Classic Baseball Writing: "99 Reasons Why Baseball is Better Than Football"

The Heart of the Order (New York: Doubleday, 1990) | First published: January 1987 | Thomas Boswell

[BluesDuke]

Glossary of the baseball nicknames alluded to:

Blue Moon: John (Blue Moon) Odom, a pitcher for the 1970s Oakland A's.
Catfish: Hall of Famer Jim (Catfish) Hunter.
Spaceman: Bill Lee, the pitcher/philosophicker/wit of the 1970s Boston Red Sox.
Sugar Bear: Utility infielder-outfielder Larvell Blanks.
The Human Rain Delay: Mike Hargrove, player in the 1970s/1980s, pennant-winning Cleveland Indians manager of the 1990s; now manages the Baltimore Orioles. (He got the nickname for taking time out after every pitch when he batted.)
Charlie Hustle: Pete Rose (though this would be modified, as of 1989, to Charlie Hustler).
Steady Eddie: Future Hall of Fame first baseman Eddie Murray.
The Candy Man: John Candelaria, a lanky pitcher on the "Fam-i-lee" Pittsburgh Pirates.
Puff the Magic Dragon: Graig Nettles, the long-ball hitting, vacuum-cleaning third baseman for the Yankee pennant teams of the late 1970s.
The Wizard of Oz: Who else? San Diego/St. Louis shortstop acrobat Ozzie Smith.
Tom Terrific: Hall of Fame pitcher Tom Seaver. (Also known, in his years with the Mets, as The Franchise.)
Doggie: Tony Perez, perhaps the real soul of the legendary Big Red Machine.
Kitty Kat: Pitcher/commentator Jim Kaat.
Oil Can: Ill-fated Boston Red Sox pitcher Dennis (Oil Can) Boyd.

Now...Enjoy!!! For the winter of our malcontent is about to swallow us. But the good news is, once tonight's World Series game is over, spring training is a mere three months away.

[Husker24]

College football is better then either NFL or baseball.

[BluesDuke]

*Bump for the National Pastime!*

[BluesDuke]

College football is better then either NFL or baseball.

Horse hockey!

[sonofatpatcher2]

I live near Dallas. We don't have much fun now that the Cowboys are on hard times. BTW, what is baseball?

[BluesDuke]

BTW, what is baseball?

A game, as opposed to an organised gang war.

[RussP]

Baseball highlight are a dud: some guy tees off, a ball flies into the stands, and a guy jogs around the bases. He could just walk around the bases for that matter. That's exciting? How many times can you guys watch the same damn thing over and over again?

BTW, I grew up playing and watching baseball, but then I grew up.

[upchuck]

Hey, if you think the Super Bowl is next weekend, you really DON'T know anything about NFL football, do you?

Baseball needs three things to become interesting:
1. A shot clock; say, no more than 15 seconds between pitches.
2. A defined number of time outs. A small number, like 5 per game.
3. No calling the game on weather. If football can be played in the rain and snow and ice, why not baseball? What a bunch of pussies!

I have to admit, though, this latest World Series was sorta interesting.

From an original (as in: from day one) Dallas Cowboys fan.

[BluesDuke]

Baseball highlight are a dud: some guy tees off, a ball flies into the stands, and a guy jogs around the bases. He could just walk around the bases for that matter. That's exciting? How many times can you guys watch the same damn thing over and over again?

Well, if all you bother to watch are the highlights, small wonder you think (erroneously) that baseball is unexciting. Had you been watching the World Series just concluded, you would have believed anything but.

[just wondering]

One reason why football is better than baseball....Kurt Warner!

[2Trievers]

And George goes on ... Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And, as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. And maybe how those values have changed over the last 150 years. For those reasons I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.	Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!	Football is played on a GRIDIRON, in a STADIUM, sometimes called SOLDIER FIELD or WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.	Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying.
In football you wear a helmet	In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs. "What down is it?	Baseball is concerned with ups. "Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up! He's up!"
In football you recieve a penalty.	In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.	In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness.	Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...can't see the game, don't know if there is a game going on; mud on the field...can't read the uniforms, can't read the yard markers, the struggle will continue!	In baseball if it rains, we don't go out to play. "I can't go out! It's raining out!"
Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch.	Football has the two-minute warning
Baseball has no time limit: "We don't know when it's gonna end!"	Football is rigidly timed, and it will end "even if we have to go to sudden death."
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling. Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness.	In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being

 

And finally, the objectives of the the two games are completely different:

 

In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his recievers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! "I hope I'll be safe at home!"

[BluesDuke]

Hey, if you think the Super Bowl is next weekend, you really DON'T know anything about NFL football, do you?

You might consider noting the original date of publication. Next question.

[Alabama_Wild_Man]

"...College football is better then either NFL or baseball..."
===================================

This One Speaks the Truth !!

College Football is the Only remaining sport that 'Pride' can ever be considered as part of the game.
In 'Pro (Insert Game here)'....money has taken over almost every aspect of 'Pro (Copy Name of Game Here).

[BluesDuke]

One reason why football is better than baseball....Kurt Warner!

Twenty reasons why baseball is better than football: Sandy Koufax. Lefty Grove. Bob Gibson. Juan Marichal. Christy Mathewson. Whitey Ford. Roger Clemens. Randy Johnson. Walter Johnson. Greg Maddux. Dan Quisenberry (may his soul rest in peace). Jim Palmer. Nolan Ryan. Warren Spahn. Steve Carlton. Elroy Face. Hoyt Wilhelm. Rollie Fingers. Robin Roberts. Ferguson Jenkins. (Just for openers...)

[BluesDuke]

God bless him, but I think George left one out:

Football has sudden death. Baseball goes to extra innings.

[RonDog]

Thanks for posting this, 2T!

IMHO, Carlin was blasting baseball as game for wimps, so characterizing his analysis as PRO-baseball is in error.

[RussP]

I tuned in just in time to see the winning run driven in. Looked like a bloop hit to me. What a dud of a way to decide the winner of the World Series.

I actually think baseball could be a lot more exciting. That's not saying much, of course, but what the heck. I'd start by doing something to reduce the number of home runs. Watching guys trot around the bases is a complete and utter DUD.

Watching a guy slide into third base or home plate on a close play, on the other hand, is exciting -- but it hardly ever happens. The field needs to be bigger, or the ball needs to be softened up or something. Whatever it takes to make those overpaid bastards RUN instead of trot around the bases!

You never see football players trotting -- unless the play is over. And the trotting is certainly NOT the highlight.

[Nate505]

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

[Nate505]

For the 20 of you that don't know, I did not come up with that. It is a classic George Carline routine.