“The Care and Feeding of Husbands” from what I have heard reminded me way too much of “Fascinating Womanhood”. My husband called the latter book “the joke book”. He said the common sense things are what any person wants. To be treated with respect. The issue is forcing oneself to do something because a book says so. A woman loses a lot of herself in trying to emulate being “the perfect wife”, resentment follows, and well the rest goes from there. Really it has to come from within. Then, it comes natural. Just keying in on the little things that make a spouse happy. With that focus instead of feeling a “have to”, it makes things easier. Of course, I am going through some crushed rubble right now, because of that previous resentment.
Hungarian, interesting thoughts. You are dead right about a woman submitting because she “has to.”
That said, all relationships are filled with acts that one wouldn’t ordinarily do, but does anyway because of a power dynamic, family relationship, or love.
Examples: a junior employee hates to do the menial tasks during a staff meeting but does it without complaining because it’s his job. An adult child hates to have to negotiate legal matters for his senile parents but does because of a sense of duty to his parents. A wife hates to cook a husband’s favorite ethnic meal but does, out of love, because it makes him happy. A husband hates to spend New Years at a fancy party, wearing a tuxedo, but does out of love for his wife.
These are all “have tos” yet few would argue they are unreasonable.
Now to the sensitive topics, like sex. Should a wife submit because her husband desires sex more? Ouch.
Personally, I think the issue with all the examples above is first respect (not necessarily love), and second power. In the work setting, the junior employee does the menial task. He either hates it and thinks for the umpteenth time, “I can’t wait to get a new job across town.” The power dynamic. If he thinks, “I dislike doing this but, then again, I am the most junior employee, and I really want the boss to be effective in the meeting,” then we have a power dynamic plus respect.
Perhaps the issue regarding sex between a reluctant wife and desiring husband is, the submission needs to be out of love and respect, with no power dynamic. I assume that if a woman does it our of fear, either physical fear or losing him to an affair, then the resentment is strong.
The harder thing for Mrs. Tom H to accept was not submitting to sex, but a comment from both the article and the book, that for the sake of the relationship, the first move belonged to the woman. There is flattery in such a thought — woman as the healer — but for a marriage with slow-burning resentment, you can imagine a hurt wife thinking, “why should I have to be the one to reach out?” A tough message. But both Flanagan, and to a greater extent Dr Laura, say that for the sake of the marriage the first move is the woman’s. Nancy Missler, in her books on marriage, says it even more strongly.
Such a message, not surprisingly, is vastly disturbing to the typical American woman today with a college education. Anything short of total and exact equality, much less submission, is verboten.
It’s not so difficult to accept if you’re a Christian, as we are. Both men and women are commanded to submit in humility. Then it becomes much easier. She submits to him on matters of sex. He submits to her on matters of love, and respect; also housework and honoring the things that are important to her. [If you’re married you know that men do not automatically do such.] Etc., etc.
I’m hoping these comments amplify yet don’t make you angry.
Good luck and God bless.