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Army Teaches Troops How to Pick a Spouse
http://www.comcast.net/news/index.jsp?cat=GENERAL&fn=/2006/02/04/319128.html&cvqh=itn&ts=2006.02.04_ ^ | 2 4 06 | PAULINE JELINEK

Posted on 02/04/2006 5:41:48 AM PST by freepatriot32

WASHINGTON - They are the Pentagon's new "rules of engagement" _ the diamond ring kind. U.S. Army chaplains are trying to teach troops how to pick the right spouse, through a program called "How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."

The matchmaking advice comes as military family life is being stressed by two tough wars. Defense Department records show more than 56,000 in the Army _ active, National Guard and Reserve _ have divorced since the campaign in Afghanistan started in 2001.

Officials partly blame long and repeated deployments which started after the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and stretched the service thin.

Troops also are coming home with life-altering injuries.

Many come back better people, others worse-off _ but either way, very changed from who they were when they wed.

"Being in the military certainly raises the stakes when you choose a mate," said Lt. Col. Peter Frederich, head of family issues in the Pentagon's chaplain office.

The "no jerks" program is also called "P.I.C.K. a Partner," for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.

It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner's F.A.C.E.S. _ family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they'd bring to the union.

It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart _ the Relationship Attachment Model _ which basically says don't let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.

Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the "no jerk salute" for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.

Though the acronyms and salute make it sound like something the Pentagon would come up with, the program was created by former minister John Van Epp of Ohio, who has a doctorate in psychology and a private counseling practice. He teaches it to Army chaplains, who in turn teach it to troops.

It also is used by social service agencies, prisons, churches and other civilian groups.

Commanders once discouraged troops from starting a family while serving. Thus the old saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one."

Today, the military supports families more than any other employer, Frederich said.

The Bush administration proposes to spend $5.6 billion in the next budget year for quality-of-life services for troops and their families.

That includes help with child care, education, spouse job hunting, legal assistance, commissaries, relocation counseling _ programs on every family issue imaginable _ to promote stability, and thus troop readiness.

Such support notwithstanding, "not everybody is cut out" to marry into the military, said Army spokeswoman Martha Rudd.

Some 740,000 people _ or a little more than half of all troops in the active-duty armed forces _ are married. Of those, some 96,000 had spouses also in uniform in the 2004 budget year, according to Pentagon figures.

The Army hopes the "no jerks" program will help couples decide if they are ready for a long-term commitment and can cope with the unique stresses of military life.

"Settings like military bases are incubators," said Van Epp, of Medina, Ohio. "They try to hatch ... relationships extremely fast," leading to higher divorce rates and more domestic violence.

The program teaches troops not to cave in to the pressure of a ticking clock _ like rushing to marry before shipping out for a deployment, or too soon after homecoming.

Last month, Van Epp sent 200 program workbooks to troops in Iraq.

___

On the Net:

Family support programs: http://www.militaryonesource.com

P.I.C.K a Partner http://www.nojerks.com


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Government; News/Current Events; US: District of Columbia
KEYWORDS: a; anamericansoldier; army; fubar; how; notissuedwithseabag; pentagon; pick; spouse; teaches; to; troops; waronerror; washington
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To: freepatriot32
family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they'd bring to the union.

Good advice for anyone.

21 posted on 02/04/2006 6:42:58 AM PST by Freebird Forever (Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no vice.)
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To: 1rudeboy

Well, since no one else has said it yet, I will: it's better than "Fire in the hole!"

(This moment of poor taste brought to you by my five years of working on a Navy base.)


22 posted on 02/04/2006 6:50:22 AM PST by AirForceBrat23
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To: freepatriot32

My brother, being an officer in the Army, could not have picked a better wife than his wife Mindy. They were engaged the very weekend he received his commission. She is such an asset to him and to the military as she is a strong, fierce and well-organized American woman!


23 posted on 02/04/2006 6:55:22 AM PST by LoudRepublicangirl (loudrepublicangirl)
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To: freepatriot32
Image hosted by Photobucket.com get merried and leave for the service in the same week... biggest recipe for disaster i've ever seen, and i've seen it tooo many times.
24 posted on 02/04/2006 7:01:14 AM PST by Chode (American Hedonist ©®)
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To: WestVirginiaRebel
How do you tell when your husband has married a soldier?

When he makes the bed and folds his clothes better than you do.

Hmmm... don't ask don't tell.

25 posted on 02/04/2006 7:12:35 AM PST by ItsForTheChildren
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To: 1rudeboy

roger that...my practice wife (first wife) never understood why I would yell "lock and load" when I would get home after deployment...my current wife of 23 years "got it" early in our marriage- her response was always "wait out for equipment check..." go figure...


26 posted on 02/04/2006 7:46:02 AM PST by nicko (CW3 (ret.) CPT, you need to just unass the AO; I know what I'm doing- Major, you're on your own.)
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To: TXBSAFH

That's all I ever heard in Basic too. "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would issue you one!"

Of course, I didn't listen and married a woman who didn't have a clue about the Military and looked upon it as any other 9 to 5 job.

Funniest part was during the divorce, she actually tried to have it written into the divorce that she would have access to my GI Bill benefits.


27 posted on 02/04/2006 7:51:09 AM PST by DakotaRed
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To: 2LT Radix jr; 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub; 80 Square Miles; A Ruckus of Dogs; acad1228; AirForceMom; ..

It used to be; "If the Army wants you to have a wife they'll issue you one!"

Now it looks like they almost are. Every issue item comes with classes from how to select, to how to maintain, so now.....


28 posted on 02/04/2006 7:53:21 AM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: freepatriot32

"How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."

I'm glad this program wasn't around when I met my wife or she would have never married me.


29 posted on 02/04/2006 8:06:04 AM PST by Gamecock (..ours is a trivial age, and the church has been deeply affected by this pervasive triviality. JMB)
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To: freepatriot32

The military is worried about the divorce rate so it blames the spouses instead of the year long deployments???


30 posted on 02/04/2006 8:07:46 AM PST by CodeToad
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To: LoudRepublicangirl
**She is such an asset to him and to the military as she is a strong, fierce and well-organized American woman!**


I have one of those. The only time mine forgot who she was occurred when we were flying into Atlanta during an Ice Storm. We were told before we landed that we were going to be stuck there overnight.

As we got into the terminal with our three little kids in tow, she looked at the pandemonium and looked at me and almost lost it. I gently grabbed her shoulders and said "Baby, you are an Army wife, I need you to act like one." She took a half step backwards blinked hard, and said "what needs to be done?" I told her to get some dinner for the family, and meet me back there when she was finished. I went and found what turned out to be a midnight flight home. (even after that she brought me something to eat.)

She laughs about it now and calls it her "thanks, I needed that" moment.
31 posted on 02/04/2006 8:14:45 AM PST by Gamecock (..ours is a trivial age, and the church has been deeply affected by this pervasive triviality. JMB)
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To: CodeToad
The military is worried about the divorce rate so it blames the spouses instead of the year long deployments???

Hey, the long deployments are a fact of life. And back in WW II-- it wasn't year long-- you stayed until the war was won.

So if the nature of military life demands long stretches away from home (and long hours even in garrison), our service members are well advised to pick their spouses carefully. It takes a deep commitment from a soldier's spouse to support that soldier "for better or worse." And yes, not everyone is up to it.

32 posted on 02/04/2006 9:20:52 AM PST by Lysandru
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To: SandRat

BTTT


33 posted on 02/04/2006 9:21:35 AM PST by E.G.C.
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To: freepatriot32

Good for them. Glad to see it. I worked in Family Support for many years while I was in the Army. I was no shining example to follow, as I have a divorce from a Sailor behind me...but that gave me much more empathy to do my job and help out military families who were in a (usually self-induced) crisis.


34 posted on 02/04/2006 9:29:06 AM PST by Diana in Wisconsin (Save The Earth. It's The Only Planet With Chocolate.)
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To: freepatriot32; TankerKC
The night that TankerKC raised his question about the RatherGate memos' formatting appearing hokey, I looked back through my old USAF records to see for myself. One of the memos (whose formatting did not match the "Bush memos") was one from my Commander, 'allowing' me to marry.

I'm happy to report that we "beat the odds". Even without the 'benefit' of a "how to" course -- we will soon celebrate our 45th anniversary...

35 posted on 02/04/2006 10:20:55 AM PST by TXnMA (TROP: Satan's most successful earthly venture...)
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To: Lysandru
Thanks for reminding everyone of the WW II length of deployments. I have a close friend who's Dad was gone for 6 years, and they didn't have email or even prepaid telephone cards. If they didn't get a letter, or a knock at the door, they were just left waiting.

And wait is just what they did.

What has happened to our family members that they don't unerstand the nature of war?

36 posted on 02/04/2006 10:21:52 AM PST by TruthNtegrity (Tony Snow: Fighting for the full release of the Barrett Report.)
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To: CodeToad
The military is worried about the divorce rate so it blames the spouses instead of the year long deployments???

Compared to other wars, a year is not all that long. Still there's not much the military can do, absent a large increase in their numbers, and thus their budgets, about the deployments. They don't make policy, they only execute it.

37 posted on 02/04/2006 11:08:51 AM PST by El Gato (The Second Amendment is the Reset Button of the U.S. Constitution)
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To: Vision
Are our military "Teen Magazine" readers?

Considering that the target audience is not senior NCO's or field grade officers, the answer probably is either "yes", or "not long ago they were".

38 posted on 02/04/2006 11:10:33 AM PST by El Gato (The Second Amendment is the Reset Button of the U.S. Constitution)
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To: freepatriot32

One should pick a spouse in at least as good a light as one uses to pick out a suit. (And one should be at least as sober.)


39 posted on 02/04/2006 11:16:44 AM PST by Doctor Stochastic (Vegetabilisch = chaotisch ist der Charakter der Modernen. - Friedrich Schlegel)
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To: MEG33

given the divorce rate in this country a little help and guidance in choosing more carefully might be a good idea..


40 posted on 02/04/2006 11:19:45 AM PST by television is just wrong (Our sympathies are misguided with illegal aliens...)
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