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Wanna hear a “hold muh beer story?”

So I’m heli boarding at 15-16k feet for a couple of days in Valle Nevado, outside of Santiago, Chile.

My guide happens to be in charge of avalanche destruction. Weird designation.

So anyway, we are all drunk as hell one night and he asks if I want to go looking for avalanches in the morning.

Uhm, Fk yeah....

I have no idea what avalanche searching is but, I show up at the helipad in the morning. He’s freaking late.

So I’m standing there thinking “My head feels like someone’s been pounding on it and I need a cup of coffee”.

So this late Frenchman suddenly appears with a cup of joe in both of his mittens.

He says some crap in French, I respond in Espanol(I’m in Fricing Chile) and he suddenly starts speaking duh spanish.

Anyway, he hands me a cup of coffee and we jump the helicopter.

I’m like “I don’t think one cup’s gonna do it”}

So we start ascending and my headache is getting worse.

He starts telling me to look for avalanches. WTF??? How am I suppose to tell what they look like from up above?

So he starts talking his French jibberish and reverting to Spanish at times.

Frickin _A-hole. I speak both but, I’m thinking “Pick one. My head is killing me.”

So all of a sudden the copter swings left and then right. In some weird circle that made my head swim.

The pilot of the copter and Bebe’, the crazy azz Frenchman, start speaking to each other and I can’t understand Krap!!!

Fk me, they speaking Brazilian! Okay, Portuguese. Whatever.

I make out a few words and this crazy azz French Man lights up a cigarette!@!!1

No big deal, right?

Well, it’s a big deal to me, as I recognize there is a box of dynomite next to us.

You soopit, Freakin, French man! Prolly from the Monmarte! Paris!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So this idiot is smoking away and saying all kind uh crap to me.

What? Did he say? How the hell would I know?

All heard was white noise as I watched this suicide bomber, from France, smoking away, laughing his azz off, at whatever the hell he was saying and drinking coffee!

So this mthrfkr grabs a stick and puts the end of cigarrette to the fuse. He says something about a shelf, starts laughing and just about the time I think we are going to blow up he throws this boom stick into the snow and grabs the back my head, pointing to some place in the snow “Watch!! Luke!! Luke!!!”

All of a sudden I saw this blast of white puff, felt this sonic boom over my face and heard BOOM!!!

Smile much?

Hell, I mustuh looked like the KoolAid man.

So, he hands me a stick of this bad day if wrong stuff and starts with “Blah, frickin, blah”.

I have no idea what this moron is saying but, he says something about safety, nothing bad is going to happen and have a good time.

Next thing I know he starts screaming and pointing to some spot in the distant white, of what, I sure don’t know.

I start a cigaratte and as I’m puffing away he grabs the back of my neck and tells me “you’re making it safe for the mountain and for everyone”.

Dick!

Get your hands off me!

I’m smoking next to a box of dynamite and it feels like you are trying to throw me out the door.

Throw there! Throw There!

I toss the stick where he is pointing and ....BOOM!!! SHAKA LAKA....BOOM!!!

Wider eyes, bigger grin....I ain’t felt since.

He starts shaking me and we are laughing our butts offs.

Bitchin!

I spend the next three days doing avalanche patrol

I’ll never forget it.

Coffee, cigarettes, Kaboom!!! From a freakin helicopter....