Posted on 01/19/2008 10:02:54 AM PST by real saxophonist
Jump right into the jury pool
Mike Peters mpeters@greeleytribune.com
January 19, 2008
Just when you think you're safe, when you're out there in the park on a nice day, and listening to the birds tweet and watching the clouds floating past, and everybody's smiley and happy ... they come out of the courthouse and drag you away.
It happened twice last week in Greeley because of the knuckleheads who didn't show up for jury duty, and so the CourtFolks had to go out on the streets of downtown Greeley and grab some poor, unwitting passers-by and throw them in the jury box.
Out of 200 letters sent out for jury members, 161 didn't show up. Too stupid to read the letters, I guess.
This shows me that after all this time, it appears I've been wrong.
I was under the stupid impression that if you got a summons for jury duty, YOU SHOWED UP. You don't throw a jury summons away like it was unimportant, like mail from the Democrats or Repubs. You read the jury summons and do what it says.
But now, because of the knuckleheads, we could all be in trouble.
Because I work in the downtown area and see stuff every day, I know what kind of people are down there; and all of them are potential jurors:
» Lawyers. All over the place. You can't swing a cat around in a circle down there without hitting a lawyer.
» One tall, thin man who talks to himself. Or, maybe he's talking to the invisible guy next to him.
» A young guy with a shaved head, large tattoos on his neck, wearing all one color and leading a very large pit bull around on a chain.
» One obviously drunk man, staggering down the street at 10 in the morning, keeping his balance only because of the 12-packs of beer he's carrying in each hand.
» A girl, about 10 years old, who is downtown during school hours and carrying a kitchen trash can and dumping it into the larger city trash cans, for some reason.
» One woman, very professional looking and wearing a business suit, stands on a corner and talks VERY LOUDLY on her cell phone to someone named Louise.
» Two very sleazy-looking TV reporters.
That's your jury pool.
So, I can see it all a few years from now, when I get arrested for something serious, like punching a squirrel in the nose, and they take me into court and I look over to the jury box, and I get to see the "jury of my peers."
One guy, talking to the Invisible Man beside him, who is also a member of the jury; two evil lawyers; a gangster, sitting next to his pit bull named "People Eater," who is also a jury member; a drunk guy with a 12-pack; a 10-year-old girl who should be in school; a woman talking to Louise on her cell phone; and two TV guys who want to interview the squirrel.
And, despite their wacky, wacky ways, each of the jury members is mad because they got pulled off the street and have to serve on a jury.
Thanks to the knuckleheads who don't come in for jury duty, this is the jury who would decide my fate.
I'm a dead man.
The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be e-mailed at mpeters@greeleytribune.com.
My own exposure to the jury system was very, very frightening. Even a physician who was serving on the jury was just a drooling incoherent moron. “Trial by peers” is irretrievably broken in this country thanks to cultural decay, political correctness and public schooling.
In other words, your fate is in the hands of 12 people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty. :-)
The practice you described goes back to ancient Greece. If citizens didn’t show up for public assembly, government-owned slaves rounded them up and hit them with brushes or whips with paint on them to show that they hadn’t fulfilled their civic duty.
I’d love to serve on a jury at some point, but my bosses would shoot me dead before allowing it, and of course, they pay zero days to be away.
So, I go when summoned and torpedo myself off the jury. In all probability, though, I’d never survive all the preemptory challenges and actually sit on a trial. As stated, the jurors that actually get seated are pretty marginal individuals, by and large. There are notable exceptions.
Anyway, just so that you know here is the foolproof way to spend the least amount of time in the court room:
1. When you’re called from the pool to go into the court room for the interview process, DO NOT claim financial hardship EVEN if they say this is a long case— like a murder case. Just shut up and stay there. If you say you can’t do a long case they’ll just keep sending you back to the pool and trying you out on other cases until they find something that fits your schedule.
You want to get out of there fast. Getting called into five different court rooms is not the way.
2. Once you’re in the court room you will be asked a series of questions designed to determine your biases. Do not be an a-hole about it. Just casually mention that your brother is Department of Justice, your godfather was the captain of your hometown police department and your best friend was in the Secret Service before he joined the FBI.
You will be GONE in the first round of preemptory challenges.
Declare yourself in favor of jury nullification, and no judge will let you sit.
True- but that question doesn’t come up unless you bring it up. They ALWAYS ask you if you have any close friends or relatives in law enforcement, so this is an easy way to do it and not look like a raging lunatic, or to start a battle with the judge.
Before I completely ironed out my strategy I had a few very uncomfortable yelling matches with the judges— I do not like to elevate my blood pressure without good cause.
What did you and the judges yell about?
Just like 18th century Royal Navy press gangs.
Absolutely, when the judge says “will you be able to rule in favor of the law?”, just say “as a juror, I am the law and will vote any way I please”.
The first time I simply declared that I was too biased to be fair. Judge went ballistic and told me I didn’t believe in the sacred right of a fair trial, innocence until proven guilty, blah, blah, blah. He was steamed and yelled and huffed, but he let me go. But I was pretty shaken up. I rattle easily.
Second time, I tried to triangulate a little better and said that I wasn’t sure if the jury system itself was fair. I argued that everyone here was biased and they were either concealing it or just too dumb to know what their biases were. It was a circus. I looked like a lunatic. Judge was ready to beat me with the gavel, etc. etc.
My new way is perfect. You look like a good and responsible citizen, happy to be there, hungry to do your civic duty, and they let you go with a smile and a pat on the head.
Yes- but if you have a judge who has dealt with a lot of juror trickery, he WILL challenge you. He may know full well of what your intentions are, and he may know from the outset that this will end in your dismissal, but he may make you defend your position— and this can get very uncomfortable for people who do not like to scrap with judges.
Not my experience at all. I was seated on a murder trial this past June and everybody that was seated with me were very clean-cut, educated people. In fact, all the "marginal" people you speak of in my jury pool were pre-empted. A slouching guy in a sweatshirt who was initially seated next to me fell asleep and the defense lawyer immediately pre-empted him off the panel while the selection process was still on-going.
While I have a very important job, it was a great experience to sit on a murder trial and see how the process worked first hand. Besides, I caught up on all my work-related email and phone calls during the many breaks we had so my employer didn't miss me that much at all (much to the chagrin of the people under me).
Yes, we did convict the guy and sent him to prison for life without parole. No OJ jury here.
In most staes, lying to get out of Jury Duty is Perjury, so I don’t recommend it.
Sorry for the double post...
You have a point. Many of the people seated seemed to be pretty decent and respectable— what I meant more by “marginal” was that most of them seemed to have zero personality.
Of course, I did not get to see the FINAL juror composition of any of these trials. My suspicion would be that the blandness of the jurors only increased through the process.
Well, in my case, none of what I said was a lie. ANd I think that MOST people, if they work hard before hand, can conjure a distant friend or relative in law enforcement. And who’s to say that your 2nd cousin twice removed isn’t one of your closest and dearest friends?
When I pray “for kings, and those in authority,” I begin with the most important civic official in our nation, the jurors. The jury system, and common law, are remnants of the liberties enjoyed by people living under a Biblical theocracy. Hence, the “12 good men and true.” Like the patriarchs of Israel, and the apostles of Jesus, the jurors are foundational to a godly social order. I then work my way down the chain through progressively less important civil officials, and end my prayers with the least important of all, the one with the least liberty to affect the course of events, a certain George W. Bush.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.