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French Snipers Rousted From Statue Of Liberty

Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Masses - And We'll Carve 'Em Up ... Real Nice

New York, New York – The FBI, acting on tips from Staten Island police, have uncovered a squadron of French guerrilas living in the Statue of Liberty murdering American tourists for over a hundred years. The Gallic fighters, now in their fourth generation inside the monument, are the descendents of a militant anti-American sect of the French which included the Statue's designer, Frederic Bartholdi.

According to Det. Frank Mattingly, the statue's victims are usually tourists whose exact whereabouts aren't known while on vacation. Thusly, leads in the disappearance cases have been few and far between. As it turns out, the victims have been ritualistically bludgeoned inside the symbol of America's goodwill.

At any given time in the last 112 years, there have been between 8 to 20 crack French troops dwelling inside of the monument. They refer to themselves as "torch-bearers." Over the years, several of the militaristic Torchbearer sect have retired from their mission but never revealed the group's secret. The squad occasionally recruited French soldiers in secrecy, and some of the Torchbearers were born to mothers and fathers in the group and were born in the statue itself.

Bartholdi and a group of his anti-American cronies devised the entire idea of the statue as a Trojan horse, whereby the guerrilas inside could indiscriminately murder American citizens with little chance of being caught. FBI have just recently discovered a labyrinthian series of trap doors and secret passageways inside the statue.

The statue was unveiled on October 28, 1886 and presented as a herald of the United States as the "country of the 20th century." A similar monument is still being constructed for the Japanese to be unveiled by French "sculptors" within the next year. Japanese authorities have been notified of the potential peril by the State Department.

The Torchbearers didn't stop simply at murdering visitors inside the monument itself. French frogmen, armed to the teeth, patrol the waters around Staten Island, murdering at least 150 fisherman and boaters in the last 40 years alone. It has also been learned that many souvenir Statue of Liberty cigarette lighters contain small amounts of nitroglycerine, igniting unsuspecting smokers who've been getting a light from "Lady Liberty."

During the early to mid 1980's, tourists found a reprieve from the blood spree of the Torchbearers due to the extensive restoration of the statue for its centennial celebration in 1986. It is not yet known where the sect went during that time, but it has been speculated that they were involved in an ill-fated attempt to open a string of chicken-and-waffle restaurants in the Virgina area.

FBI authorities are not resting now even after the Statue of Liberty has been liberated of its French inhabitants. Agents across the country are scouring national parks and monuments in search of similarly diabolical militias in such unlikely places as Old Faithful, the nostrils on Mount Rushmore, the California missions and also Plymouth Rock. FBI Spokesman Darren Block alleges that the rock itself just may house a legion of fanatical Pilgrims bent on "ridding the country of electricity-using heathens".