Climategate's Stubborn Facts

AmericanThinker.com ^ | December 16, 2009 | By Dexter Wright

[JohnHuang2]

Mark Twain once said, "Get your facts first, then distort them as much as you please." By contrast, he also exclaimed, "How empty is theory in the presence of fact!" This pretty well covers the recent controversy over the altered global temperature data from Dr. Jones at East Anglia University in Great Britain.

What are the facts? Well for starters, scientists at the Smithsonian Institution tell us that during what is known as the Medieval Optimum, the Vikings were growing grapes in Greenland. An agronomist at Virginia Tech suggest that if you are planning to start a vineyard, the roots of the vines cannot be exposed to temperatures below 25oF or the vine will die. Even though there were no thermometers at the time of Eric the Red, this gives us a benchmark for reference. There are no vineyards in Greenland today because it is too cold. In fact, the Smithsonian reports that there is evidence which supports the theory that the Viking colonies later collapsed as a result of a dramatically cooling climate.

[JohnHuang2]

We're DOOOOOOOOMED!

As the U.N.'s global climate-control summit at Copenhagen enters the final stretch, climate scientists, citing the accurate and reliable data from the East Anglia Climate Research Unit, have issued new warnings that unless swift and aggressive action is taken by politicians to fine-tune the global climate for maximum comfort, which is really easy to do, catastrophic global warming will soon result, triggering mind-boggling, unimaginably hideous calamity, such as Helen Thomas going naked.

"Inaction will inevitably lead to menacing, Florida-like climate spreading throughout the world, depriving the planet of crippling blizzards, bitter cold temperatures and slippery icy roads," complained one delegate, speaking on condition of anonymity as he outlined the worst-case scenario. "Think of a world without crop-damaging frost -- that's the stark and unsettling future we face," he added.

Another delegate, also speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chilling prospect of "rapidly spreading, large nudist colonies of global warming activists."

Al Gore warned delegates on Monday that the North Pole, as early as 2014, could be free of Frosty the Snowman.

Meanwhile, huge divisions continued to plague the faltering U.N. climate conference, with one bloc of nations, mostly from Africa (south of the Equator) and South America, complaining bitterly that it's hot as hell back home right now. At a news conference, spokesmen for the group angrily accused the U.S., Canada and Europe of hogging all the Arctic cold weather for themselves.

Bolstering the group's complaints of inequitable distribution of cooler weather, scientists at the Climate Research Unit swiftly came to the group's defense, issuing a statement accusing Europe and North America of attempting to squelch debate and suppress or manipulate data in service of an ideological agenda. CRU experts vowed to make their raw data available, as soon as they locate their main computer's missing "undelete" key.

One solution to the inequality, backed by the G-77, a coalition of developing countries that includes China and India, is the transfer of hundreds of billions of dollars from rich countries to the G-77. To remedy the sweltering heat in South America and African nations south of the Equator, G-77 spokesman Byron Watt A. Skamm, of Antigua and Barbuda, urged the construction of a giant wind farm consisting of massive, solar-powered cooling fans in the North Sea to draw the cooler air southward. The mega-sized oscillating fans, to be stationed off the coast of Denmark, about 180 miles west of Copenhagen, would come equipped with state-of-the-art, programmable thermostatic switches wired directly to the Climate Research Unit's main computer.

"I don't understand what there is to complain about," Copenhagen mayor Bichael Mloomberg complained in an interview with the New York Times. The "mayor expressed puzzlement at [cooling fan] detractors," the Times reported. Some experts predict that the sight of hundreds of rotating steel blades noisily atop offshore platforms could become a major picturesque tourist attraction, with the same beautifying effect as turbine wind farm projects on the pristine prairie.

"You know, we see a lot of things. We see power lines, we see gas stations, we see trains going by loaded with coal. There's always something to see," the Times quoted the mayor as saying. But from Copenhagen, well west of the proposed site, the cooling fans would barely be visible, or "just tiny dots on a clear day," reports the Times.

Climate-control specialists at the Research Institute of Totally Settled Science estimated that the proposed wind farm, once up and running, would push down the average temperature south of the Equator by 0.000000002 degrees F., bringing reliable climate control and comfort to meet the needs of Southern Hemispheric nations, at a cost of only up to several billion dollars.

Yet, the same specialists were quick to point out that this still leaves unresolved the issue of global warming itself, which is believed to be caused by greenhouse gas emissions from spongy, saccular respiratory organs concealed in the chest cavity of Americans.

And, on that score, deepening divisions at the Copenhagen climate talks make increasingly unlikely a final deal on the shape and size of the negotiating table to sit and talk about the design of a new treaty to fix the climate. Even as time is running out before the planet bursts into flames, delegates from 123 permanently developing nations pulled out of the talks on Monday, complaining that the developed countries were attempting to kill the lifeless 1997 Kyoto treaty in its own grave. Five hours later, the permanently developing nations returned to the talks in response to promises of separate talks on continuing separate talks on continuation of the dead Kyoto treaty.

In addition to financing the building of cooling fans in the North Sea, developing nations want the developed world to pay them hundreds of billions of dollars per year for a binding treaty on fixing the overall lousy weather. Moreover, smaller countries want a Copenhagen pact adjusting the global average temperature for the year 2100 a half of a degree Celsius lower than larger countries want. But the accurate and reliable climate experts at CRU argue for a more ambitious temperature-setting goal, asserting that a final treaty must adjust the global average temperature for the year 2100 a full 1.9 degrees lower than the smaller countries are calling for. Or else, by the year 2525, man will not survive! We're DOOOOOOOOOMED, I tell ya! DOOOOOOOOOOMED! Merry Christmas!

Anyway, that's
My Two Cents worth of lame-o satire
"JohnHuang2"

[steelyourfaith]

 

Beam me to Planet Gore !

[Paratrooper]

In the 1960’s, central Florida from Orlando to Tampa was Orange grove to Orange grove. No longer there because the temperature changes brought colder weather which periodically killed the crops.

[laotzu]

Mark Twain once said...

"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or idiotic, can see that in the Old Oolitic Silurian Period, just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River was upwards of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And by the same token any person can see that seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of aldermen. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."