I used to fly a lot in a previous job and I've been very unlucky with whom I've been seated near:
1. Between two incredibly obese four-eyed fat-ass redneck retards wearing cheap business wear who couldn't stop farting, chewed with their mouths open, and asked the stewardess for seconds. They were going to some sort of agricultural equipment sales convention in Kansas City. I spent the entire flight wedged between rolls of blubber on each side as they continually jostled in discomfort because they were so fat. Then they started sweating because they were jostling so much. The stewardess looked at me and silent-mouthed 'I am SO sorry' to me, which only made me angrier. I still hate those two clowns, whereever they are, even to this day.
2. Seated right in front of two drunks who somehow managed to carry their tiny yipping dog in a cage with them. Naturally, they let the dog out of the cage and ignore the stewardess who tells them to put the dog back inside. A male steward had to come over and tell them again, and they ignored him too and called him a queer. The copilot had to come back and tell them to follow orders or there will be big trouble. Nothing doing. The dog wouldn't stop barking the whole flight and the drunk started kicking the back of my seat while he argued with the air crew. I wish I would have had the courage to reach back, grab their dog, and snap it's little neck. When we landed, the captain asked everyone to remain seated for the cops to come aboard the plane. The cops got the drunks up, out of the plane, and the rest of us passengers watched them get taken away as we deplaned.
3. Ghetto fabulous La'tanikiawanda. This chick had a mile high pile of metallic green, red, and yellow braids on her head, six-inch long coiled fingernails in the same color scheme, and had never flown on a plane before. She let everyone know that she was about to embark on a great adventure and was so excited. I thought she was kinda nice and funny until the plane's engines started and we rolled back away from the gate. She instantly turned into a comical minstrel character like Butterfly McQueen's character from 'Gone With The Wind' on PCP. "OOH! WHAT WAS THAT?!", "WHAT'S THAT MEAN?!" ("Ma'am, please buckle your seatb--) "HOW THE DRIVER KNOW WHAT HE SUPPOSED TO DO?!" ("Ma'am, please observe the flight attendents for a demonstra--") "WHERE THE DOOR AT?" ("In the event of a water landing, flotat--") "BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"... In the air, it was "EXCUUUUSE ME! I CAN'T EAT THIS FOOD" and "EXCUUUUSE ME! I CAN'T CUT THIS MEAT!" and "I DON'T LIKE COFFEE! DO YOU HAVE HAWAIIAN PUNCH?!". She eventually calmed down a bit bt sparked right back up again when I brought my laptop out. "OOH! LET ME SEE THAT!". Yes, it's a computer. Just like you see on the teevee. Good grief. I had a window seat and the second time she leaned across me to put her face to the porthole, I gave her a look that said 'Don't do that again' and instantly I got treated like David Duke for the rest of the flight. I thought it was just theatrics and she was rehearsed, but no, it was real. I will never fly into or out of Atlanta again if I can help it.
There used to be a time in the golden age of air travel where people would actually dress up to take a plane trip. I can't even count how many slobs and degenerates I've had sitting next to me wearing bedroom slippers, unwashed sweatpants with matted animal hair on them, big passenger pillows, blankies from home, and the passenger had that hideous 'fat person' smell that has the odor of wet dog fur mixed with cookies.
Your post made me laugh out loud here in my little cube. Your writing style is quite hilarious! Atlanta is the worst, isn't it? We had an all-black-clad man reading The Communist Manifesto sit next to us last Atlanta adventure. Then we got to ride in the tran-bus deal next to a man wearing a long-sleeved wool turtle neck sweater and long wool pants. Fine, but it was Atlanta in August - around 97 degrees outside. His pants were soaked straight through, his hair was soaked, he absolutely reeked of b.o. We wondered if he was hiding something under his bulky sweater - no one is that stupid!
They really should have FED EXed that ugly baby! Joke!
I concur with having experienced horrendous situations similar to what you have described. I eventually secured a refund from an airline that allowed an overweight person wearing a tank top, shorts, and flip-flops to board an airplane and sit next to me. There are minimum basic standards that must be observed when hundreds of people are jammed in close proximity for hours. Your post was excellent and painted a picture of what can happen in the unfriendly skies.
~ Blue Jays ~
I'm sorry that you had these unfortunate experiences while flying, but they sure gave me a hearty giggle. You're hilarious! If you have more to relate, I think that you could write a book or at least a very funny screenplay. No kidding! Did you ever do stand up? :)
On a short flight, thankfully, from Dallas to San Antonio, I sat next to a large woman who came over into my seat. She also had her 3 year old son sitting on her lap. At least the kid behaved for most of the flight. She had no room to put down her tray and wanted two drinks. Just put her drinks down on my tray. What a long flight. Glad I had the aisle.
You bring back Lockheed Constellations (possibly the most beautiful airplane ever built!), and I'll dress up for the trip.
Otherwise its cargos and carry-ons; whatever makes it easy to get through security, board, and relax on the airplane.
As for crying kids - if they delay the plane, and the parents can't (or won't) deal with them, run 'em off. I support AirTran fully in this.
We're ready to push back from the gate, and a stewardess comes up to me and tells me that they think my wife's cat may not be aboard, and they're checking on it. The pilot doesn't want to leave until he knows what's on the manifest. A hugely fat businessman in back of us starts bitching at the flight crew, repeating over and over that he has an important meeting to get to in Boston (shades of Stephen Kings "The Langoliers") and he can't believe we're being held up by a cat. This is followed by snide remarks aimed at me and my wife.
Quietly, so he had to shut his trap to hear me, but with an intensity I usually reserve for my parade ground voice, I said: "Listen up, smart guy. I work for the largest air cargo operation on God's green Earth, and there is not a single pilot worth a damn who takes off before he knows what's on his plane. These pilots have a very complicated aircraft to fly and these FA's have over a hundred other people other than you to take care of. So now's the time for you to shut up and leave the flight crew alone. Don't make me tell you again."
I was astonished when he shut up, though he did continue to sulk and kick my seat occasionally "by accident." Turns out the cat went on an earlier flight. The co-pilot apologized to me and they gave us a ton of meal coupons. Flight even got to Boston on time. All's well that ends well...