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God bless our submariners, Great thread.connie!
I am saving that recipe,beachy.
Posted on 09/05/2007 5:50:54 PM PDT by AZamericonnie
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
“What happened” asked the doctor.
“Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV,” began the man.
“She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.”
The doctor nodded, “But what happened to the other ear?”
“Well, no sooner had I hung up,” said the man, “when the same guy called again.”
A guy is walking from the elevator to his room in a Las Vegas hotel. He sees a blonde at the Coke machine. She is repeatedly putting in coins and pressing a button on the machine. Each time, as a bottle of Coke comes down the chute, she jumps up & down, squealing with excitement.
The guy stops her and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me what you are doing?”
The blonde replies, “Like, duhhh...I’m WINNING.”
Back woods of Arkansas
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
!!!!!!!!
Redneck’s Chickin’s
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.”
“Chickens, eh?” says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck, “ says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I’ll give you both of ‘em.”
The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um... five?”
mine!!!!
mine!!!!
mine!!!!
mine!!!!
mine!!!!
mine!!!!
Arkansas State trooper
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “’Bout what?”
Redneck crash
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only Newfoundland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were...
“Hold my beer and watch this!”
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?” After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ‘bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
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One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leece roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”
“Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?”
“No sir,” said Earl, “We’re on the patch.”
Good morning, Meg
That’s a pretty picture of the birdies.
I about choked when I saw the calories and fat content on the first one. That’s definitely a once-a-year meal. LOL
Winders ‘98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
floppies are them little ol’ plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
* OK ats aww-right
* cancel hail no
* reset awa shoot
* yes shore
* no Naaaa
* find hunt-fer it
* go to over yonder
* back back yonder
* help hep me out here
* stop ternit off
* start crank it up
* settings sittins
* programs stuff at does stuff
* documents stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
* tiperiter A word processor
* colering book a graphics program
* addin mershene calculator
* outhouse paper notepad
* jupe-box CD Player
* iner-net Microsoft Explorer
* pichers A graphics viewer
* IRS M/S accounting software
* IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files
* coon dog American kennel club records
* fishin Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
* NRA National Rifle Association
* shot gun Remington Arms price list
* riffel Winchester price list
* pisstel Smith and Wesson price list
* truck Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
* house Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
* car same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
* cuzzins family history (usually a 3 meg file)
* tax records usually an empty file
* shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
* bud list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
* rasin NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
* car ‘n truck parts nearest junk yard by zip code
* doc veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement copy.
Driving Etiquette for Rednecks
# Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
# When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
# Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
# When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
# Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
# Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
# Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Counterfeiting in Dixie
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, “Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”
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