Skip to comments.The break in the case...
Posted on 10/21/2006 9:15:26 AM PDT by pickrell
Sources close to the San Fransisco prosecutor's office have confirmed that a break has developed in the divisive Nicole Brown Simpson murder case.
Former political candidate Jerry Springer explained,"Several undocumented sting rays have been taken into custody, pending arraignment. It turns out that the terrible murders were gang-related, after all.
"We had brought them onto my television show, and were waiting with the audience for the DNA results of the paternity test, to determine if one of them was, in fact, the genetic father of Anna Nicole Smith's child, when they dissolved into tears."
Police sources confirm that one of the sting rays admitted that it was the real killer in the O.J. Simpson affair, and that it has kept the terrible secret for all of these years.
"I'm usually a docile creature subsisting on shellfish and other bottom dwelling invertibrates," the dasyatidae explained, "but I was abused as a child when a Catholic priest went bathing naked in the lagoon where I grew up. I was abruptly forced into a shadowy world where gangs of king crabs fought over territory in surf wars. Up to that time I had loved life, and like young males everywhere, had been very viviparous."
Forcing back a tear, he revealed, "The first paperback version will be available in December, in the Congressional library. It should be, you'll excuse the expression, a real page turner."
CNN reporters probed, "Is it just coincidental that this is coming out on the eve of the elections? Should we assume that Karl Rove has engineered this to divert the voter's attention from Harry Reid's land deals- what? Oh sorry, I mean, of course, to divert the voter's attention from the Republican culture of corruption?"
"Let's be frank," Springer confessed, "there are very few coincidences in this town."
Angry House Democrats immediately charged that the confession was coerced by torture- that the sting ray's head was repeatedly held under water until he finally broke, and confessed that he only did it in an effort to impress Jodie Foster.
"When will people finally realize that these creatures are merely cartilaginous persons who have a right to support their families, and that no wall will stop their crossing into California," House minority leader Pelosi raged. "The idea that they would be required to show photo I.D.s before even being allowing into a voting booth is another transparent Republican attempt to suppress the barbed, striped, voter."
Democrats have stipulated that the number of undocumented sting-rays in California is currently unknown, and could number in the millions, but have argued that building a wall across the beaches to keep them out would simply be the wrong solution. "Like the current catch-and-release policy, it merely exacerbates the problem." Volunteers have set up stations along the San Fernando Valley to provide saltwater to the illegals, in order to alleviate suffering.
Critics have long warned that pollution dumped into the sea has been spawning a growing insurgency between skates and rays, which would inevitably spill over into attacks on the mainland U.S.. "It was only a matter of time before these creatures began to strike back at fishermen who have long exploited their territory," environmentalist Tom Cruise explained.
"The idea that this exodus is somehow being fomented by infiltrating skates from the neighboring reefs is ridiculous. All of this started when the neo-cons in Washington over-reacted, and removed a Great White Shark from the area, without any thought of how to control the continental shelf afterwards. There was simply no planning. And it hadn't been proven to be linked to any attacks in the area, anyway-" "What?"
"Well, okay, maybe it ate a leg- but that was all! There was no reason to assume that it was carnivorous. It certainly wouldn't have eaten any of my children. We have a private beach, you know..."
The only thing I can think to say is: "This must be Bush's fault!" ;-)
"Should we assume that Karl Rove has engineered this to divert the voter's attention from Harry Reid's land deals- what? Oh sorry, I mean, of course, to divert the voter's attention from the Republican culture of corruption?"
At least there is one plausible statement in this....get ready folks...the libs are going to come up with every thing that even a good science fiction writer could not imagine...they will do ANYTHING TO ANYONE for votes.
It looked a lot like this:
When I saw the news of the latest stingray attack my first thought was that it was motivated by all the news surrounding Steve Irwin's death.
This was a copycat attack and the stingray was looking for fame.
Since everything is taken care of, what is Fox News going to talk about now?!?!
I've been saying this all along.
I found this confusing and irrational ..like the rest of life
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.