Posted on 07/02/2007 8:24:56 AM PDT by UnklGene
Canada Day in the Northern District of Illinois -
Mark Steyn | July 1, 2007
Happy Dominion Day! In la belle province, the concept of Canada may be regarded with indifference and contempt and dismissed as a weak sickly thing, but here in Chicago Canada is the baddest-@#! mutha ever to come swaggering in town.
For four months, the prosecution have regaled the jury with horror stories of the wild lawless swamplands to the north. You thought it was just one big wimp-o 24/7 Benetton ad celebrating diversity and UN peacekeeping and socialized healthcare and confiscatory taxation and all that other wimpy stuff? Hah! Get real. It’s an offshore tax haven to which the world’s executives stampede en masse because in Canada you don’t have to pay any tax. It’s a land beyond the rule of law where predatory thugs sporting sinister colours of terrifying gangs like the “barristers” and “Queen’s Counsels” fall on helpless US trial-lawyers, eat ’em up and spit ’em out all over Larry King Live. Marauding hordes of corporate vice-presidents ride down across the 49th Parallel to lay waste to American boardrooms like Albanian Mafiosi pillaging Italy.
Innocent unworldly types such as secretaries of state, four-term governors, Pentagon advisors and chief nuclear-arms negotiators who think nothing of going mano a mano with the Soviet Politburo, the ChiComs and the PLO are forced to concede they're way out of their league with these ruthless Canadians. A maple-drenched godfather simply has to put the word out, and an apparently innocuous sentence such as “Toronto wants it” is enough to strike fear and terror into the hearts of big-time execs all over Illinois. And that’s before they send in the enforcers from the badlands of “the Maritime Province”.
Late last week, you’ll recall that Judge Amy, after a little contretemps, told the media to take a hike. An aggrieved member of the Chicago press angrily blamed this on the aggressive behaviour of “the f***in’ Canadians”. The “f***in’ Canadians”’ whole take-no-prisoners win-at-all-costs bullying style has shocked Illinoisians whose sheltered lives have only exposed them to gangland mobsters rather than the CBC’s Moncton bureau.
Canada may be a busted flush and a laughingstock in Quebec, but in Illinois we’re badder than bad bad Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town until Peter Atkinson showed up. So on this national holiday let us rejoice: We are, as the Chicago boys say, the f***in’ Canadians and we can non-compete with anyone on the planet.
Or do you want me to send in someone from the Maritime Province?
Ping
swoon and *THUD* ping!
I like Mark Steyn. He sounds a lot like Mr. Bentley on the Jeffersons.
I’ve been swooning for the last hour—Glenn Beck interviewed Steyn on his radio show. And he’s going to be on Glenn’s CNN show tonight. I don’t know if I can stand it.
Mark Steyn is this century’s Mark Twain and HL Mencken rolled up into one. Appreciate him for the master he is.
Steyn was born in Toronto, Canada and educated at King Edward’s School, Birmingham, England, but dropped out of education at 16 and returned to Canada to work as a disc jockey. His first break in journalism came when he was hired as the musical theatre critic for the then newly-established The Independent in London in 1986 (his first review was for The Phantom of the Opera).
I sure hope you don’t think there is anything WRONG with that. :)
No. Just thought his voice was interesting, that’s all.
The broadest thinkers are remarkably intellegent people who have dodged college-think.
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