"Dear Parent:
This is to advise you that your child Ian is freakin' HUGE. Good heavens, what are you feeding him? An entire side of beef for dinner each night? Bacon on everything? Does that kid have to iron his pants in the driveway? We had to have his school ID picture taken from the space shuttle. At recess, he blocks out the sun and the other children are playing Sticky Wicket and stuff in the dark.
Just out of curiosity, how many buffet-style restaurants has he put out of business?
Love and kisses,
Ian's School"