Posted on 08/05/2002 4:17:41 AM PDT by 1_Of_We
The Secret Plan of the DFRC for the Middle East
This is the plan that evolved out of several meetings of the DFRC (Diane's Foreign Relations Council). We are offering it to D.C. movers and shakers for their consideration.
The last meeting started a little late because one of our members had to help round up turkeys when a semi loaded with the gobblers took a sharp curve too fast on the county highway. The meeting finally got started around 8:15 at our usual meeting place, Nadine's Sidewalk City Cafe. At one time we met at the library, but the head librarian didn't like our politics so she made up an excuse that we were too rowdy.
This month only four of our usual group of seven showed up. There was Dr. Triune Sacket, head of the political science department at Crosshatch College. Also among the attendees was my good friend and neighbor Ardis Grindall. Ardis runs the rental furniture place in town. Last but not least, Fred from the post office. I can't tell you Fred's last name because he is, after all, a federal employee and might get into trouble.
According to Fred, post office officials don't like their employees fraternizing or conspiring with civilians for any reason whatsoever. He keeps us all apprised of bureaucratic gossip and offers indispensable insight into the goings-on of the federal government in northern Minnesota.
After lengthy debate – and just about the time the coffee was getting that nasty, bitter taste it gets after sitting on the stove for three hours – we came to some possibly visionary conclusions regarding American Middle East foreign policy. I am sharing the best of them with you.
1. Do what we should have done during the Gulf War and bomb Baghdad until it looks like a gravel pit in Maine. If we must, move on to the rest of Iraq and maybe a couple of other Middle Eastern capitals that harbor terrorists or pay their freight or hide them. Inform any Arab country that complains that we can do for them what we did for Saddam and Iraq.
1a. Take over the oil fields and declare Iraq an unincorporated area. Rename the country Suchadeal. Build a mall, water park and cinema complex in the parts that are not covered in oil wells. Send out coupons for $1,000 off purchases at any store in the mall for every man, woman and child in the Middle East. Think of it – 10,000 outlet stores located in the new state of Suchadeal crammed with folks wanting Nikes and CD players from Best Buy.
2. Issue coupons to every woman within a 2,000-mile radius of the big new gravel pit called Baghdad. The coupons will be for fabrics to use in making face-covering veils and long, ugly dresses. Throw in free eye makeup, a sewing machine and a guest shot on "Oprah."
The women will have no more need to send their kids to blow themselves up in the favorite Middle East pastime of Jihad Jingo. That way the gals and their victim status will get all the attention they can handle.
The ladies can show Oprah and her audience how to ululate and tear their clothes as they relate how terrible and awful America and Israel have been to them. This also adds to multicultural understanding in the U.S. American women will learn ways to be fulfilled and self-actualized while wearing a veil and long, ugly dresses as they stand 10 paces behind their men.
3. From the post-bombing peace benefits, we spend the money that used to make large oil purchases from Iraq and give a hunk of it to the 15,000 children of the dead of the WTC on 9/11, as well as the families of those who died in the Pentagon, plus the soldiers who were killed in Afghanistan, Somalia or anywhere else Americans are forced to fight and die because Islamic fundamentalists and Arab militarists want to kill us.
4. Spend the rest of the saved oil dollars on a down payment on Saudi Arabia. Send the Saudi royals a picture of Baghdad after the blast. Then send them a picture of their options – a nice villa in the south of France OR a double-wide on Anthrax Island, which is located somewhere near the South Pole.
5. Since Suchadeal will never again be fit for anything but a giant shopping mall or parking lot, we don't need to install any post-bombing government. Nor do we need to station a million troops in Suchadeal for the next 50 years. We simply hire a shopping mall manager like Donald Rumsfeld and get him to shape up and use the same airport security people who abuse Americans at the airports around the country.
Any decent policy wonk from Harvard will tell you it would save big time in the tribal and religious warfare department if Iraq becomes the Mall of the Middle East. The best antidote to the jealousy and hatred of running-dog capitalist consumer America is to offer Middle Easterners the opportunity to become running-dog capitalist consumers too.
6. Build a complex of duplicates of the World Trade Center Twin Towers. Only put a third, much-taller tower in the middle of the two twin towers. Scatter these complexes around the parameters of Suchadeal as advertising to the rest of the world about the glories of getting along with one another while becoming rich capitalists and happy consumers.
The symbolism of the tri-towers will be a lasting reminder of what happens to a country, individual or professional jihadist when they do not comply with a few modest requests. These are the requests of a kindly, basically fair and balanced BUT justifiably angry and long-suffering United States.
The only requirement or demand we make is for the inhabitants of Suchadeal and environs to accept living peacefully with their neighbors and the U.S. in the 21st century. No negotiations on that deal – nada, zip.
As we did with Japan and Germany after WWII, we make competitors, allies and pretty good capitalists out of former militarists and enemies. If our leftist intellectuals such as Noam Chomsky, Edward Said and Susan Sontag don't like those requests – tough.
7. Then when we have settled the problem of Suchadeal, we inform the Palestinians that Saudi Arabia is now Palestine South. Build a wall around it and explain to Yasser Arafat that if we ever see his ugly mug on the wrong side of the wall we will send him to Anthrax Island to play Monopoly with the Saudi royals.
Hillary Clinton will be offered a job in management at the new Mall of the Middle East. I think a Crate and Barrel would be right up her alley. Offer her a deal she can't refuse. She can take life in a federal pen for crimes against just about everything and everybody, or manage a crockery outlet at the mall (she can throw the irregulars at Bill).
OR send her back to Park Ridge, Ill., where she can rethink her reasons for abandoning her Midwestern roots, marrying Bill and being a disciple of a Marxist like Saul Alinsky, while hypocritically using the capitalist system to get rich on insider cattle futures trading.
8. The DFRC advises that we inform Islamic fundamentalists in the Middle East and elsewhere that the major new rules written in stone are:
- "Separation of Islam and the State." They can't blow anything else up in the name of Allah, and mullahs and ayatollahs can't be in charge of absolutely everything.
- There are not 42 or 72 virgins waiting for them in the afterlife.
- Schools no longer can teach kids to strap explosives to their bodies in order to blow up those they hate.
- Finally, if we catch them looking sideways at us or anyone else with evil intent, we will make them eat Porky's Texas Barbecue till hell won't have them.
9. Israel can expand into the territories they won fair and square during the Six-Day War. Any Arabs or Muslims who want to live peacefully in the Holy Land will be invited to take part in joint ventures like building skating rinks or bowling alleys or cement plants.
The reason for this policy is to occupy the spare time of what's left of the Al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade. The angry young men of Hamas and Hezbollah would have a choice. They can become carpenters and painters and build homes for Habitat for Humanity, with the idea that it will offer their people decent housing. Their wives and girlfriends would be ever so grateful as they learn the joys of how to decorate these homes from the Home and Garden Channel. The guys might also choose to learn horticulture in order to make their side of the desert bloom.
If they don't like those alternatives, they can always move to Anthrax Island with the Saudi royals and Yasser Arafat and the PLA.
9a. Israeli and Arab-Palestinian women might be encouraged to set up a joint arts and crafts business venture. That way they can offer their wares to the tourists who would come flooding back to the Holy Land. The only explosions the ladies in the market or the tourists would have to worry about are spoiled jars of bread-and-butter pickles blowing their lids.
10. All holy places will be open to pilgrims from the West, Israel and the Muslim world. Insults about infidels, the Great Satan or towel heads and camel jockeys will be discouraged and recalcitrant offenders forced to watch speeches of the deceased Ayatollah Khomeini for days at a time.
11. The DFRC also suggests Colin Powell be given a talk show on MSNBC or Fox News Cable. He might make a nice addition to Brit Hume's hour on Fox News Cable, with Fred Barnes, Nina Totenberg and Mort Kondracke. Fox might also choose to let him co-host a show with Geraldo.
12. In order to improve foreign policy and make government run better, the Council has also decided we should tell RINO Republicans like John Warner, Lincoln Chaffee, Susan Collins, Peter King, Chris Shays, Trent Lott and a couple of others that they have two days to get out of town. We have replacements for them picked out. We are offering their jobs to the guys in Special Ops and Delta Force or the first 100 names in the Duluth, Minn., phone book.
12a. We don't give the Democrats any such warning. The DFRC asks congresscritters Cynthia McKinney, Maxine Waters, Patrick Leahy, Henry Waxman, Ted Kennedy, Joe Lieberman, Hillary Clinton, Chuck Schumer, John Kerry, Tom Daschle, Tom Harkin, Chris Dodd, George Miller, Torrid Torricelli and nearly every politician with a D. after their name to hand in their keys to the executive washroom and go home. We will send them their personal belongings when we get around to it.
12b. In place of the Dems we move in the nuns who taught at Catholic schools in the '50s, along with the following: theKennesaw, Ga., City Council, which made gun ownership mandatory in their town, a phalanx of mothers who homeschool their children, the old ladies who have been groped and frisked by dim-witted airport security personnel, small-business people who are overtaxed and regulated to death, and the county commissioners and local sheriffs from states in the Intermountain West.
12c. Government bureaucracies and agencies will be headed by David Horowitz, Ann Coulter, John Gibson, Dr. Laura, David Hackworth, Daniel Pipes, Sean Hannity, David Limbaugh, John Kasich, Brit Hume, Rudy Giuliani, Judge Andrew Napolitano, Steve Forbes, Alan Keyes, John Stossel, Larry Kudlow, Ted Nugent, John Derbyshire, Larry Elder, Tom Sowell and Walter Williams and all the pundits at NewsMax.com.
We also select Linda Chavez, Gertrude Himmelfarb, Dorothy Rabinowitz, Linda Bowles, Florence King and Laura Ingraham for gender balance. For high drama and a touch of leftist chi chi, Christopher Hitchens and Camille Paglia. As chaplain for the bunch, Fr. Richard Neuhaus or my beloved and orthodox exiled former assistant pastor, Fr. Larry.
We recommend that Bush hire an extra-important senior chief adviser and poker buddy. This key post would serve as a conservative conscience to remind Bush not to go wobbly on military or foreign policy decisions. That person, of course, is Lady Margaret Thatcher. As an added bonus, she might help him stand up for conservative principles every once in a while.
The DFRC invites suggestions and additions to our foreign policy and political agenda. We welcome new members, and for a dollar you will receive a copy of our bylaws and guide book. Libertarians, reforms, independents are welcome.
We invite leftists and progressives to become auxiliary members if they agree to a Twelve-Step Program to cure their malady and tendency to be right-brained flakes. However, we draw the line at members of the Green Party, as they are beyond a Twelve-Step Program.
Fred from the post office has promised to type up our recommendations and send them off to Foggy Bottom with a carbon to the Congress first thing Monday morning. He will send it by priority mail – his treat. In Minnesota we call that "a heck of a deal."
Well, it is time to go. Sheriff Andy Nordstrom just drove by Nadine's cafe. He told us they were about to roll up the sidewalks and we had to go home. The meeting of DFRC ended promptly at 11:03 p.m. CST.
The mosquitoes are biting like crazy as the lights go out at the cafe. I thanked God it was Friday and that I could sleep late in the morning, knowing the foreign policy of the United States was in good hands.
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