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Mumbles wants a bigger bite, and that’s a mouthful
By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Friday, May 18, 2007

[Thank Wu!]

Mumbles Menino only wants one thing: The cheeseburger tax.

It’s been a tough week for Hizzoner - more shootings, a high-profile stabbing, a disappointing special election in which his creaking machine could generate only 53 percent of the vote in a conservative council district against a moonbat who’s only been registered in Boston for four years.

But Mumbles could put all that behind him if only the Legislature would give him the cheeseburger tax - the right to jack up the meals tax by 1 or 2 percent.

And it’s not only an option for Boston, either. Am I right, mayor?

“Not just Boston,” he recently said in Dorchester, and by the way, all dialogue is transcribed verbatim. “Milton, Woostick, Cambridge - every one of these ma-municipalities Massachusetts.”

That’s right, Woostick too. Are you surprised that he mispronounces the name of the state’s second-largest city? Hey, Mumbles sometimes calls Boston “Boss,” or “Poston,” or “Bosh-thin.”

Whatever you call it, though, the city has been very, very good to Mumbles. He’s 65 years old, making $175,000, which sets him up for a pension of $140,000 a year, for life. It’ll take a lot of cheeseburger taxes to pay for that kiss in the mail, which is why Mumbles, with help from Deval Patrick, is championing the cheeseburger bill.

“It’s not just a Boston bill,” the mayor repeated in Dorchester. “I wanna make everybody perfectly clear.”

And you do, Mumbles.

“Ya know, people think about Boston ya know some people outside they well it’s Boston trying to really capital city we trying to grabble all the money.”

Grabbling all the money - that’s a terrible charge to make against someone, isn’t it? But why should the Legislature have the right to set a tax on cheeseburgers in Boston. This is a question of home rule, or, as Mumbles terms it, “home roll.”

“You wouldn’t even notice it,” he mumbled on. “I just abut if you pay you know ahhh filet mignon it’ll be 50 cents so it’s not gonna croak. And most people ya know and ahh what it really does ahh, we, ya know New York has this.”

And if New York gets to grabble the money, then why shouldn’t Boston grabble, too? Of course, it’s not like the mayor is bitter, you understand - “I tell people all the time how fortune Boston is.” He just wants a “blund” of revenues, you know, “renue diversification.” Don’t you understand - “Sixteen percent of the state jobs are jeneered right here.”

It’s about “opportune,” er, opportunity.

“Implaca - implication for this well be, mean, being on humanity are staggered, staggering and potential ec -economic growth is tremendous.” Got that? This is the visionary CEO of a great city. But there’s another Menino, too, the urban mechanic, as he used to call himself. Back to Dorchester. [continue]

“One of my goals of Dorchester Avenue, just get rid of the traffic so won’t take ya one have supper on one end and ah dinner on the other end so it takes you so long to get through there.”

But aren’t supper and dinner usually the same meal? And considering that he’s been mayor for 14 years now, shouldn’t he have realized there was a bit of a congestion problem on Dot Ave before now?

Still, though, how many tourists ever see Dot Ave? One of the jobs of a mayor is to welcome visitors to Our Fair City. Let us now join the mayor as he pitches the attractions of the Hub to a gathering of conventioneers.

“Let me just say, welcome to Boston, may think you’re in London but you in Boston Massachusetts. Ah were lucky it’s rainin out cause you have no place else to go but sit here all day. You can’t go on whale watch, can’t go golfin, can’t walk the ahhhhh, the Freedom Trail.”

How’s that for a sales pitch? I think you’re on a roll here, mayor - a home roll.