ANGLONEWS - Dateline 865 northern England.
Authorities around England vowed to limit reprisals against Viking hordes that have invaded the Emerald Islands. "We'll be handling the threat with intelligence and peace offerings," constable Arcadia Knobles said to ANGLONEWS reporters. He implored, "Just leave the law enforcement to us, please. Don't try to take the law into your own hands. Besides, we've seeded the countryside with informers, and you'll soon be ratted out if you start plotting anything!"
The announcements came on the heels of a wave of unauthorized night and foul-weather attacks on Viking villages and transportation routes.
Citizens were staying quiet, and few were willing to express their feelings on the record. "If we speak our minds, we'll just be put in stocks and given slop for the next three weeks until the tensions blow over," an anonymous interviewee complained. "The new religious and racial tolerance laws have us hamstrung," he went on. "We can't even complain about Viking rape and theft in outlying areas. I'd better leave it at that," he concluded.
In other news it was reported that Robin Hood had stolen several Viking ships and his men had been sailing them up and down the estuaries recruiting volunteers. He couldn't be reached for comment.
Great. Brilliant. Great.