particular religious belief.
DANTE
I think they were Catholics.
A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Are you open?
DANTE
Yeah. Come in.
He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.
RANDAL
You know what else I noticed in Jedi?
DANTE
There's more?
RANDAL
So they build another Death Star,
right?
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Now the first one they built was
completed and fully operational before
the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it's due.
RANDAL
And the second one was still being
built when they blew it up.
DANTE
Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
RANDAL
Something just never sat right with
me the second time they destroyed
it. I could never put my finger on
it-something just wasn't right.
DANTE
And you figured it out?
RANDAL
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial army-
storm troopers, dignitaries-the only
people onboard were Imperials.
DANTE
Basically.
RANDAL
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.
DANTE
And the second time around...?
RANDAL
The second time around, it wasn't
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.
DANTE
So?
RANDAL
A construction job of that magnitude
would require a helluva lot more
manpower than the Imperial army had
to offer. I'll bet there were
independent contractors working on
that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders,
roofers.
DANTE
Not just Imperials, is what you're
getting at.
RANDAL
Exactly. In order to get it built
quickly and quietly they'd hire
anybody who could do the job. Do you
think the average storm trooper knows
how to install a toilet main? All
they know is killing and white
uniforms.
DANTE
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the Death
Star, why are you uneasy with its
destruction?
RANDAL
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had nothing
to do with.
(notices Dante's
confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer, and
some juicy government contract comes
your way; you got the wife and kids
and the two-story in suburbia-this
is a government contract, which means
all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden
these left-wing militants blast you
with lasers and wipe out everyone
within a three-mile radius. You
didn't ask for that. You have no
personal politics. You're just trying
to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt,
but what were you talking about?
RANDAL
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a
roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business
card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.
RANDAL
Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a job
up in the hills. A beautiful house
with tons of property. It was a simple
reshingling job, but I was told that
if it was finished within a day, my
price would be doubled. Then I
realized whose house it was.
DANTE
Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL
"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed the
job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE
Based on personal politics.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Foresci
family put a hit on Babyface's house.
My friend was shot and killed. He
wasn't even finished shingling.
RANDAL
No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens to
this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.
LOL! I'll have to rent Clerks to watch that.
However, major defense projects like that will likely use local labor. The Empire must have been orbiting Endor for some reason. Why? They were using Ewoks for the contracting jobs - Ewok electricians, Ewok plumbers, Ewok zero-gravity welders. Thus only Ewoks were killed, and they were so annoying that I really don't mind. Further research shows that Ewoks were likely nearly wiped out as a species in the few months following Return of the Jedi.
See Endor Holocaust for an explanation.
I hit "view replies" because I KNEW somebody would post that. Well done!
Interesting concept..
Recommend your liberal friends to any dangerous jobs.
I hear ya...