An Homage to Hummer - Comedian Penn Jillette laments the passing of the 'big, stupid' vehicle

The Wall Street Journal ^ | April 17, 2010 | Penn Jillette

[DogByte6RER]

An Homage to Hummer

Comedian Penn Jillette laments the passing of the 'big, stupid' vehicle

By PENN JILLETTE

There's a feeling one gets when one sits behind the wheel of a really big stupid military-lite American Hummer. You have that feeling of being strong and safe, high on your pleather throne, above the fray, above the danger, not having to listen to anyone or anything, the rumble of a too-big motor giving you a wiggle and jiggle and tickle inside you. You have the power to run over anyone else on the road, if they dare monkey with you and your Hummer. Don't tread on you. Kill one of ours, we'll kill 100 of yours. You're Arnold Schwarzenegger before he was a wimpy whining begging politician in a state where he has to smoke his cigars in a tent. Put the Hummer bumper against a small building, put the lead Terminator foot down on the Hummer pedal, and the Hummer will move that small building. The Hummer is the four-wheel "heavy metal thunder" that Steppenwolf (the band, not the book or the artsy Chicago theater company) sang about. The Hummer is "Born in the U.S.A.," not the ambivalence that Springsteen slid into the lyrics, but the "Born in the U.S.A." we all knew from the straightforward title and the 2 and 4 of the drums. Do you know that feeling?

I don't. I don't know that feeling at all. I got my Massachusetts driver's license the day I was legally able, but only so I could safely drive my mom's little Ford Falcon 100 miles to see Zappa and the Mothers of Invention in Boston. I like Steppenwolf, the band, the book and the artsy Chicago theater company.

[DogByte6RER]

"They came first for the Hummers.

Then they came for the pie."

I might be stupid, but I still like driving my H2.

[Sudetenland]

What a magnificent article.

[umgud]

You have that feeling of being strong and safe, high on your pleather throne, above the fray, above the danger, not having to listen to anyone or anything, the rumble of a too-big motor giving you a wiggle and jiggle and tickle inside you.

And the tingle going down your pantleg?

[umgud]

You have that feeling of being strong and safe, high on your pleather throne, above the fray, above the danger, not having to listen to anyone or anything, the rumble of a too-big motor giving you a wiggle and jiggle and tickle inside you.

And the tingle going down your pantleg?

[Kenny Bunk]

There is no room inside a Hummer for your legs, never mind the tingle.

Never could figure out how something this big had no, NONE I tell you, passenger room. However, I did have occasion to drive the Diesel version directly across country when the road in front of us was blocked.

2 miles over hill and dale, across streams, up muddy banks, through a swamp, through muddy fields, through heavy brush. No problem. Went through stuff that my horse would have had trouble with!

[benewton]

That was my impression of the Hummer also: large outside, nothing inside.

I’ll just have to live with my tiny diesel F350, I guess...

Too, I will NOT buy government motors vehicles.

So, a loser from all points of view!

[redheadtoo]

I could safely drive my mom's little Ford Falcon

I began my driver's training in my mother's Falcon. It had a choke in it. I never did figure out what the choke was for. By the time I had my license Mom had a Ford Maverick.

[umgud]

They didn’t have these when I was in the Army, but I’ve spent some time in the military version since and you’re right, they have no more passenger room than the venerable jeep.

[668 - Neighbor of the Beast]

Last time I car shopped, I looked at Hummers. Not just ugly things, but doggone it, when I want to look like I’m driving an armored vehicle, I’ll get a real one.
Plus, the Hummer practically came with a bullhorn hollering “Follow me home where there’s more luxury items if this is too hard to steal.”
YMMV, but I’m not inclined to be conspicuous.

[MarkL]

Never could figure out how something this big had no, NONE I tell you, passenger room. However, I did have occasion to drive the Diesel version directly across country when the road in front of us was blocked.

The "original" Hummer, ie not the H2 or H3, has some VERY cool hardware, but it intrudes on the "creature comforts." It's designed for utility, and passengers are a secondary consideration.

IIRC, it's got satellite reduction gears in the final drives, which gives it a top speed of around 85 MPH or so, the drive shafts and brake disks are all inboard, reducing unsprung weight and protecting them from possible damage, but they intrude on passenger space.

Mark

[Kenny Bunk]

Mark-o, IMHO, there was some slight excuse for the original Diesel Hummer with that awesome off-road gearing, but as for the gasoline-powered yuppie version, fuggedaboutit. Gimme a Geländerwagen any time.

[Yardstick]

Was a little worried there for a second, but then Penn turned the corner and made the right point.

[thecodont]

” We need to protect other people’s stupid to save freedom for all of us.”

[Iron Munro]

This brings back fond memories of that pre-Obama place known as America, where people enjoyed personal freedom without being castigated by their self appointed betters or punished by government watchdogs hiding behind every federally protected snail-darter mudhole ....

You could do, or not do, something because you wanted to, even if others considered it foolish, wasteful or not to their taste.

You could buy a big car or a small car, an ugly car or a chrome plated behemouth, as long as you earned the money to do so.
You could buy health insurance or not.
Or you could just go to the doctor and pay the bill with cash you earned.

Everything didn't have to fit into the socialist, racially sensative model. Your every act didn't have to contribute in some way to the Obama Wealth Distribution plan or be measured for its impact on the moocher class or the greenie revolution. And it didn't have to meet with the approval of the behavioral Nazis and a myriad of Federal government alphabet agencies.

[Kenny Bunk]

This brings back fond memories of that pre-Obama place known as America,

And then JFK stole the Presidency. Double Black Diamonds Downhill from there, Munro. Obama is Double Black Diamonds with Skull-and-Crossbones, IOW, now, after LBJ, Jimmy,Billy, the Bush RINO Comedy Team, and The Magic Marxist Mulatto, we're off the trail, in the rocks, toward the cli........