Posted on 07/25/2012 7:56:57 AM PDT by marktwain
If I was the editor of Andrew Dys, the columnist who wrote this turgid prose (and I use turgid in the sense of “abnormally distended especially by fluids or gas”), I would have slapped that fool until his nose bled, and sent him back to the minors.
Some of his more tooth gnashing writings:
“The pale fluorescent lights of the historic old Chester County Courthouse gleamed off the black barrel.”
Geez, that sounds right out of a 1950s detective pulp fiction novel.
“The darkness of that barrel stood out, even in a courtroom packed with more than 90 people there to see what happens when guns with long black barrels are fired.”
Arrgh. Just Arrgh.
“His name was Touna Xiong. Pronounced, simply, as “Tuna Song.”
‘That’s *Mister* Tuna Song to you, buddy.’
“The song, clearly Tuesday in that courtroom for everybody involved, was a lament.”
Are you sure? It might very well be the Tuna Song Polka.
“More than 25 Hmong family and friends sat there and looked at the gun that killed Xiong.”
Gun-gazing. It’s a Hmong thing. They just sit there.
“No matter what happens, Xiong, 33, a naturalized American, left three children and a wife and dreams. No, four children were left: His wife was pregnant when Xiong died in the dark from a rifle that holds four bullets and was shot at him from 118 feet away, from up a hill, where Hawkins was at a hunting tent with his young son.”
‘As the haunting sounds of the migrating loons could be heard in the next state over, as if foretelling this years NASCAR finals, well before the sorghum harvest.’
Aiiieeegghh! (SLAP! SLAP SLAP!)
“Three shots were fired, testimony showed. At what, supposedly, was a deer.”
At least he didn’t write “allegedly”.
“All those lives, affected and in the balance, because of the use of that gun. Or the alleged misuse of a gun, in three fired shots around 6:50 p.m. right before dark, using what was described as a gas-powered, semi-automatic 30 caliber rifle made to hunt deer.”
This is my rifle and this is my gun. This one’s for hunting and this one’s for Hmong.
“That rifle, huge and long and clearly deadly is why all these people were there Tuesday.”
‘Huge and long and clearly deadly, the gun from Ipanema is Hmonging.’
“This was not a crime of heinous violence like the guns that killed so many in Colorado on Friday by a violent criminal, but a gun that killed, certainly.”
“... pertinent to a crime SO heineous...”
“no.”
“hienious?”
“no!”
“I think it’s pronounced ‘henous’!”
“NO! Ladies and gentlemen, I have it right here: “hyenas. Any of a family of cowardly, carnivorous beast of Asia and Africa.”
—(from The Kentucky Fried Movie)
“...before cutting the spinal cord into spaghetti.”
I make-a you the spaghetti,
And-a pizza that’s good to chew,
You no like-a me hey!
Thatsamadda for you!
— (Bugs Bunny)
“The elected prosecutor for Chester County, Doug Barfield, held up that gun at least seven times, for several witnesses. The gun was talked about, looked at, held.”
As I was going to St. Ives, I held a gun up seven times.
“The gun was the sole reason anybody was there Tuesday...”
The trial had nothing to do with it.
“You look through the sight onto your target and pull the trigger,” testified David Black, the SLED weapons expert who testified that in his opinion, after testing, the gun in court fired the bullets found in the case. “The firing pin hits the cartridge, detonates the gunpowder, and the expanding gases force out the bullet.”
“He did not shout out the “Boom” that all know comes: The gunshot.”
What is the sound of a columnist/journalist thrown out of a high rise window? I bet an expert would testify that it’s sort of an “AAAAIIIEEEEGGGGHHH! sound, followed by a splooshy sort of splat sound, in his expert opinion.
Because, of course, nobody knows what happens when somebody is thrown out of a high rise window. Or when a gun fires.
Oh man... you really wrote that?
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