John Edwards: Trial Lawyer to the Underclass

Just when I thought I was about to lose my lunch over recent gushing reviews of John Edwards' anti-poverty agenda, first by The Economist and then by Washington Post columnist E.J. Dionne, the ONION came to the rescue.

"John Edwards Vows to End All Bad Things by 2011," America's self-described "finest news source" reported in its lead story. In an imaginary dispatch from Ames, Iowa, the ONION revealed the North Carolina presidential candidate is trying to jump-start his faltering campaign with "a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office."

Apparently, a low budget satirical tabloid knows a political huckster when it sees one, while a couple of mainstream media sources are seduced by blond ambition.

Elizabeth Edwards Defends Her Husband

Wife of presidential candidate and former senator John Edwards (D-NC), Elizabeth Edwards asserted that her husband was “more of a woman than Hillary Clinton ever will be. Senator Clinton (D-NY) is more like a man than she is like a woman. John is not like that. He is more sensitive like a woman is. Why, he cried for days after the 2004 election. I doubt that Hillary could squeeze out a tear while peeling onions.”

Elizabeth Edwards contended that, based on his sensitivity, her husband would be more like America’s first female president than Hillary Clinton would. This dig was likely inspired by Bill Clinton’s claim that he was America’s first black president.

Edwards used the recent disclosure that Illinois’ Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich had spent $600 of taxpayers’ money on make-up for a single public appearance as further evidence that her husband was being treated unfairly by the media. “John gets a haircut paid for with $400 of voluntary donations and gets raked over the coals,” Elizabeth complained. “This peacock from Illinois uses the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash to gussy up for a press conference and there’s hardly a peep.”

“John is very thrifty,” Elizabeth went on. “When he needs make up he borrows mine. That’s another reason why I know he has more in common with women than Hillary does. She obviously does NOT know how to use lip gloss. John obviously does.”

In related news, Elizabeth Edwards told a prominent gay rights group that her husband would help repeal more than a thousand laws that discriminate against same-sex couples. “In many ways, John and I are like a same-sex couple,” she said. “So, we think we know how you feel.”