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My Proposed Entry to Proffer to this Leftist Website for Inclusion in Supposed Databank of Conservative Activists

Disappointingly, FreetheHostages is not a racist, inasmuch as she strongly supported self-determination (and hopefully some day) democracy in South Africa against the then-totalitarian regime. Equally disappointingly, she is not stupid. What she wants to conserve appears to be respect for American traditions, American democracy, and the U.S. Constitution. Regrettably, she doesn't have a criminal record, a sordid divorce, a drug habit, or any other common picadillo in her past that we can use against her. She offered us her social security number and date of birth, but because her proferred date of birth would place her in her 40s, whereas she is obviously much younger, we must assume she has fed us false information. Her sole vice at first blush appears to be her association with other conservative activists in Free Republic.

However, upon careful investigation, and through reliable sources, we have learned:

1. She eats too many sugary things.
2. Her Freep posts are way too long.
3. She occasionally jaywalks on the way to work.
4. She speaks too fast and was, in Fifth Grade, sent to a speech teacher for unsuccessful training on how to slow down her speech.
5. When she chews gum like a cow.
6. She goes to church only half the time.
7. She does not give all her money to retire third world debt. 9. Some of her best friends are conservatives.
10. She thinks lying to a federal criminal grand jury is a crime.

What follows is a photograph of her wearing a tinfoil hat, which we can only surmise is some weird ritualistic behavior that conservatives engage in when they meet in groups of four or more.