Self-defense Against Fresh Fruit
Colonel (Graham Chapman):
Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!
Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout):
Right sir! Good evening, class.
All (mumbling):
Good evening.
Sargeant:
Where's all the others, then?
All:
They're not here.
Sgt.:
I can see that. What's the matter with them?
All:
Dunno.
Chapman (member of class):
Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Sgt.:
Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
Palin:
Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Sgt.:
What do you mean?
Jones:
We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Sgt.:
What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Palin:
Can't we do something else?
Idle (Welsh):
Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sgt.:
Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...
All:
We done the passion fruit.
Sgt.:
What?
Chapman:
We done the passion fruit.
Palin:
We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Jones:
Whole and segments.
Palin:
Pomegranates, greengages...
Chapman:
Grapes, passion fruit...
Palin:
Lemons...
Jones:
Plums...
Chapman:
Mangoes in syrup...
Sgt.:
How about cherries?
All:
We did them.
Sgt.: Red and black?
All:
Yes!
Sgt.:
All right, bananas.
(All sigh.)
Sgt.:
We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.