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Dennis Leary (whover he is?)

09 Death

(The lights blast up full as he puts the match to another cigarette. He is now standing center stage.)

That’s the problem with this country. We always shoot all the wrong guys! We shoot JFK, we shoot RFK and it comes to Teddy, we go, “Ah, leave him alone. He’ll screw it up himself, no problem, you know?” He’s the biggest target in the whole goddamn Kennedy family — and nobody takes a shot at him. He weighs about 7000 pounds. You could shoot a bullet in Los Angeles and hit him in the ass in Boston five minutes later! He’d be standing on the lawn at the Kennedy compound going, “Uh, there’s a. . . uh. . . bullet. . . uh, uh. . . in, uh. . . my, uh. . . uh, uhh. . . ass, uh.”
Ted Kennedy. Good senator but a bad date. You know what I’m saying? One of those guys who gets home around midnight and says, “What did I forget? Oh! The girl! Damnit! I’ve gotta start remembering these things.” You know what I’m saying? I think you do. I think you hear me knocking and I think I’m coming in. And guess what? All I’m wearing is a shirt.
Ted Kennedy sitting on the Sexual Harassment Committee. Cut me a giant piece of big-break pie. Ted Kennedy sitting up on the dais — all 7000 pounds of him — going, “I’m finally an expert and I can’t even open my mouth. Wow.”
See, I grew up in Massachusetts as a working-class Irish kid. We adored the Kennedys.
We had this love/hate relationship with them. We loved to elect them, but we hated them because they had so much money. We loved to see them get into trouble, but we hated them because they always got away with it.
But I had to draw the line long before the Easter Rape Weekend. I had to draw a giant line. I had to draw the line at the Rose Kennedy birthday party a couple of summers ago. Now, if you’re a hundred — have a party. But do it in private because you probably don’t look too good. Not the Kennedys. No. Since it was Mrs. Kennedy it was on the cover of People magazine and on CNN. They wheeled her out onto the lawn at Hyannisport — there must have been two thousand Kennedys out there. She has no idea where she is. The wheelchair’s rolling. She’s in a trance. (Waving erratically) “Where’s Jack? Where’s Bobby?” She’s lucky Teddy wasn’t pushing the chair. “No. Teddy. Not off of the bridge. . . Noooooooo —” SPLASH.
There’s another cliche about the Kennedys. That the world was a bright and shining place until JFK was snatched away. But there’s an element of truth to that. That’s why it’s become a cliche. After JFK died, the war in Vietnam escalated. Then Bobby died and the war got worse. Then we had drugs. Then we had bell-bottoms. Then Casey Kasem had his own TV show. Then we had more drugs and more bell-bottoms and more drugs and guns and crime and poverty and more guns and more crime.

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