Skip to comments.Sex In America (Burt Prelutsky Warns Our National Pasttime Makes The French Look Good Alert)
Posted on 03/28/2006 11:28:50 PM PST by goldstategop
Back when Bill Clinton was leaving his mark on history by leaving his mark on Monica Lewinsky's dress, one of the most aggravating aspects of the entire shabby episode was having our nation being patronized by the European media. As usual, the snidest commentary came to us courtesy of the French.
They were like 80 million cats lapping up cream. Our alleged lack of sophistication is like food and drink to them. They couldn't stop snickering over our bourgeois value system. After all, their premier had a mistress. What real man didn't? It's to be expected. Only people as backward as Americans would make a fuss over something so natural. All the while, the French ignored the fact that Clinton had committed perjury, which many of us took far more seriously than whether he had cheated on Hillary. Feeling as we did about his wife, that struck many of us as perfectly reasonable.
But, much as I hate doing it, I'm afraid I have to admit that, for once, the French aren't entirely off base. While I regard Clinton as a national albatross for a variety of reasons, quite aside from his having sex with a young intern, I happen to think that where sex is concerned, Americans are, by and large, childish and embarrassing.
For instance, consider that for millions of us, the computer age with its magnificent superhighway of information translates into a multi-billion dollar pornography industry. I mean, let's face facts when people object so strenuously to the portions of the Patriot Act that permit the feds to eavesdrop on our computers, what do you think it is that makes them so darn nervous? That the world will discover that they've been checking up on the annual rainfall in the Amazon rain forest or finding out Millard Fillmore's middle name?
Sometimes, I swear, people are so daffy when it comes to things even slightly sexual that I almost feel like donning a beret, lighting up a stinky cigarette, and snorting through my nose.
I'll mention just a few things, and you decide whether or not we're a nation of goofballs. First, there's the fact that Paris Hilton, a woman of rather ordinary looks and no discernible talent, became famous simply because a video of her having sex with some guy became public property.
Next, there's the annual swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. Every week, SI is jam-packed with extremely well-written and well-photographed articles dealing with the world of athletics. Then, once a year, they devote a cover and a few pages to photos of pretty girls modeling bikinis, and you get the idea the end of the world is nigh. Now keep in mind that Playboy has been displaying even prettier girls in and out of bikinis for about 50 years. Still, every year, as predictably as the swallows returning to Capistrano, you can count on pundits endlessly kicking the topic around in newspapers and on talk shows. What's more, if I could collect 25 bucks for every Sunday sermon in which some minister pondered whether this marked the end of Western Civilization, I could run out and buy a new car.
At least the women in Sports Illustrated are gorgeous and voluptuous. They are, after all, hired specifically for their good looks. But a few years ago, we were all witness to something that should have served as a wake-up call. A woman's soccer team had just won a big match. Their star player, Mia Hamm, celebrated the victory by pulling off her blouse and running around the field. If you recall, she wasn't naked. She was wearing a sports bra, which in the world of lingerie is comparable to your grandmother's bloomers. What's more, Ms. Hamm, a fine soccer player and probably a nice person, is as flat as an ironing board. But the way that America carried on, you'd have thought that the woman had pulled a Lady Godiva and gone riding nude, at high noon, through the center of town.
Why, you ask, is this so important? Because it behooves us all not to supply the French with artillery with which they can mock us. Which, when you get right down to it, is the only sort of artillery the French ever actually use.
(Denny Crane: "I Don't Want To Socialize With A Pinko Liberal Democrat Commie. Say What You Like About Republicans. We Stick To Our Convictions. Even When We Know We're Dead Wrong.")
Brandi Chastain, not Mia Hamm
Funny - I'm not getting any....
And she was hot!
Many of the French don't bathe, wear deodorant, or wear underwear. 'Cologne' is used to mask their poor hygiene.
I seem to remember reading that guy soccer players pull off their shirts to trade them after a game or something...anyone know anything about this?
Don't feel like the Lone Ranger on that one.
Do you think it might be related to the fact that we're sitting here on our computers posting to a forum at 3AM EST? Nahhh... couldn't be that, could it? :-)
Looks like ol' Burt couldn't come up with an idea for a column.
Sure I'd rather see him serving time for accepting Chinese Communist money for his re-election campaign. There are lots of charges he got away with.
As a very experienced French lady once said to me, in a thick French accent: "No Frenchman would ever believe than an American would be a better lover than a Frenchman...but you are."
A lot of Americans don't either. Except many of them don't even bother to wear Cologne.
Also, is this a fact or just your conjecture? Have you lived in France? Are there studies that prove this?
Actually it is, from my personal experience, true, but that doesn't change the fact that you didn't tell us the basis for your argument.
Sounds like you are tooting your own horn a bit there SB
1. It is a fact...not conjecture.
2. Although I have not lived in France, I've traveled there many times. I also have friends there who confirm that what I've seen in my travels is the rule rather than the exception.
3. Yes. There are studies.
4. If you're trying to pick a fight, I suggest you STFU before you embarrass yourself further.
"They couldn't stop snickering over our bourgeois value system."
The author Burt chose the wrong word, bourgeois, to describe this aspect of our society. He meant moral, but he couldn't say it.
I think (and hope) that there is hope for our nation, as long as a segment of society continue to strive for some moral restraint, socially liberal conservatives not withstanding. France et al, for better or worse, will most likely go the way of the Roman empire.
Have you seen French men? Ick...
The sexiest most eye-grabbing guys on the planet are Scottish, Aussie, and English.
First of all, thansk for the report. It was amusing.
I am tired of people on FR making blanket statements without evening offering to back it up with clear evidence.
It is like me stating that All Americans are fat.
Your language is absolutely uncalled for. Not only was I not trying to pick a fight, I was agreeing with you, but challenging you to back up your statement with at least something - at least personal experience.
So go have another cup of coffee and calm down before you bust a nut.
Part of the issue is the high cost of doing laundry. Only 18% of the French own a clothes dryer, it's also less than 50% in Germany, if I recall correctly. Water and electricity are expensive, and if you go to a pay laundromat, you're out a good $12-15 a load. Yes, $12-15 a load. 1 Euro (about $1.25) per 10 minutes in the dryer, and 8 Euros a wash (about $10). And don't even mention the cost of drycleaning.
(MWTH thinks to himself: "smile? sarcasm tag? chortle?")
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