Posted on 08/30/2007 6:54:25 PM PDT by SmithL
LOL and the birds I presume.
The parties were Shin and Ahn . . .hmmmm
I wonder if they are Hillary donors?
1) Decide they are way, way out of your range, take one less club, and swing easy whizzing your ball right through them.
2) Wait until they are off the hole to make sure they are out of range and then chunking your ball so it rolls 20 feet.
Ask me how I know.
The time of day, relative humidity, wind direction and speed....maybe we should put Tiger Woods on the Calif. Supreme Court.
Which gets us to a certifiably true Tiger Woods story:
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?" Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?" Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
The time of day, relative humidity, wind direction and speed....maybe we should put Tiger Woods on the Calif. Supreme Court.
Which gets us to a certifiably true Tiger Woods story:
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"
Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"
Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into
the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.
I want the Course Management to be responsible for all broken windows. Even on a private course golfers act like vandals and drive off after hearing glass break. Thousands of dollars worth of windows being repaired should not come out of homeowners insurance when the cause is a little round ball sitting on the ground and the culprit makes his escape in a battery powered cart.
W
LOL! Starting the Friday silliness thread a bit early, aren’t we?
I woke up at 3 this morning, and Marlowe had indicated a highjacking of “Golfers & the CaScotus” thread, a title and a subject that immediately invites a smile.
The rest (as they say) is history. :>)
I want morons whould build houses on golf courses and then expect to be paid when thier windows get broken to STFU. Unless the house was there and the golf couse was built around it, they have NO right to complain.
Must get more coffee.
Big hitter, the Lama. Gunga gungagulunga.
Bud the golfer sets off on a round-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.
Months go by and there’s no sign of rescue, and not even a soccer ball to keep him company. Then one day Bud sees a beautiful mermaid coming out of the surf, heading straight toward him.
The mermaid stops two feet in front of Bud and asks him in sexy voice, “Would you like a drink?”
Bud doesn’t have to think about his answer. “You bet!” he nearly shouts.
The mermaid opens the vest she’s wearing, reaches in and pulls out an ice-cold beer.
Then she asks, “Would you like a cigar?” And Bud quickly answers, “You bet!”
The mermaid opens her vest even more and pulls out a Tatuaje Cigar, which Bud lights up immediately with the lighter the mermaid also gives him.
The mermaid bats her eyes, opens her vest even more, and coos to Bud, “And would you like to play around?”
“Wow!” Bud says, “You’ve got golf clubs in there, too?”
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?"
Phil responded, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
F'in please: If you build your McMansion on a golf course, expect to get shelled.
Priest 1: Well, I drove the ball 350 yards right onto the green and right next to the cup.
Preist 2: You used profanity for that?
Priest 1: No. Just as I was walking up to putt, a bird swooped down and picked up my ball, carried it off, and dropped it in the pond.
Priest 2: So then you used profanity?
Priest 1: No. Then a huge snapping turtle came out of the pond with my ball and dropped it almost in the same spot it had landed in the first place.
Priest 2: Well, you must have said whatever you said then?
Priest 1: No. Then this twister came, I ran, and when I came back my ball was gone again.
Priest 2: You got to be kidding? I would have sworn then. Did you?
Priest 1: No. Then that same bird came back and he had my ball in its mouth and dropped it back on the green, 6 inches from the hole. So I ran up to the ball so I could knock it in...
Priest 2: Don't tell me you missed the __insert appropriate curse word___ putt...
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
“You lying bastage! You’ve been playing golf!”
An amateur golfer hit his ball into the rough. After searching for several minutes, he finally located it, sitting right on top of a large anthill. He squared up, took a big swing— missing the ball completely. Hundreds of innocent ants died. He stepped back, swung again— and missed, killing even more ants.
The ball was still sitting there: but by now, the ants were panicking. As they were scurrying in every direction, one ant finally had an idea. “Follow me,” he shouted authoritatively.
“OK,” said another ant, “but where are we going?”
The first ant pointed to the golf ball in front of them and said, “It’s obvious if we don’t get on the ball, we’re all going to die!”
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