Posted on 04/20/2006 11:13:07 AM PDT by Incorrigible
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Parents Cherish Photos of Stillborn BabiesBY SUSAN GLASER |
Hours after Connie King gave birth to a stillborn boy, a stranger arrived, carrying a camera.
Photographer Michelle Reed Cantley entered the room and quickly went to work, posing baby Nicholas on the couple's bed and in the arms of his parents, hoping to capture both his beauty and his peace.
 Mark and Connie King of Hinckley Township, Ohio, embrace their stillborn son, Nicholas. Their living room is filled with more than a dozen images of Nicholas shot by a photographer on call for such occasions. "It makes our little boy real," said Mark King. (Photo by Michelle Reed Cantley)
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Cantley, who has spent most of her eight years as a photographer chronicling joyous events such as weddings and proms, has found a calling giving grieving parents a remembrance of their babies.
"If he starts to fade in my memory, I can turn to these pictures and love him all over again," said King, who gave birth March 10 at her home in Hinckley Township, Ohio.
Mark and Connie King's living room is filled with more than a dozen of Cantley's images of Nicholas: a close-up of his tiny feet, cradled in mom's arms, embraced by dad and mom on the bed.
"It makes our little boy real," said Mark King.
Decades ago, women who delivered stillborn or gravely ill infants typically were not encouraged to grieve. Parents rarely took photos and other mementos with them when they left the hospital without their babies.
Then, as the healing process evolved, parents were gently encouraged to create memories in whatever ways were comfortable for them.
Increasingly, parents are turning to a new national network of photographers, including Cantley, available to families in their darkest hours.
The nonprofit network Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, named after the first line in a well-known children's prayer, was founded a year ago by a Denver mother who lost her 6-day-old son and a photographer who took images of the boy.
Today, nearly 500 photographers nationwide are on call to visit hospitals and homes in an effort to keep the memories of these children alive.
"It's almost like proof," said Megan Senthil, an Aurora, Ohio, mother whose fourth child, Asher, was stillborn in February. "It's strange to go through nine months and have a life inside you and then have nothing. It makes it more real to me. Yeah, I did have a baby."
Cantley came to Senthil's room at University Hospitals in Cleveland the day after Asher's birth and took hundreds of photos, including dozens with his older sister and two brothers.
"They see these pictures and I think it's really helping get us through the process," said Senthil. "I couldn't imagine the grief that I would have if I didn't have the photos. I look at them constantly."
Cantley's service, including a CD of images, is provided free; prints are offered at a discount.
The challenge from a photography standpoint is to make the children look peaceful and at rest, no matter their circumstances. Cantley deals with these difficulties through posing, lighting and camera angle. She can focus on the baby's hands and feet, if necessary. She frequently recommends that parents choose black-and-white images, which tend to be more forgiving of poor skin tone, bruising and other imperfections.
"The focus is on the beauty of the small life," she said.
Cantley, of Parma, Ohio, acknowledged that the assignments can be emotionally difficult. "I had to take a deep breath before I walked in that room for the first time," she said. "Being a source of comfort for the family pulls you through."
The national organization provides an online discussion group for photographers to share their experiences and their emotions, with topics ranging from whether to cover up a baby's cleft palate to making the best of available lighting.
Cantley said she believes that she has gained as much from the experience as the families have. "It's changed my life. I'm doing something that I really feel is touching people's lives."
Indeed, the families will be grateful for years, according to Cheryl Haggard, who founded Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep just two months after her son, 6-day-old Maddux, died in February 2005.
A year later, the photographs taken during his short life help to keep him alive in her memory. The pictures are not morbid or depressing, but joyful, said Haggard.
"When I look back at his photographs, I'm not reminded of the night that he died being the worst in my life," she said. "I am reminded of what a blessing he is to us."
For more information, go to www.NowILayMeDowntoSleep.org on the Internet.
April 20, 2006 (Susan Glaser is a reporter for The Plain Dealer of Cleveland. She can be contacted at sglaser@plaind.com.)
Not for commercial use. For educational and discussion purposes only.
Yes, they did. And had his siblings "meet" him as well. I'm okay with that for adults, not sure how I feel about it for young children.
Very good point. They were far more familiar with it than we are. When my mother died, I said to my father, "I hope I'm doing things right; this is my first deathbed." My eighty-year-old father said, "Mine, too."
At first I was turned off the but photos seemed to be in good taste. What always creeped me out were those photos years ago where they would photograph the dead child with his eyes open as though he were alive. This is an example.
http://imsc.usc.edu/haptics/LostandFound/abstracts_hur_3.html
I think this photographer is a real blessing for those families. They want to remember those children, even if they only had them for a short time, and this is a perfect way to do that.
There is little new here. The practice has been around since photography was invented.
Don't feel like dirt if someone tells you of a child that died. It means a lot just for the acknowledgement of their little life. You feel crazy grieving a stillborn or miscarried baby because you haven't lived with them and other people have never seen them. Pictures help you know that all the love and pain you are experiencing are for a real reason, a real human being.
It isn't possible to know the pain of losing children, at any age. I know I was very surprised at the depth of my grief at the experience of two late miscarriages. It hurt as much, and in many ways, more then losing my father.
You can usually tell in Victorian daguerreotypes and early photographs when a baby or small child is dead; the exposure times were so long to take a photograph that small children couldn't hold still long enough. If they are living, they are usually slightly blurry from movement.
Some people have to give it some time. I worked in OB years ago before transferring to the OR. The Baptist's womens league made clothing for stillborns in various sizes to insure dignity for stillborn photos. Every stillborn was photographed in our hospital for the death certificates and the parents had the option of requesting copies. Many parents came back months later to request copies after turning down copies before they left the hospital.
About seven years ago a young couple from a church I attended were pregnant with their first child. Everything seemed to be going well with the wife's pregnancy, but all of a sudden the woman got sick and gave birth to a still born son. They took pictures (not from a professional photographer though)-I guess as way of dealing with the grief. Not only that, but we had a full memorial service at the funeral home. It was an Orthodox Christian funeral which involves a little more than a priest/pastor mumbling a couple of prayers and saying a few nice words. It was the saddest thing I ever experienced (more than family deaths). This little boy was perfectly formed (she carried full term) and all I could think was how folks could go through late term abortions. I really don't support abortion period--but I want to focus in on late term where the baby is fully formed. It was amazing how the whole parish came to support this young couple even though it was so sad. I understand why want to do this although it may seem morbid to some. Unfortunately society has been getting very squeamish and cold about not having a body present at memorials. Don't tell me about Jewish tradition yadda yadda---I am focusing on Christians. The Jews may not have the body present for a wake but there is a traditional washing of the body before burial and the sitting of shivah (which is intense) plus a yahrzeit a year later after the person's death. I believe that this "forever young" culture doesn't want to deal with death. The Christianity I grew up with believes the body is the vehicle that encased the soul for the person's lifetime--it's not dirty or shameful and deserves some reverence in death.
I think it would help with the grieving process.
At 8 months along I had a baby boy die in utero. After 20 hours of induced labor, I delivered him, and was so angry and hurt that I didn't even want to look at him.
My husband, bless him, sat beside my bed holding the boy for a long time, quietly convincing me that I needed closure and would forever wonder what the boy looked like and felt like. Finally, I was able to take the precious bundle wrapped in a blue blanket into my arms and look at him and touch him. I knew then that my husband had been right, and that if I had not held my son I would not have been able to heal. We took pictures of him, had a funeral and burial, grieved, and then went on with our lives. We were blessed one year later with a healthy boy who has since grown into a fine young man. But hardly a day goes bye when I don't have at least a fleeting thought of my other son.
We have a small wooden box containing his photo, hospital wrist band, stillborn certificate, and sympathy cards we received. The box is put away in storage, but may be a remembrance for my other children, if they want to keep the items.
When my grandmother died, my mother was going through the cedar chest (yep, Southerners) and found a small picture torn from a magazine. She had handwritten a note that said, "This looks a little like L____. I never had a picture of him."
My grandmother's first baby had died, and the only thing she had to remember him by was a picture torn from a magazine... of a baby who looked a little like hers.
Amen, and God bless you for saying that.
In Victorian times, obituary photographs were fairly commonplace, and I believe it was as much as anything, a way of saying, "this beloved person was once one of ours, not to be forgotten."
I knew this was an emotional topic to post but didn't realize just how many have been affected so profoundly.
It seems "unhealthy" to you that a mother would want a picture of her child??? Trust me, it's nice to have when some blowhard makes a comment like "it isn't like you lost a real child", so you can whip it out show how amazingly "real" that blob of cells looked.
No. It seems unhealthy to continually go back to an event which brings such pain to one's heart. The mother's response, "when I start to forget..." It is healthy to move on. You don't forget the child. You don't forget the pain. But you don't live there.
This is still frequently done in some cultures. I found it strange, and a bit creepy, when I was a little girl; but, now, as an adult who has experienced the grief of losing loved ones perhaps I have gained a bit of wisdom and compassion. Grief is such a personal thing that, if someone finds comfort in that way, it probably should not be the concern of anyone else. To each his own ... whatever gets you through the sad times ...
I am speechless. Where is the nearest psych for these folks.
You make it sound like she's talked of nothing else for 25 years. The quote is: "If he starts to fade in my memory, I can turn to these pictures and love him all over again," said King, who gave birth March 10 at her home in Hinckley Township, Ohio.
This woman lost her child just over a month ago. If she's not quite ready to "move on" there's nothing unhealthy about it.
Hope you're having fun! :)
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