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All right, now you've done it. I wuz keeping it pent up inside but I have to say it now. It's about...no, not importunate cultural Nazis laying guilt trips on everyone because it gives them control of the discourse. Nosirree, nor is it about the sanctimonious Greenies who ride bikes screaming "I'm not stopping traffic, I AM traffic" and then they veer onto the sidewalk to where I suppose they think they're the pedestrians they're running over too, no, not them either. Not the smiling politicians who vomit vague inanities like they're received truth, no, those guys run right off my back. What gets to me, what pushes me over that last little gravelly edge into the cliff fall of insanity is the miserbobble sumbitch who I politely thank for doing something for me that it's his job to do anyway, like filling my water glass in a restaurant or topping off my magazine when the zombies are swarming, and what does he say? What does that stupid, supercilious traitor to everything that is right about politesse say to me to totally ruin the occasion, huh? What does he say, huh? Huh?

"No problem."

Well of COURSE it isn't a problem, you brachycephalic cretin! A PROBLEM? Hell NO it isn't a problem, it's your gotdang JOB, you moron! Problem? Problem? AHHHHHHH!!!

I mean, a simple "you're welcome" would have served the purposes of discourse perfectly well, easing the social transaction into the arena of adulthood with the unstated but vital structure of mutual respect and a sense of boundary. But no, it has to be "No problem." You want a problem, punk? HUH? YOU WANT A PROBLEM??!? I'LL GIVE YOU A PROBLEM!!!" And in truth no one on the grand jury would blame me for ventilating that miserable specimen's torso with eighteen new belly buttons. Well, they didn't, anyway. The judge said never to let it happen again except if it was in a Starbucks where he figgered it was understandable anyway.

No problem, huh, you bastidges? I gotcher problem RIGHT HERE!

Oh, and as long as I'm venting I don't like service stations that charge you for air either. I mean what the hell, AIR?

I had two brothers. The one who is now in a better life used to say “No problem” all the time.

Make no mistake, he was fully aware of the non-subtleties you have pointed out about the phrase. He used it to emphasize the fact that whatever he was doing for the other person ~was~ a problem. Usually a damn big problem.

But for some reason, that brachycephalic cretin seemed to think he was entitled to some service that was a gross imposition at best and utterly rude at worst.

“No problem” actually meant (to my brother) “You’re a colossal pain in the ass, but I’m going to be the better man about this and pretend to make a civil response.”

Now ..... I’m not saying that the folks you’re running into are quite that convoluted in their reasoning, nor that you would ever so much as border on being “a problem” to someone serving you.

I use the phrase myself sometimes .......