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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

He always broke into a song because he could never find the right key.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip could be defined as someone with a great sense of rumor.

Why are psychologists so unsuccessful with Egyptian crocodiles? Because they’re in denial.

What do clocks eat? Mostly hours-d’oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they do take seconds.

Money doesn’t talk — it just goes without saying.

A restaurant reviewer accused a chef of plagiarism. He didn’t cite his sauces.

Authors re-write, poets re-verse, and dead musicians decompose.

How about the border collie who got a job at a vineyard? He herded through the grapevines.

What did the mother deer say to the other deer? Time flies when you’re having fawn.

If a seismologist gives a lot to charity, is he said to be generous to a fault?

I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

Don’t criticize nudists. They were born that way.

Geologists are unpopular because they love to find faults.

How does a spy eat his pancakes? Syruptitiously!

A friend asked me if my new lizard was big or small. I responded: ‘’My newt, actually.’’

How does Walt Disney World advertise? Via word of mouse.

What do you do when you are swimming in debt? You float alone.

Marx’s tomb: a communist plot?

Why did the chicken double cross the road? It was fowl play.

Hear about the boomerang maker who recovered from amnesia? It’s all coming back to him now.

Surveyors always do their level best.

Why were the massage therapists separating? She says he just rubs her the wrong way.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

What does the Dentist of the Year get? A little plaque.

Why did the creperie close? Pancake sales had gone flat.

If your sundial is at the back of the herb garden, is it behind the thyme?

What did the cop say about the missing vegetables? ‘’They’ll probably turnip.’

Why don’t clams give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

The book on the history of nudism was based on bare facts, and it came without a jacket.

If Santa Claus had a son, would he be a subordinate claus?

I thought about being a garbologist, but my career counselor trashed the idea.

A robber broke into a deli. They had to change the lox.

I have to upgrade my computer. My grandson tells me it’s state-of-the-ark.

Bakers share bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

The bakers’ union strives to get more dough for those that knead it.

Mozart had difficulty finding a mentor because he was Haydn.

Old kleptomaniacs never die; they just take it one day at a time.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane.