Jesse Does Havana
Humberto Fontova
Friday, Oct. 11, 2002
They say pro boxing causes brain damage. Years of whacks and wallops on the head pound the brain into putty. This gradually corrodes the intellect, atrophies the powers of reasoning, and results in speech patterns that borrow the best from Rocky Balboa and Beavis and Butt-Head.
Pro wrestling must act quicker, and small wonder. Ever see that "pile-driver"? Whoo-boy. Hulk Hogan mastered the technique. The Junkyard Dog honed it to a science. They wore it out on Jesse "The Body" Ventura. First they'd grab Jesse in a full Nelson, then pick him up as the crowd roared with bloodlust. Then they'd turn Jesse upside down – BONG!BONG!BONG! – headfirst into the mat like a pile driver went ol' Jesse. His gray matter churned and whipped like a Piña Colada.
The crowd went nuts, shrieking and scowling and shaking their fists with bloodlust. At least boxing gloves are cushioned.
Anyone who doubts the ravages of this horseplay on the human brain didn't hear Jesse Ventura's comments in Havana last week. At first I gaped, blinked, removed my glasses and wiped them. Nope, I was seeing correctly.
Then tilted my head and pounded it smartly with my palm. Perhaps some Gulf water was trapped in there from my last dive trip? Nope. Nothing came out. I was hearing correctly.
Finally I chuckled. A minute later I guffawed. You see this a lot among Cuban-Americans. It's a defense mechanism we've evolved to keep from going completely (as opposed to partially) crazy when listening to celebrities, the Beltway media (and lately, Midwest politicians) expound on Cuba. I'm becoming a Darwinist as a result.
My wife (not Cuban) was angry, pointing at the TV screen incredulously. "He's worse than Jimmy Carter!" she gasped.
"Give him a break," I said, shaking my head. "How'd YOU like to be on the receiving end of the Junkyard Dog for five years? Poor guy, he can't help it. His brain was in a Cuisinart. It's pureed."
Before embarking for Fidel's Shangri-la Ventura was asked if he'd meet with any Cuban dissidents. "I don't know where they are," he replied. "I mean, if they know my hotel is here and they want to come here and meet, I'll be happy to meet with them."
"No!" I yelled. "No way! I didn't hear the governor of a populous and highly literate U.S. state say that? ... Did I?!"
I did. Right, Jesse. These dissidents (he probably thinks they're like Democrats when Republicans are in power) will just get in their Mercedes, drive over and chat it up with you, maybe get a coupla drinks at the bar. Perhaps the CDRs will even escort them over, Jesse. Perhaps Castro's G-2 would drive them over themselves as a good-will gesture.
UN-freakin'-REAL, this Ventura guy. But forget that part for a second. Does this imbecile realize that armed police bar all (non-Communist Party) Cubans from getting anywhere near the plush hotels the tourists infest?
U.S. celebrities and politicians wailed and moaned to high heaven about the identical thing in South Africa. The thing was an "outrage!" An "intolerable human rights atrocity!" It merited boycotts and embargoes. It sparked endless caterwauling at the Academy Awards, the U.N. , Capitol Hill, Democratic conventions, Harvard, Yale, Berkeley, MIT, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS ... blah ... blah ... blah.
In Cuba? Well, it's a marvelous way to "open up the system," a dandy method of "supplanting a failed policy." Again, you figure it out. I've given up.
Ventura prides himself on "blunt speech," on "straight talk." In his own words, he "shoots from the hip." Well, he's got the latitude right. Now move the longitude over about 45 degrees to the rear. THAT area seems more like the source of much Ventura talk.
This guy is too much. . Ventura made Ralph Nader sound like John Foster Dulles. He made Jimmy Carter sound like Niccolo Machiavelli. "Mr. President," he asked Castro (apparently in all sincerity), "who assassinated JFK? Any ideas? Can you help me with that?"
Jesse says he learned a lot while chatting and chumming it up with his new "charming and spellbinding" friend, "President" Castro. He had many ideas confirmed, namely about JFK's death. Ventura even plans to go back to Cuba as – get this – U.S. ambassador. And all because of this visit. He's a diplomat now, on top of everything else. Another feather in his cap. You da man, Jesse! This guy can do it all. Get your foot in the door of the WWF and the sky's the limit, I guess.
Basically Ventura had his own fruitcake theory confirmed, which is identical to Oliver Stone's which is identical to Fidel's. One major difference: With "President" Castro it's not a theory. It's a very useful ruse, great cover.
He didn't snow Lyndon Johnson, though. LBJ had Castro's number from day one. "Castro was behind it," he said about JFK's murder. And he never wavered.
Whatever else we can say about LBJ, he was no fool. He sent the Marines and Army Airborne into Santo Domingo at the first sign of trouble. No more Caribbean Communism – not under his watch. Where was Secretary of State Dean Rusk on that decision, I've always wondered.
This same Dean Rusk blanched at the thought of a single U.S. plane over the Bay of Pigs in April '61. Helping Cuban patriots topple the regime that stole $6 billion from U.S. companies, murdered scores of Americans with firing squads and would point nuclear missiles at the U.S. would have been "U.S. bullying" and intolerable "foreign intervention."
But four years later, this same Rusk gave a gutsy thumbs-up to LBJ's decision to send 25,000 U.S. troops into Santo Domingo to quell a leftist riot. Again, you figure it out. I've given up.
According to the Star Tribune, Ventura "exhorted University of Havana students to dream big and work hard to achieve success!"
Again I gaped. Did I hear right? Does this oaf have a CLUE what communism is? I guess the WWF doesn't require that sort of knowledge. But didn't he serve in 'Nam?
Anyway, listen up, Mr. Ventura: Castroland is not an Amway or Mary Kay franchise, sir. Cuban Horatio Algers typically jump on rafts, sir. There's no place for individual initiative, positive thinking and hard work down there, sir. To achieve success in Castroland – to "get to the top!" down there – you join the Communist Party, you pucker up and stoop down behind Fidel and his toadies and smooch away.
So come to think of it, Jesse, you DO have much to teach those Havana U. students. You and your entourage performed brilliantly in Havana last week.
A real piece of work, this Ventura guy. His song and dance about being a "libertarian" gets a little old, too. There's a little more to it than favoring the legalization of prostitution and drugs, Jesse. It gets worse. I'll quote Ventura from his latest book, "Do I Stand Alone?"
"Corrupt corporations exert their power in ways that harm the average citizen. They understand supply and demand but they play by those rules only so long as they're good for their profits – if not, free markets be dammed."
This from the main jester at an event (the U.S. Food & Agribusiness Exhibition at Havana's Palacio de las Convenciones) sponsored by Archer Daniels Midland. This from the governor of a state where 65 percent of the farms get federal subsidies. Way to go, Jesse!
And did you catch the poster boys of the trade show? Cute, blonde, smiling, photogenic and perky Cliff (13 years old) and Seth (11) Kaehler of St. Charles, Minn. They were dairy farmers displaying their cows and chumming it up with Castro, cooing and smiling away. A smiling Uncle Fidel alternated between patting them and the cows affectionately on the head. It was something to see. Except that his whiskers were gray rather than white and his suit gray rather than red, you'd think you were looking at a Christmas photo.
I'll quote from the Star Tribune here: "The poster children for this new round of charm commerce were two boys from St. Charles, Minn., who became Castro's personal emissaries to their family's animal pens. They made headlines in Granma, Cuba's Communist Party newspaper."
Cliff, did you know that little boys just a little older than you were sent to the firing squad by that darling bearded gentleman you had dinner with? Yes, they were farmers too, Cliff, just like you. But Uncle Fidel stole all their cows, and land, and stuff. Yes, that's what Communists do, Cliff. They steal things. That's how they propose to pay for your family's cows, Cliff – with STOLEN money. I doubt they teach you about this in school either, but Communists don't actually PRODUCE anything, Cliff. They STEAL.
This was taught by ALL schools back in the '50s and '60s. But it's gone by the wayside lately. And if you try to stop Communists from stealing your stuff, they shoot you, Cliff. That's what happened to 15-year-old Carlos Machado, his twin brother, and their dad. They refused blindfolds, spat in their Communist executioners' faces and went down singing their national anthem and holding hands, Cliff. The bullets shattered their heads into pieces. They were only two years older than you, Cliff.
"Our cows were a little cramped on the way over," chirped little Cliff to a USA Today reporter at the Expo. "But they look okay now!" They certainly did, Cliff. Heck, your cows had a good 8-by-5-foot enclosure on the way over. That's plenty of room. Sometimes Uncle Fidel gave his political prisoners only 6-by-4-foot enclosures. Did you know that, Cliff?… I know, I know. They probably don't teach that in Minnesota's public schools either.
Heck, they don't seem to teach about it anywhere anymore. But here it is, from Contacto magazine, as reported by Uncle Fidel's ex-political prisoners themselves:
"One of the favorite places for the jailers to punish the inmates were in the infamous 'gavetas' (drawers), particularly in the prisons in Oriente. These measured 4 feet width by 6 feet in length. The prisoners had to remain in them kneeling. They suffered this torture in these cells from 5 to 6 months."
Six months, Cliff. And you were worried sick over your poor little moo cows because they spent two days like that. Maybe Barbara Walters will inquire (politely) about these things tonight, Cliff? Think so?
Humberto Fontova holds an M.A. in history from Tulane University. He's the author of "Helldiver's Rodeo," described as "Highly entertaining!" by Publisher's Weekly, "A must-read!" by Booklist, and "Just what the doctor ordered!" by Ted Nugent.
You may reach Mr. Fontova by e-mail at
hfontova@earthlink.