“In every new situation, I have to start over from the beginning as if none of it ever happened — because I am a woman. I reallly, really thought it would be better by now.”
I suspect that the expansion of programs benefiting women is the reason why people assume that; only when those programs end will you be treated on your merits. Sad but true.
You are correct. In the long run, affirmative action hurts society more than it helps.
Someone wise once said, with regard to new technology, "Never be a first adopter." Meaning wait until the bugs are out to buy a tech innovation. But it's also true in social change. The molecules on the front edge of the razor are the ones that get worn away.