DATABASE FALLOUT

Police have revealed details of the scheme of those Miami jihadi wannabes. Inasmuch as none of them know how to fly a plane, they planned to go to Chicago, buy a huge pole and use it to tip over the Sears Tower.

The sleazy New York Times should contemplate changing its motto to All the News That’s Fit to Ooze.

Things can always get more grotesque. An animal trainer is teaching chimpanzees to give each other the high five. He believes once they’ve mastered it they can be taught to keep repeating “Check it out”.

The Israelis have finally figured out, if they are to survive as a nation, they should quit collecting injustices - and attack.

Admirers of Dianne Feinstein are planning to erect a statue of her. The work will start as soon as the sculptor can find a hundred and seventy five pounds of flabby marble.

Recent crime statistics reveal that the people who are most frequently victims of vicious physical attacks are Hollywood celebrities who under tip valet parking attendants.

Department heads who evaluate applicants for prospective employment in the government now accept Affirmative Action diplomas as bona fide proof of ignorance.

Compassion Overkill: Liberal Democrats have proposed the establishment of a Take a Gay Homeless HIV Afflicted Drug-Addicted Welfare Recipient Parole Violator of Color to Lunch Week.

Having eliminated “the N word”, political correctness advocates are considering eliminating all the other consonants in the alphabet, which will make the English language undistinguishable from Hawaiian.

The cap-on-backward culture gunk fad continues to proliferate. The spreading epidemic is called “Inner City-ism”.

Dan Rather's audience wasn’t as large as he claimed. For forty four years his wife had no idea where the’ hell he was in the evenings between 5:30 and 6:00 pm.

People who are reconciled that they’re going to hell are convinced Bill Clinton will be their designated driver.

Zoologists report, when shown a picture of Helen Thomas, a mink will lose its erection.

Americans will finally become aware of how extensive the illegal immigration problem has become when at the next Super Bowl game which team receives the opening kickoff will be decided by the referee tossing a peso. (Bush will do something about illegal immigration when serapes have sleeves).

There is talk of installing a steam room in the Vatican. It would be called The Sistine Sauna.

Democrats must be courting the religious right. Bill Clinton recently led a congregation in prayer. While the congregation was still on their knees, instead of “Amen” he concluded the service with, “Say, as long as you’re down there..."

Rosie O'Donnell continues to press her campaign to ban the private ownership of guns. Whatever way she plans to disarm America it sure as hell won’t be with her wit.

The redeeming feature of same-sex marriage is the couple can make love without worrying about waking the children.

Bono, the world’s meekest humanity-loving Irishman, would get his ass handed to him in any barroom brawl in Ireland. His best chance of avoiding getting a fat lip is to do his drinking in Africa where they love him – unless, of course, he happens to drop into the Shamrock Bar and Grill in Nairobi.

Considering Bush’s indecisive handling of the war in Iraq and his vacillating policy on illegal immigration, the White House should be renamed The Halfway House. Bush reminds us of the words of Oscar Levant who said, “Once I make up my mind I’m full of indecision”.

English soccer fans should quit fighting in the grandstands and save something for the pubs.

It’s rumored among Security personnel at Dulles Airport boarding gates, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney can’t get her vagina through the metal detector.

As a result of Affirmative Action programs, English is now officially America’s second language. Gibberish is first.

It is unsure how successful Bill Gates will be in his charity efforts. It may depend on how people react when a guy with a hundred billion dollars shows up at their door asking for a donation.

If Bill Clinton can become President, Rodney King should be able to open a driving school. Is this a great country, or what?

A biography is being written about John Kerry’s war experiences in Viet Nam. The working title is The Red Badge of Yellow. The underlying theme is the difference between guys who have guts and guys like him who just have entrails. (If Kerry had been elected President, the Marines would be heading back to Iwo Jima to plant a white flag on top of Mount Suribachi.)

The city of New Orleans is down a quart. Mayor Ray Nagin is having his dip stick bronzed and hung on the wall in his office.

Islam is a nightmare and like most Islamic nightmares, it won’t go away until we wake up and do something nuclear about it. The answer to Islamo-fascism is to annihilate all the Islamos and the fascism will take care of itself. Islam is not fertile soil for democracy. Period.

It’s been rumored, there are some countries in The United Nations who do not hate America. So far nobody has been able to come up with a name.

If there is any truth to the Bush plan to amalgamate the United States, Canada, and Mexico into a Pan American Union, it is time for a second American Revolution. It’s clear the first one didn’t take.

Where does the inner-city end and the Mardi gras begin? It seems like some folks are just here to play.

I don’t mind the homeless lying around in the gutters, but I do mind them sending cheap wine to each other with their compliments.

Conundrum: When is a war not a war? When it’s whatever Bush is doing in Iraq, sometimes called The Dawdling Outside of Fallujah Syndrome. The most mentally disordered symptom of it is that we train the Marines to kill the enemy and then charge them with murder when they do it.

Remember Janet Reno? A Hollywood studio is considering offering her the title role in their upcoming movie “Bride of the Swamp Thing”.

The dilemma of our time is which problem to address first - stamping out political correctness or boycotting civil rights.

Considering the number of “Alerts” they send out, Microsoft has become a virtual theme park for viruses.

The United Nations is wrestling with the latest humanitarian predicament of how to tell whether or not pygmies are running short of anything.

More stuff about talking the talk and walking the walk. Jesse Jackson talks like Thurgood Marshall and walks like Stepinfetchit.

The mainstream media has come to regard itself as a religion. The New York Times is both its scripture and its excrement.

TV news panelists live in a world of small talk. The smaller the talk the more self-assured are the talkers.

Discerning the disparity between a Democrat Convention and a Geneva Convention is going to require precision work.

It is being alleged that the terrorist, Abu Nusab Al Zawaqiri, had been tortured to death. Apparently, one of those 500 pound bombs the Air Force dropped landed on his big toe. (I’ll bet that smarts!)

A delegation of Sahara nomads showed up at Al Gore’s door asking, “What global warming?” Incidentally, how did Gore become the ultimate authority on the environment when he is so apparently the ultimate scientific illiterate? In any event, the Democrats may nominate Gore for President just so the delegates can go gaga at their convention watching Al and Tipper reenact their exhibition of unsanitary saliva swapping.

The French Army General Staff that built the obsolete Maginot Line feels it has finally been vindicated. Not a single Mexican invaded France.

It is only a matter of time before the Arabs put aluminum siding on the Eiffel Tower and force Jacques Chirac to declare it a mosque.

From Teddy Kennedy’s inebriated point of view, global warming is global wobbling.

Patrick Kennedy has been put on probation for driving under the influence of prescription drugs. His next offense will be driving under the influence of refills.

My guess is Vicente Fox is getting every Democrat in the Senate “comped” at any Mexican whorehouse between Washington and Zihuatanejo (not the name of a venereal disease).

Legislators have declared all illegal aliens are welcome in San Francisco. Presumably the same goes for undocumented hookers.

In any event, the Bush Administration has become a government in exile in its own country. Among his other mistakes, it was foolish for Bush to order the military to attack Iraq – particularly when Arkansas is so much closer.

John Murtha looks like the guy they sent over from Central Casting to refuse to give Oliver Twist more porridge. Murtha thinks “cut and run” is a function of the fastest rabbi in the West.

Here’s the ultimate insult of Jesse Jackson. He’s not as smart as Al Sharpton.

It’s more than likely, if we send all the illegal aliens back to Mexico, the smog in Los Angeles will clear up.

An ABC promotional announcement says anchorman Charlie Gibson “brought us the world”. We returned it because it didn’t arrive gift wrapped.

I wonder if the guy who invented the accordion had any idea how many people it would annoy.

It is estimated Katrina “victims” received one point four billion dollars in aid. It’s estimated that 90% of the money was used to buy lottery tickets and guns.

The next music album destined for a lot of attention is called “Barbra Streisand Badmouths Cole Porter”.

In the brave new world to come, finding Bill Clinton not guilty of anything will be a felony – instead of a habit. Bubba’s non-stop speechifying shows he’s having a tough time getting the hang of being a non-entity.

In Hollywood westerns these days, they’re gelding the cowboys instead of the horses. (It’s reported there was an ongoing wardrobe problem on the set of Brokeback Mountain. The cowboys’ spurs kept sliding off their ballet slippers.)

Along those lines, a new religious denomination in Nevada says homosexuality is not a sin. It did not say anything about being disgusting.

Fidel Castro has got the word out to his secret police to find and suppress all the photographs of him smiling at Dan Rather.

It seems as though the magic has gone out of the Clinton marriage. Hillary is consulting a gynecologist that specializes in healing rust.

The good news is an Alaskan glacier moves about two inches every hundred years. The bad news is it’s headed this way.

The White House should get out the word that any attack on the United States will be met with the simultaneous evaporation of Teheran, Damascus, Mecca and Kofi Annan’s summer home.

"Islam is a nightmare and like most Islamic nightmares, it won’t go away until we wake up and do something nuclear about it. The answer to Islamo-fascism is to annihilate all the Islamos and the fascism will take care of itself. Islam is not fertile soil for democracy. Period."

My personal favorite.

2 posted on 06/30/2006 11:38:35 AM PDT by sageb1 (This is the Final Crusade. There are only 2 sides. Pick one.)

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