OSCAR BLINKS

Remember when Hollywood had mystique and glamour and was the wellspring of entertainment? That now seems a relic of another era.

In its place sits a town where self-absorption has taken a lead role and superficial social messages predominate.

When it wasn't embarrassing, the 78th Annual Academy Awards show was generally a bore.

Host Jon Stewart was probably a bit surprised at the tepid response to his jokes, especially the one where he quipped about the awards show being a "place where you can watch all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party." Stewart also admonished would-be film downloaders to think about the "women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts."

Many of the stars seemed incapable of laughing at themselves. But when Stewart let loose with a joke that was at the expense of Vice President Dick Cheney, the guffaws flowed freely.

"I do have some sad news to report," Stewart said. "Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her."

Stewart got moderate chuckles when he took a shot at the news media. He praised "Good Night, and Good Luck" and "Capote," describing them as films about journalism's "relentless pursuit of the truth," adding, "needless to say, both are period pieces."

The big laughs returned, though, with a reference to the war in Iraq. Evoking the memory of the toppling of the statue of Saddam Hussein, Stewart pointed to a giant Oscar image and said, "Do you think if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?"

George Clooney won the first statuette for Best Supporting Actor for "Syriana," letting the world know that he was "proud to be part of this Academy, proud to be part of this community, proud to be out of touch."

Clooney claimed that Hollywood talked about social issues before anyone else. "We are the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just a gay disease," he said.

As expected, Phillip Seymour Hoffman won the Best Actor award for his portrayal of the gay central character in "Capote."

Rachel Weitz maintained the political pattern. She won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing a social activist in "The Constant Gardener."

It seems that a bit of "Brokeback" backlash may have created the surprise winner for Best Picture. After endless buzz about "Brokeback Mountain's" courage and brilliance and after it won virtually all of the pre-Oscar awards, "Crash" scored an upset win over the gay cowboy flick.

The most bizarre comedy bit: Ben Stiller came on stage wearing a John Kerry sanitary "sperm" outfit.

The most deserving award: Reese Witherspoon took the Best Actress award for "Walk the Line."

The most ironic award: "Brokeback Mountain" won for Best Score. How utterly appropriate this year that an Oscar was awarded for a hip-hop song about the difficulties experienced by a pimp.

Unfortunately, no one remembered to send a Hollywood shout-out to the troops, whose starring roles outshine all of Oscar's gold.

Notable quotes from the Oscars

Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles:

"Thank you to all the members of the academy for embracing our film about love and about tolerance and about truth. ... You have made this year one of the most breathtaking and stunning maverick years in American cinema." _ Cathy Schulman, producer of best picture "Crash."

"I wish I knew how to quit you." _ Ang Lee, best director for "Brokeback Mountain."

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"Wow, I'm in a category with some great, great, great actors, fantastic actors, and I'm overwhelmed, really overwhelmed." _ Philip Seymour Hoffman, best actor winner for "Capote."

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"Oh my goodness. I never thought I'd be up here in my whole life, growing up in Tennessee." _ Reese Witherspoon, winner of best actress for "Walk the Line."

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"I have to say it is a little shocking to see all these big names here, these huge stars. The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner." _ Oscar host Jon Stewart during the opening monologue.

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"I look at it as a nod to all of my films because to me I just made one long film." _ Honorary Oscar winner Robert Altman, director of 37 films including "M-A-S-H," "The Player" and "Gosford Park."

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"It's a funny thing about winning an Academy Award. This will always be synonymous with your name from here on end. It will be, Oscar winner George Clooney, sexiest man alive 1997, `Batman,' died today in a freak accident ..." _ George Clooney after winning his first Oscar, for supporting actor in "Syriana."

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"What an amazing feeling. Terrifying, but amazing. Mom I know you're up there somewhere, I think." _ Cinematography Oscar winner Dion Beebe for "Memoirs of a Geisha."

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"I do my own stunts." _ Jennifer Garner, after nearly tripping on her way to the microphone to present an award.

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"I'm going to be so good I'm going to have a halo by the end of the night." _ Isaac Mizrahi, E!'s red carpet interviewer, when asked if he would be behaving, referring to his risque grope interview style during arrival festivities at the Golden Globes.

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"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." _ Jon Stewart.

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"I want to thank the academy for sitting me next to George Clooney at the nominees luncheon." _ Corinne Marrinan, co-winner of the short subject documentary Oscar for "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin."

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"I am so proud to have worked in this movie, `Brokeback Mountain,' a movie that once again show us that love is what makes us all very similar despite that we can be so different, too." _ Gustavo Santaolalla, original score Oscar winner for "Brokeback Mountain."

CRASH was by no means an unexpected victory, nor did its win have anything to do with its message, or BROKEBACK's gay cowboys being too - er - hard for Hollywood to swallow. CRASH won because its makers sent out a gazillion "screeners" - free DVDs - of the film, to every member of every union with voting rights in guild or academy awards. These guilds and members are mostly middle aged or older and not into going out to see movies all that much, just like everyone else. So they voted for the one they'd seen, CRASH. It might also be a backlash against the discontinuation of sending out screeners when piracy concerns (and cheapness) became an issue for the studios. But that's what won the award, and I'm hoping this leads to an avalanche of freebies next year.

Oh my goodness. I never thought I'd be up here in my whole life, growing up in Tennessee." _ Reese Witherspoon, winner of best actress for "Walk the Line."

From the sometimes reliable Wikipedia:

Witherspoon was born in New Orleans, Louisiana to John Witherspoon (a surgeon) and Betty Reese (a nurse and college professor); Reese is a direct descendant of Scottish-born John Witherspoon, a signer of the United States Declaration of Independence and sixth president of Princeton University....

I like ya, Reese, but don't try to give us the po' girl from the south without shoes routine.

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