I don't blame you at all. You've been tormented, as we all have, by two different "engines" running in opposite directions: the engine of "doctrine" and the engine of "discipline."
Catholic doctrines ( as taught, for instance, in the Catechism) are correct and wholesome and intellectually splendid and blessedly coherent; Catholic discipline has been, overall, and for the term of my entire lifetime, wretched.
That means that anybody can say anything, no matter how distorted or mistaken, and not face even a nominal rebuke from those who have the authority to do so: I'm talking about bishops, the principal "supervisors" of the Church.
As a result, well-meaning people both within and outside of the Church are baffled or disgusted.
The Bishops are not using the authority which is rightly theirs,as the New Testament says, "to bind and to loose," to "correct, rebuke and encourage," to communicate where they can, and excommunicate where they must.
And where we do have good shepherds --- my own bishop, Richard Stika of Knoxville, is a good one; Benedict XVI the Bishop of Rome is a very good one --- they face the incessant opposition of the wolves within the fold: you could well say, "wolves in shepherds' clothing."
I have hope, because I am convinced that God still wears the crown in this Church--- though it's a crown of thorns. It's an active battle, and it's going on right now, a battle with no neutrals: every person will ultimately have to go beyond "observing": every person will have to get in there and fight.
Thank you for your thoughtful post - it is very helpful in comprehending what appears - again to an outsider - a confused and confusing agitation of oil and water concepts and propositions. This is particularly helpful to understanding the discordant image of lay Catholics so visibly and effectively defending life, while some allegedly Catholic politicians are relentless in fomenting what Pope John Paul II identified as the “Culture of Death”. Pelosi and Kennedy notoriously come to mind, but like the possession of the Gadarene swine, their name is legion.
Happily, we know that in the end the wheat is gathered in and the tares are burned.
Again, thank you for your kind clarification.