Posted on 12/25/2007 6:27:43 AM PST by Kaslin
Neither a contradiction nor a selective perception. I found the article to be out of line, and overly preachy and offensive.
You pretty much agree with the article, so our opinions differ.
Tell me what your Christian “duty” would be under the circumstance I find myself in today. My 9 year old received the identical gift from 2 different people, both are adults who are very dear to me but live no where near us and my daughter has never met either of them. She will start her thank you notes tomorrow. How, in your view, does she address the issue of this particular gift?
As a family we have already discussed how it is to be dealt with, but I’m curious as to how you would have your 9yo deal with it.
When we were poor and lived in a mud hut . . . my step-dad and blood dad each got me a globe . . . I was probably between 6 and 9 at the time . . . closer to 6, I think.
They insisted it was up to me to decide which one to keep. I was in agony over that decision. I think I kept my blood dad’s one as he was not often around etc. living in another state.
. . .
I don’t see any reason to do anything other than express whatever genuine gratitude the child may feel toward each giver. He/she may well comment on what use the gift will be put to or whatever else is attractive about it to him/her.
If the givers find out they each gave the same thing—no biggy, to me. If it’s a fine gift—too much of a good thing is rare . . . If it’s not—no biggy to give one to another child who’d make better use of it, perhaps.
Seems to me whatever the 9 year old decides should be acceptable to the givers. 9 year olds are big enough to begin making such decisions, imho.
There’s a dozen ways to be kind about it. But the detail of identical gifts from two distant givers is not a big issue, to me. Use em and enjoy them or give one away. Appreciation to both givers is quite fitting, it seems to me.
If it’s a white elephant . . . probably for a 9 year old, I’d encourage kindness thanking for the thoughtfulness and bother of the gift etc. Perhaps later in the year I’d encourage some communication or give some myself about what sorts of gift ranges more fit that particular child—also in a kind inoffensive way. NO guarantee brittle people wouldn’t take offense but one can take responsibility for one’s own kindness, not the responses of folks who work overtime to be miserable.
But if it’s just two copies of an attractive gift—no problem. Thank both givers and ENJOY, imho.
Surprised you’d ask but that’s my 2 cents.
What did your family decide?
That is true. However, it's usually not necessary to hurt people by being *brutally* honest, in small matters. One simply has to "translate" the question:
"How are you?" means "Tell me you're okay, unless there's an emergency!"
"Do I look nice?" means "Tell me I look nice, unless my slip is showing or I'm wearing two different colored shoes!"
... and so on.
In the case at hand, I think the right response is, "Thank you," which means, "I appreciate your caring enough to give me something," and then you do ... whatever with the gift, if you don't like it. Only if it's a close relationship would I emphasize the appropriateness of the gift. "Please don't buy me anything for Christmas; just pay the charge bill!"
I appreciate your response, and to be perfectly honest it is not what I expected.
The gift was a book, and had there been a bookstore around here there would have been 3 of them because mommy and daddy would have gotten it for her as well :)
As a family we pretty much decided to do exactly what you posted. She is going to thank each for the great book, and not mention the other. She is going to give the 2nd copy to her best friend (I already checked with the mom, who is my best friend, and she didn’t get it for Christmas)the girls aren’t going to exchange presents until over the weekend.
Certainly tailoring the response to each person and situation is wise and loving.
In general, I still believe that the TRUTH IN LOVE is the kindest thing in the long run.
ROFL!!!!!!!!
I should have thought of that before I did all my shopping with cash!!!!
Thanks for your kind words.
Sounds like a good route to go with the two girls. 9 year old girls reading the same desired book would likely be lots of fun. . . . though I hope they don’t spend hours talking about it on the cell phones unless there’s unlimited minutes! LOL.
Have a blessed rest of 2007 and great 2008.
I much prefer calmer exchanges with you, BTW. I apologize for brittleness earlier . . . my personality can easily generate flack and some of it has enough of a familiar ring that I can get into stereotypical responses. Sorry for that. I will endeavor to do better on that score.
Thankfulness AND honesty
CAN
go together quite graciously, warmly and constructively . . . with a bit of thought and empathy.
I agree with you, Quix. It’s just a matter of defining “the Truth,” as it applies to the particular situation.
For example, in the case of my mother’s giving me the same gift she gave me last year, I could have pointed that out. It would be “the truth.” But how does that help, to point out that she doesn’t remember what she gave me last Christmas?
I thought it was more loving to say it was a size too large (true), and that the shirts she gave my daughter were too large (true), and that we would like to exchange the items.
We’ll go to the appropriate store in the next few days and make an exchange. And if we don’t end up with the *exact* same items in the correct size, who needs to mention it? In this case, it is truly the thought that counts. Mom wanted to give us some attractive new clothes, and we will end up with some attractive new clothes.
If I were one of the gift givers of a copy of the book, I’d have been thrilled that I contributed to two buddies being able to share reading the same book at the same time.
NOt sure if the true givers would be so inclined but they might be.
I think we’ll have the charge bill *eliminated* when we get our tax refund this year. (What with my Mom’s working on reducing her potential estate tax liability ...)
But that’s my standard line on everything: “Do you want to go out for Chinese?” “No, I’d rather you paid off the charge bill!”
I don’t recall encouraging folks to be BRUTALLY HONEST.
I do recall mentioning that truth without love is brutality.
Loving people can usually find gracious ways to be disarmingly, if not humorously candid.
And folks wanting to be more loving can learn such.
Some may take longer learning such. LOL.
imho,
life is quite complex and conflicted in the best of times . . . misunderstandings abound . . .
Misunderstandings virtually always involve some level of hurt.
When deception is involved, the hurt is usually intensified.
Loving candor is a gift and tends to draw folks together if there’s any openness to maturity and togetherness at all.
If there’s not such openness . . . . the dolts involved likely deserve a verbal 2 X 4 upside the head anyway.
Seems reasonable to me.
Though I think it might be just as loving to show off whatever garments are ended up with to Mom and thank her afresh and anew for what her thoughtfulness and expense resulted in.
Unless, of course, in her age and personality she’d be unnecessarily brittle on the topic and not inclined to learn anything from an exchange about THAT! lol.
I agree with you again.
I don’t think most of us receive “bad gifts” in a situation where it really makes a difference. Certainly if I give a person something they don’t like, it wouldn’t hurt me to learn that they’d passed it on.
Maybe the real point is that we should all learn to think less about ourselves!
Maybe the real point is that we should all learn to think less about ourselves!
= = =
INDEED! INDEED!
THANKS THANKS.
I don’t think my mother will remember exactly what she bought me this year. And anyway, I can wear the one she bought me last year, if it’s right for the temperature when she visits :-).
Memory is a touchy subject in my family, since my father has Alzheimer’s Disease, and my mother is just getting drifty regarding details. (Not “memory loss,” you see - just “distracted”!)
I could have a meltdown, but how would that help?
No cell phones! I'm sorry, but I believe 9 is far too young. Heck I fought "having" to get one of the bloody things when I was nearly 39!
Apology accepted and I will endeavor to be a bit more clear in my comments, and also to not jump to conclusions so quickly.
I agree! No cell phones for 9-year-olds! I sometimes give my 16-year-old my cell phone, so she can call her Dad or the house if we need to pick her up at a time not previously specified ... but that’s IT!
THANKS THANKS MUCH.
Agree about cell phones. I don’t have one. Had one in Taipei for a time for a specific reason.
The business that just 10 minutes of such frequencies cause cancerous changes in nearby lab situation cells . . . is . . . troubling.
Throw in the monitoring (even when “off”), tracking aspects . . .
Ah well . . . jumping to conclusions was my mother’s favorite mode of exercise. I can’t believe I escaped the pattern totally, either.
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