US FARM SERVICE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
US FOREST SERVICE: You have a bull and a cow. You want to milk one, but you're not sure which. You hire a biologist to study it. She purchases a barn to hold the stock, goes to training in civil rights, becomes the union rep, and has no time to study the animals. Since your timber people have no work, you detail a forester to study them. After careful measurements, Forester concludes that at the current rate of manure accumulation, the building will be full of manure before he retires. The forester assigns the fire crew to fence a pasture and to clean manure out of the barn. The supervisor intervenes, and requires NEPA to be done on the fencing and on the manure disposal. Meanwhile, the cow calves, and B&F folks increase the overhead tap on the cow department. An environmental group files protest over the increased grazing, and the cows are advertised as surplus. Two of the cows are surplused to the BLM and the remaining cow, since it is a single remaining specimen is designated a threatened species and given protection. Three new biologists are hired to prepare a recovery plan for the species. All other work is halted on the forest pending adoption of the plan. Public wonders who's taking care of the trees, and congress ponders merging BLM and Forest Service.
US BLM: You have two cows. Forest Service gives you two more. Four cows is too much for the existing organization to manage, so you immediately prepare a management plan. The plan allows 3.5 cows to graze for 3 non-contiguous months of the year. The cows are given to a rancher, who is allowed to graze them on his allotment for $1.25 per head per month for a net income of $15 per year. A range management specialist is hired to track the two cows, and two students are financed to study the effect of the two cows on the range for their masters thesis'. Net cost, with overhead, is $155,000 per year. This is a return on the ranchers money of $10,000 to 1, so it is a good deal for the country. The rancher gets confused on how to graze 3.5 cows when he actually has four, and fails to pull them off of the range for the intervening months between his alternating three month schedule. The BLM hires 10 out of state wranglers to round up the cows, confiscates them and sells them at the local sale yard. The net proceeds pay off 10% of the roundup costs. The missing cows now results in underutilization of three employees and the affected range, so you ask Forest Service for more cows. President declares a national monument of the cow grazing site.
US SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION: You have one cow. You have the cow bred, expecting that the increase of one cow per year, with corresponding increases in that offspring will eventually allow you to retire comfortably. Congress notes that BLM is short on cows, and is asking Forest Service to share theirs. Congress reassigns cows from you to BLM as fast as they're born. When it's time to retire, you're short on funds and ask congress what to do. Congress inventories your cow, hires Enron's accountant to prepare a financial statement, and tells you that you are receiving too large a retirement check already. They then require you to pay half of your medicare expenses.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one and lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch with your secretary. Life is good.
JAPANESE : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around looking for them, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Because they are no longer virgin, you then kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
FLORIDA: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
NEW YORK: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.