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Well gosh FRiends, I never expected that sort of praise and I thank you sincerely for it.

Let me see what I can do here as we approach Midnight Eastern Time ...

"Sheriff Joe gave the signal to kick in the door of the motel room next door to where the now decaying body of the late Bill Maher had been found, and BAM!, Deputies of the Cold Case Posse found themselves facing what had to be one of the most frightening and disgusting sights ever to be seen by any law enforcement agent:

Illuminated only by the sputtering fluorescent bulbs hanging loosely from the sputum spattered mirror of an old 50's style oak dresser, were two more bodies, corpulent from both their obesity and the post mortem swelling of their flacid extremities, and what made the sad tableau even more nauseating were both the identities and the positions of the bodies, yes one was indeed that of the fraudulent wannabe man-of-the-people cinematographer, the late Michael Moore, appearing to have put on at least another 100 lbs before his date with the Grim Reaper, his hands and forearms were stained with the bright orange cheese dust found only with genuine Frito-Lay(c) Cheetos, and a large 3 gallon tub of the popular snack food sat half empty between Moore's grotesque and rotting thighs...

...Sheriff Joe, walking solemnly into the putrid little room, saw his seasoned investigators cringing and trying to avert their gazes, and he could see why: not only was there an empty syringe jammed into Moore's arm, there was another syringe poking out from the vein of the elbow of the body next to Moore, not quite equally rotund as the fat Michigan faker, but certainly just as offensive in death as she had been in life, it was the former head of the Department of Homeland Security herself, Janet Incompetentano, her carefully coiffed hair now pointed in all directions, highlighted by what at first appeared to be sparkles, but was in fact the same Cheetos dust coating Michael Moore's hands and arms, one hardened veteran investigator gasped in pure terror, "oh my GOD, those two were actually..." his voice trailing off, Sheriff Joe nodded grimly and said "Yep, no more boom-boom for Madame Fatso, that's for damn sure" and as they turned the doorknob of the bathroom door, they found themselves all shocked even beyond their most nightmarish expectations, as they found...

...the former Attorney General, yes, Eric Witholder, in obscene clown greasepaint, barely alive, with shallow breaths, clutching a stained file folder marked 'F&F Accounts Receivables', and inside? An unsealed plastic bag which was immediately recognized by the narcotics specialists as 'Mexican tar heroin', Sheriff Joe grabbed the half alive former 0bama official by the lapels and said "you better talk fast, and you better tell the truth, because you're not long for this world", and in half babbles, the mustachioed maniac said "It was a drug running operation! The Mexicans let this tar heroin walk into America, so we could trace where it goes, and find out what veins it got injected into! It was a perfectly planned investigation!" his voice trailing off into incoherence and muttered refrains from a Coco Puffs cartoon commercial, Sheriff Joe let out a deep breath and said "well you silly bastard, you managed to trace that smack right into the veins of three more people, two in the next room, and that dead excuse for a talk show host next door."

The sun was starting to rise as Sheriff Joe and his investigators finally began to finish up at the crime scene, an early morning rain mercifully began to pour down on the dilapidated little 'Lil' Imgrant Motel', the Sheriff said "we've got all we need here, open the windows and leave the doors open, Mother Nature will do a better job of cleaning up this crap than 100 illegal janitors."

He turned to Chuck Norris, who said "THIS has been a helluva night!"

~ finis