Skip to comments.PETER LUCAS: Obama's D-Day (satire)
Posted on 06/16/2014 9:23:26 AM PDT by afraidfortherepublic
Here is a transcript of the trans-Atlantic telephone conversation that would have taken place between General Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower, commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force, and President Barack Obama on the eve of the Normandy Invasion, June 6, 1944. Friday is the 70th anniversary of the landing.
President Obama: General, are you sure we are doing the right thing by going ahead with this invasion?
Ike: It's too late to turn back now.
Obama: I should have flown to Berchtesgaden and talked with Mr. Hitler. Or at least called.
Ike: He won't take your calls.
Obama: OK, Ike. But listen, my speech writers have gone over your proposed pre-invasion remarks to our brave troops. We have a problem with parts of you speech.
Ike: What's the problem?
Obama: Well, you say the Allied forces are about to embark on "a great crusade."
Obama: We think the term "crusade" might be offensive to our Muslim friends. You know, reminding them of the awful Crusades of the Middle Ages.
Obama: Not that I'm a Muslim, even though I grew up in Indonesia. I'm a Christian -- an Episcopalian, or Baptist, or something. I just know a lot of Muslims. Islam is a religion of peace. Everyone knows that. Didn't you read my Cairo speech?
Ike: No, I was busy fighting the Nazis in North Africa.
Obama: North Africa? I'm not sure we should be invading countries like that just because they don't like us. We should partner with them, use international law, build coalitions, use diplomacy, food stamps and EBT cards and, as a last resort, draw a red line in the sand, before we nail them with economic sanctions.
Ike: Mr. President, North Africa is a region, not a country .
Obama: I know that.
Ike: Besides, we also just invaded Sicily and Italy.
Obama: I read about that in the Washington Post this morning. Nobody told me. Just like nobody told me our brave Marine Corpse is fighting the Japanese in the Pacific.
Ike: It's Marine Corps, not Corpse.
Obama: I know that. I am, after all, the commander in chief, just like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. And I was elected to end wars, not to start them.
Ike: Mr. President, we didn't start this war. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.
Obama: Don't tell me about Pearl Harbor. I grew up in Hawaii, remember? We used to dive for pearls in Pearl Harbor when we were not getting high in high school. High in high school, get it?
Ike: I was at West Point.
Obama: I know West Point. I make speeches there. Nobody claps. I don't think they like black folks. Anyway, your speech to the troops needs work. You should not be telling the soldiers that the "hopes and prayers" of liberty-loving people are with them. Hope is all right. We believe in hope and change. But as a president who taught constitutional law, I think mentioning prayer is going too far, given the separation of church and state and all that.
Ike: The troops take comfort in believing in God, Mr. President. Every combat unit going into Normandy Beach has a chaplain with it.
Obama: Yes, and we are going to have to do something about that. Also, you are really putting me in a difficult position when you say, "We will accept nothing less than full victory" over Germany. That boxes me in. I need you to rewrite that to say that we need a "responsible" end to the war, not total victory. That's not the way we end wars these days. A negotiated settlement would be even better. I need you to say something about women, too.
Obama: Yes. Your opening is terrible. You say, "Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force." What about the women? And gays, and transgenders? Your personal driver, Kate Summersby, is a woman, right?
Ike: You leave her out of this.
Obama: All right, don't get touchy. I know you're married. I was just making a point. I just think we should not have too easy of a victory. We don't want to embarrass the Germans. I may have to negotiate and partner with them later. We have to make them like us.
Ike: You can't negotiate with tyrants, terrorists and war criminals.
Obama: I do it all the time. As we used to say at the faculty lounge: War is a criminal enterprise, and we are all war criminals. Our soldiers are victims as well. That is why I don't want any signing ceremonies aboard battleships or aircraft carriers when this is over. There is nothing to celebrate.
Ike: How do you know so much about war?
Obama: I watch war movies. We used to dissect them during class breaks in the faculty lounge. War movies are hell, but I do love them so. There are no victors in war, only losers.
Ike: Are you calling me a loser?
Obama: Not yet. But I will if you lose at Normandy. I'm not taking the blame. You'll take the fall. You see, everything is political. And I know you're a closet Republican who wants to run for president.
Peter Lucas' political column appears Tuesday and Friday. Email him at email@example.com.
Barry doesn’t look 15 years old in that picture.
You’re right but he’s not supposed to.
Wasn’t he born in 1972?
I mean 1962?
I’ll try again... ...1961.