Teenagers, Gratitude, and a Culture of Affluence

Front Porch Republic ^ | 23 June 2009 | Jeffrey Polet

[Publius804]

Teenagers, Gratitude, and a Culture of Affluence

Holland, MI. Like many readers, or perhaps more accurately, like many readers with children, I read with great interest Mark Mitchell’s piece on “Cultivating Gratitude [1].” As the father of three children I have long made such cultivation a central concern, but must confess only middling success in the endeavor. One of the central difficulties we face as parents is the paucity of tools we bring to the task. One of our main tools is the use of rhetoric, but at a certain point – oh, let’s say the teenage years – parental rhetoric loses a lot of its force. We have certainly used the more coercive tools at our disposal, especially the denial of privileges such as use of the car, but such denials can on occasion give rise to resentment, which may be thought of as the opposite of gratitude. So the problem remains: how do we break through the shell of entitlement and narcissism which seems typical of teenagers, especially contemporary teenagers, and help them realize they live in a world which owes them nothing, but to which they owe their diligent concern?

Our children have been raised in a world where our voices easily get lost in a cacophony of competing claims to their attentions. Our childhood TV characters repeatedly tell our children how special they are; our schools seem singularly directed toward building their self-esteem, or heightening their love of themselves; our politicians tell them they can be whatever they want to be; our entertainment-industrial complex reinforces the belief that any impulse of passion they have is self-justifying.

[NEMDF]

My experience has been that, at the point at which the rhetoric is converted to real-life by the children/teenagers, the lessons start to become ingrained. Key to the process is very clear communication of expectations (for behaviors, not for their future careers or achievements), and pointing out with some frequency behaviors that are not acceptable in your values set. This can be done by using examples of others' poor and good behavior choices, so the messages are not "personal" to one's own children unless necessary. And hard work, whether in school, sports, part-time jobs, volunteering - or a combination thereof - is a profound teacher.

[LearsFool]

Our childhood TV characters repeatedly tell our children how special they are; our schools seem singularly directed toward building their self-esteem, or heightening their love of themselves; our politicians tell them they can be whatever they want to be; our entertainment-industrial complex reinforces the belief that any impulse of passion they have is self-justifying.

It's difficult to compete with all that. So don't.

If your child takes a swig from a bottle of bleach, there are ways to counteract the poisonous effect. But wouldn't it be better to avoid the poison instead?

But no, we want to feed our kids on bleach and then jabber on about our ingenious ideas for counteracting it. "After all," we say, "there are some benefits to TV and school and entertainment."

Yeah, and bleach whitens the teeth.

[Niuhuru]

“It’s difficult to compete with all that. So don’t.”

Exactly. Let them crash and burn and go through a brutal awakening. It’s better this way.

[Crolis]

I’ve seen it written/said that it helpful to let kids make the small mistakes so they learn to avoid the big ones. Too much sheltering can lead to big negative consequences later on in life.

Of course, involved parents who aren’t trying to be the “best friend forever” to their kids helps a lot.

[LearsFool]

Exactly. Let them crash and burn and go through a brutal awakening. It’s better this way.

Please see my post #3.

[Professional Engineer]

Ping

[Vigilanteman]

My kids have turned out to be grateful, decent and kind. Neither the Mrs. nor I were perfect parents or even close. I attribute a lot of the way they turned out to having been raised in Japan until the youngest graduated from elementary school.

Socially, it was like the U.S.A. of 20-30 years ago. Listen in to what kids say they want to be when they grow up.

By and large, American kids aspire to be pro-football players, the president, entertainers and the CEO of a large corporation. Dreams are nice, but few have the ambition, drive and work ethic necessary to achieve those dreams. Then they blame society.

Ask Japanese kids the same question and, by and large, their ambitions are realistic. They want to become a policeman, own a pastry shop, be a nurse or an engineer. Most of them have the drive, ambition and work ethic to achieve or exceed these realistic goals. Sort of like the America I knew growing up.

Ronald Reagan's childhood ambition was to become a sportscaster for the Chicago Cubs. He achieved that and so much more.

[OneWingedShark]

> Ronald Reagan’s childhood ambition was to become a sportscaster for the Chicago Cubs. He achieved that and so much more.

I did not know that.

[Hoffer Rand]

If you want a real test of kids and gratitude, check out gift-giving. As a culture, we’ve become less grateful and less gracious. That’s part of where the whole concept of “gift receipts” comes in. I’ve spoken to countless aprents who spent tons of $$$ and time trying to find “perfect presents” for their kids for birthdays or Christmas, only to have the kid open the gift then say, “can I have the receipt for this?” Not even a “thank you.” Worse, the kids do this to other people who have given them gifts, too.

If one of my daughters had ever said something like that, they would have been picking body parts off the carpet for an hour. I taught them that even if it’s a gift you don’t necessarily want, somebody went out of their way to think of you and do something for you, and you will be grateful and gracious. Instead, we’ve got kids who think they’re entitled to their gifts, so they forget (or were never taught) to behave correctly.

It’s a big pet peeve of mine.

[Soothesayer]

It is a moral obligation to be grateful for life’s small gifts. However, I am not grateful for life itself. Who could be? That seems to be asking far too much.