ALL THE NEWS THAT'S SH-T TO PRINT
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Globies: Time to get hands dirty
by Howie Carr
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I have next to nothing in common with the pampered pukes of Morrissey Boulevard — I went to a state college, I’m not in the Social Register, I don’t have a trust fund, I wasn’t born and raised on Park Avenue, I never summered in the Hamptons.
Still, I feel sorry for the bow-tied bumkissers. The worst thing about their impending journey to the “slaughterhouse” is that most of them are helpless like a rich man’s child, to quote Bob Dylan. After college, Mumsy or Pater just made one telephone call to dear cousin Pinch, and suddenly they were writing puff pieces on Barney Frank.
They’d finally found a simpatico mini-People’s Republic where everyone could address one another as “Comrade” while owning a summer cottage in Provincetown. But now political correctness is trumped by a brutally bad economy, presided over by the incompetent Harvard hacks the Globe has been shamelessly touting for decades. How ironic — their candidates won, and now they’re losing … their jobs.
It would take a heart of stone not to laugh.
Comrades, it’s time to look for a real job. Here are a few tips:
Lose the bow tie, ditto the ascot.
When applying for any newspaper (or PR) job, it’s important to include clippings with up-to-date headlines like “Gas prices rise 20 cents in week.” Oh, sorry, I forgot, the Globe doesn’t run stories about rising gas prices. It might reflect poorly on Dear Leader.
Never confide to a prospective employer that you crib some of your best stuff from Todd Domke’s column on wbur.org.
Don’t bother calling cousin John Forbes Kerry about a job. He’s already hired a former Globe “reporter.” Or should I say that for the first time Liveshot is paying a Globe rumpswab to flack for him, instead of the way they’ve traditionally done it, for free.
If you decide to include in your clippings a story about Elizabeth Warren, make sure it includes the de rigueur references to her early life on “the jagged edge of the middle class,” her parents’ “elopement” and of course the Globe’s favorite fable, that “if elected, she would become the first Native-American woman ever elected to the U.S. Senate.”
When they ask you about Scott Brown, angrily spit out that he’s a “phony.” (Unlike, say, the first Native-American woman ever elected to the U.S. Senate.)
If someone in HR asks you what you learned at the Globe, tell them the truth: “There is no such thing as a bad illegal alien or a good straight white male.”
I read in your rag yesterday that the Times has no plans to “ruin” the Globe. Even a Globe reporter can figure out what that means. Good luck, comrades. You’ll need it.
Globies: Time to get hands dirty
by Howie Carr
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I have next to nothing in common with the pampered pukes of Morrissey Boulevard — I went to a state college, I’m not in the Social Register, I don’t have a trust fund, I wasn’t born and raised on Park Avenue, I never summered in the Hamptons.
Still, I feel sorry for the bow-tied bumkissers. The worst thing about their impending journey to the “slaughterhouse” is that most of them are helpless like a rich man’s child, to quote Bob Dylan. After college, Mumsy or Pater just made one telephone call to dear cousin Pinch, and suddenly they were writing puff pieces on Barney Frank.
They’d finally found a simpatico mini-People’s Republic where everyone could address one another as “Comrade” while owning a summer cottage in Provincetown. But now political correctness is trumped by a brutally bad economy, presided over by the incompetent Harvard hacks the Globe has been shamelessly touting for decades. How ironic — their candidates won, and now they’re losing … their jobs.
It would take a heart of stone not to laugh.
Comrades, it’s time to look for a real job. Here are a few tips:
Lose the bow tie, ditto the ascot.
When applying for any newspaper (or PR) job, it’s important to include clippings with up-to-date headlines like “Gas prices rise 20 cents in week.” Oh, sorry, I forgot, the Globe doesn’t run stories about rising gas prices. It might reflect poorly on Dear Leader.
Never confide to a prospective employer that you crib some of your best stuff from Todd Domke’s column on wbur.org.
Don’t bother calling cousin John Forbes Kerry about a job. He’s already hired a former Globe “reporter.” Or should I say that for the first time Liveshot is paying a Globe rumpswab to flack for him, instead of the way they’ve traditionally done it, for free.
If you decide to include in your clippings a story about Elizabeth Warren, make sure it includes the de rigueur references to her early life on “the jagged edge of the middle class,” her parents’ “elopement” and of course the Globe’s favorite fable, that “if elected, she would become the first Native-American woman ever elected to the U.S. Senate.”
When they ask you about Scott Brown, angrily spit out that he’s a “phony.” (Unlike, say, the first Native-American woman ever elected to the U.S. Senate.)
If someone in HR asks you what you learned at the Globe, tell them the truth: “There is no such thing as a bad illegal alien or a good straight white male.”
I read in your rag yesterday that the Times has no plans to “ruin” the Globe. Even a Globe reporter can figure out what that means. Good luck, comrades. You’ll need it.