Posted on 04/20/2006 11:13:07 AM PDT by Incorrigible
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Parents Cherish Photos of Stillborn BabiesBY SUSAN GLASER |
Hours after Connie King gave birth to a stillborn boy, a stranger arrived, carrying a camera.
Photographer Michelle Reed Cantley entered the room and quickly went to work, posing baby Nicholas on the couple's bed and in the arms of his parents, hoping to capture both his beauty and his peace.
 Mark and Connie King of Hinckley Township, Ohio, embrace their stillborn son, Nicholas. Their living room is filled with more than a dozen images of Nicholas shot by a photographer on call for such occasions. "It makes our little boy real," said Mark King. (Photo by Michelle Reed Cantley)
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Cantley, who has spent most of her eight years as a photographer chronicling joyous events such as weddings and proms, has found a calling giving grieving parents a remembrance of their babies.
"If he starts to fade in my memory, I can turn to these pictures and love him all over again," said King, who gave birth March 10 at her home in Hinckley Township, Ohio.
Mark and Connie King's living room is filled with more than a dozen of Cantley's images of Nicholas: a close-up of his tiny feet, cradled in mom's arms, embraced by dad and mom on the bed.
"It makes our little boy real," said Mark King.
Decades ago, women who delivered stillborn or gravely ill infants typically were not encouraged to grieve. Parents rarely took photos and other mementos with them when they left the hospital without their babies.
Then, as the healing process evolved, parents were gently encouraged to create memories in whatever ways were comfortable for them.
Increasingly, parents are turning to a new national network of photographers, including Cantley, available to families in their darkest hours.
The nonprofit network Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, named after the first line in a well-known children's prayer, was founded a year ago by a Denver mother who lost her 6-day-old son and a photographer who took images of the boy.
Today, nearly 500 photographers nationwide are on call to visit hospitals and homes in an effort to keep the memories of these children alive.
"It's almost like proof," said Megan Senthil, an Aurora, Ohio, mother whose fourth child, Asher, was stillborn in February. "It's strange to go through nine months and have a life inside you and then have nothing. It makes it more real to me. Yeah, I did have a baby."
Cantley came to Senthil's room at University Hospitals in Cleveland the day after Asher's birth and took hundreds of photos, including dozens with his older sister and two brothers.
"They see these pictures and I think it's really helping get us through the process," said Senthil. "I couldn't imagine the grief that I would have if I didn't have the photos. I look at them constantly."
Cantley's service, including a CD of images, is provided free; prints are offered at a discount.
The challenge from a photography standpoint is to make the children look peaceful and at rest, no matter their circumstances. Cantley deals with these difficulties through posing, lighting and camera angle. She can focus on the baby's hands and feet, if necessary. She frequently recommends that parents choose black-and-white images, which tend to be more forgiving of poor skin tone, bruising and other imperfections.
"The focus is on the beauty of the small life," she said.
Cantley, of Parma, Ohio, acknowledged that the assignments can be emotionally difficult. "I had to take a deep breath before I walked in that room for the first time," she said. "Being a source of comfort for the family pulls you through."
The national organization provides an online discussion group for photographers to share their experiences and their emotions, with topics ranging from whether to cover up a baby's cleft palate to making the best of available lighting.
Cantley said she believes that she has gained as much from the experience as the families have. "It's changed my life. I'm doing something that I really feel is touching people's lives."
Indeed, the families will be grateful for years, according to Cheryl Haggard, who founded Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep just two months after her son, 6-day-old Maddux, died in February 2005.
A year later, the photographs taken during his short life help to keep him alive in her memory. The pictures are not morbid or depressing, but joyful, said Haggard.
"When I look back at his photographs, I'm not reminded of the night that he died being the worst in my life," she said. "I am reminded of what a blessing he is to us."
For more information, go to www.NowILayMeDowntoSleep.org on the Internet.
April 20, 2006 (Susan Glaser is a reporter for The Plain Dealer of Cleveland. She can be contacted at sglaser@plaind.com.)
Not for commercial use. For educational and discussion purposes only.
The funeral, though heartbreaking, was filled with grace, gentleness, and still calm sweetness. And there was a sense of great strength bearing up the family, especially the mother, who was still coping with the physical challenges of a body that had borne a full-term pregnancy and the stress of natural and difficult childbirth, and yet would have no child at the breast to bring it full circle.
In their home today a photograph of their youngest son is featured in a place of honor prominently with other family photographs. Some might believe this would prolong the heartbreak. But this family has never been closer, stronger, or more serene. I can't explain it. That's just the way it is.
This sounds like Queen Victoria's habit of displaying photos of all her dead relatives....and I mean photos taken AFTER death.
Don't mean to be harsh but this practice sounds creepy, morbid and very unhealthy.
Obviously not
Where is the nearest psych for these folks.
Word to the wise: Posting w/o reading the thread does carry risk of making one look like a big dope
However, you have to remember that, unlike with Grandma's photos taken during her life, you have no other photos of this child. They either get the photo shortly after the death or never have a photo.
A close friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn son at 34 weeks. They had photos taken of him that are on their mantle, it was their first son. They loved him. The photos really helped them through their grief.
I don't know if I would be able to display such photos, because I don't know if I could be reminded daily of such a great heartbreak.
I thought so too .. but I've heard grief workers say that when the parents embrace their child even in death - as the picture of the couple holding their baby did - they seem to adjust more quickly to the death and do not suffer severe bouts with grief.
It seems to me it might be the other way around.
I guess it's a very individual thing.
I would give anything to have more than the fading polaroid picture of my son Joshua, he only lived 7 days. Especially, when I finally got to hold him after his death.
Every one grieves in their own way and in their own time. God bless each and every one of you who have shared your touching stories.
You don't dwell there, but my non-living children will always live my heart just as my living children are the bright spots in my life.
I have no doubt about that.
But with your loved one, chances are you have many pictures of them to hold on to. You have to think these are their children and the thought of not remembering for they looked like, as a mom of 3, is sad to me. I can certainly understand it. I would never want to forget what my child's face looked like, no matter how it looked. That child would be beautiful to me in that state and I would want to be able to see it's face from time to time.
I understand. I just fear for that mother (or father) who can't move on past the loss.
WHATEVER THESE PARENTS NEED to love and honor and treasure their children is fine with me. These special photographers do take very tasteful photos. And what is macabre for those of us who have not suffered a loss is meaningful for those who have.
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