A Progressive Bill of Rights[Obama's Version]

AWOL Civilization ^ | 03/14/2008 | Gary

[coffee260]

A Progressive Bill of Rights

I have begun to feel sorry for the Obama campaign. Sure, their candidate is still the frontrunner, but some of the old luster is gone. And his platform, if you can call it that, is so flat, so vaporous.

So here’s an idea to spruce things up: Obama should assemble his favorite authorities on law and human rights, in order to draw up a new Bill of Rights for the Unites States. After all, the Obamamites clearly are not pleased with the current one. So instead of just whining, why not present the American people with an alternative?

To speed things up, I hereby present the following draft. The committee could use it as the basis for moving forward.

Under each amendment, you will see in brackets the original text of the U.S. Constitution. This is followed, in a new paragraph, by the contemporary, Obamamite version.

Amendment I

[Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.]

Congress shall make no law giving respect to religion, particularly one that is based on the so-called Bible; or abridging the freedom of victims to speak out against their oppressors, or to press charges thereupon; or the right of the people to petition the ACLU for pro bono legal representation.

Amendment II

[A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.]

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the success of UN peacekeeping forces and the freedom of Third World peoples, the right of these peoples to keep and bear arms against the United States shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

[No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.]

No soldier shall, after returning home from war, be allowed to roam freely across the country, but shall be subject to surveillance by a social worker, and in due course be deemed fit or unfit for contact with the populace.

Amendment IV

[The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.]

The right of progressive individuals and institutions to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable criticism, shall not be violated, and no scathing articles shall be written; but the contrary case shall be encouraged, supported by the leading organs of public opinion, and particularly describing the non-progressive bogeyman to be excoriated, and the persons to be humiliated and slandered.

Amendment V

[No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.]

No person shall be held to answer for launching an attack on capitalism, or for some other denigration of the male patriarchy, unless it be shown that the patriarchy may benefit therefrom; excepting a salvo against the armed forces, which is always to be welcome, no matter how grave the danger to the nation; nor shall any person mouthing such shibboleths be held twice accountable; nor shall be compelled to be a witness in a criminal case if said criminal belongs to an officially-recognized victim group; nor be deprived of welfare benefits, without first having the opportunity to inflict damage on his or her oppressors; nor shall private property ever be considered to be private.

Amendment VI

[In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.]

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to accuse his prosecutors of racism and genocide, even beyond the state and district wherein the racism has been committed, which district shall be merely metaphorical, and to never divulge the facts of said racism, but rather bear witness to it himself, and to have the deck stacked in his favor.

Amendment VII

[In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.]

In suits of common sexual harassment, where twenty dollars is all that the poor fellow’s reputation will be worth when they get through with him, the right of the plaintiff to a rigged trial shall be guaranteed, and no other court shall have jurisdiction, according to the commonly-held notions of the feminist elite.

Amendment VIII

[Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.]

Though excessive bile shall spill forth from the mouths of progressive politicians and luminaries, none of their speeches shall be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Amendment IX

[The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.]

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to block the expansion of human rights ad infinitum for the most hostile and dangerous elements of society.

Amendment X

[The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.]

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved for the new transnational cultural and judicial elite, or to the people who work for them.

Amendment XIV

[Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.]

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, or physically present in the country when a progressive president enters the White House, along with all their relations and everyone they ever knew in their lifetimes, are citizens of the United States and can live in any state they choose. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of this new class of victims; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without first confirming that they belong to the oppressor class; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction absolute equality with every other person in its jurisdiction.

[Christian4Bush]

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