Posted on 06/17/2005 2:24:33 PM PDT by catonsville
From The Desk of Senator Dick
An ongoing series featuring the correspondence of Senator Richard Durbin (D-IL), America's most dynamic metaphorist
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Mr. Hector Gutierrez Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping Arlington, VA
Dear Mr. Gutierrez:
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.
Sincerely,
Senator Richard J. Durbin Washington, DC
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Customer Relations Department United Airlines Elk Grove Village, IL
Dear Sir or Madam:
In the dark annals of human evil, history has recorded the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocides, and Stalin's mass starvation program. And now, United Airlines flight 671 from Reagan International to Chicago O'Hare on June 3rd, 2005. I know, because I am a survivor of that dark exemplar of man's cruelty to man.
Perhaps I should have known what I was in for when your brusque gate agent refused to issue an upgrade to me for the flight (despite being a Premier/1K member for over 10 years), or when your flight crew Gestapo confiscated my carry on Roll Tote (even though I had nearly fit it into the overhead bin). But the true measure of the horror did not dawn on me until me and my fellow passengers were left taxiing on the O'Hare tarmack for over twenty minutes in the Auschwitzian Airbus A320 cattlecar, in temperatures approaching 85 degrees, not knowing our fates or whether we would make it to our fundraising dinners.
Santayana once said, "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." And I say to you and your fellow United criminals: "never again," unless you credit my account at least 2 flight segments for this travesty.
Sincerely,
Senator Richard J. Durbin Washington, DC
cc: Human Rights Watch cc: Amnesty International
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Ms. He-Sook Park AAA Georgetown Drycleaning Washington, DC
Dear Ms. Park:
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:
First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown My staff aide did not speak out Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable
When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon My staff aide did not speak out Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"
And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts there was no one left to speak out to Because your counter attendant did not speak English
I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Senator Richard J. Durbin Washington, DC
P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat
I'm real glad Durbin didn't see the couple of drops of gasoline I dripped pumping gas yesterday.
< Dick Durbin>
It's another Holocaust !
< /Dick>
Link to contact your senator
ABC CBS NBC CNN its all the SAME, Propaganda.
Might as well call them all AmeriJazerra.
Show them how much Gravitas Hugh Bris has. Vote with your remote! Shut down the Alphabet channels.
He's Got A Plan
Zippo Hero
Seven Dead Monkeys Page O Tunes
Don't be a know nothing do nothing dumbocrap! 
"Hitlery's legal stance on everything"
*Applause* !! Hilarious !!
ROFLMAO!
Thank you for this.
But you do owe me a new keyboard.
Rofltip! BTTT.
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